Collaboration - Revised 3/18, aka Helping Hand Options

[JLY]

1st Revision: 3/18/07

COLLABORATION

You’re in a funk
creativity’s waned,
vision is clouded,
emotions drained.

Writing’s a chore,
words are stale,
lost their rhyme,
meter is frail.

Latest poem’s
slightly jagged,
roughly paced
a bit ragged.

A helping hand
is always near,
no repercussions
ever to fear.

Passionate peers
eagerly promote
efforts to hone
your lyrical note.

Sincere comments
rarely are terse,
polishing flaws,
to smooth your verse.

Whether a novice
or seasoned expert,
writers converge
in friendly concert.

Collaboration
reduces the grind,
engaging the spirit
of one’s fictive mind.

COLLABORATION...aka HELPING HAND

You’re in a funk
creativity waned,
vision clouded,
emotions drained.

Writings a chore,
words are stale,
lost their rhyme,
meter is frail.

Latest poem
slightly jagged,
roughly paced
or a bit ragged.

A helping hand
is always near,
no repercussions
to ever fear.

Passionate peers
eagerly encourage,
efforts to hone
your lyrical message.

Sincere comments
rarely terse,
polish flaws,
smooth your verse.

Whether novice
or seasoned expert,
writers converge
in friendly concert.

Collaboration
reduces the grind,
engaging the spirit
of one’s fictive mind.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi John,

I like your description of MM! It's nice to know you can post a poem and receive helpful and friendly advice without someone getting nasty about it. And you don't have to worry about someone biting your head off because of the suggestions you might have made. You've painted the atmosphere around here quite well, not to mention that you've also described writer's block quite well too! *smiles*

A few suggestions... take or toss!
Cathy

You’re in a funk
creativity['s] waned,
vision [is] clouded,
emotions drained.

Should there be punctuation after 'funk'? Semi-colon or colon? I very seldom suggest adding words like 'is' but this felt a bit choppy to me. *smiles*

Writings a chore,
words are stale,
[misfit]{lost their} rhyme,
meter is frail.

This is where I'm at right now! LOL I can't seem to write a thing! And when I do it comes out cliche and old and downright stupid!

Latest poem
slightly jagged,
roughly paced
or [slightly]{a bit} ragged.

A helping hand
is always near,
no repercussions
to ever fear.

Passionate peers
eagerly encourage{,}
efforts to hone
your lyrical message.

Sincere comments
rarely terse, Maybe () around 'rarely terse' instead of a comma?
polish flaws,
smooth your verse.

Whether novice
or seasoned expert,
writers converge
in friendly concert.

Mosaic Musings
reduces the grind,
engaging the spirit
of one’s fictive mind.

LOL I had to look up 'fictive'! It works perfectly here! Lovely way to describe what MM is all about. Good going John!

[JLY]

Cathy,
Thanks. I actually started to write a poem about the challenges we writers face and then decided to slant it towards the warm environment we have here at MM.

I wrote this one so fast....took only about 11 minutes and I knew I probably overlooked some places where punctuation is needed; you certainly helped in this regard.

I am hopeful that others will see the message as you did.

Again, thanks for stopping by.

JLY

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi John.

I really enjoyed this one. It impresses me as a sincere and encouraging write from the heart. With the support of others, one can overcome that 'funk' we all go through. This is very uplifting - thanks!

Cheers
~Cleo


[add] {delete} (comment)

You’re in a funk
creativity waned,
vision clouded,
emotions drained.
Great opening – you’ve caught my attention!

Writing[‘]s a chore,
words are stale,
{lost their} [evading] rhyme,
meter is frail.

[My} [l]atest poem[‘s]
slightly jagged,
roughly paced[,]
{or} a bit ragged.

A helping hand
is always near,
no repercussions
{to} ever [to] fear. (for meter)

Passionate peers
eagerly {encourage} [promote], (since ‘message’ is a near rhyme)
efforts to hone
your lyrical {message} [note].

Sincere comments
rarely [are] terse,
polish[ing] flaws,
[to] smooth your verse.

Whether [a] novice
or seasoned expert,
writers converge
in friendly concert.
Cool! Added the ‘a’ in L1 for meter.

Collaboration
reduces the grind,
engaging the spirit
of one’s fictive mind.
Excellent closing John!

[JLY]

Lori,
thank you. This was an easy write...just seemed to flow off the tonque. I tried to keep this very minimal and was hoping for some feedback to make it tight. You helped me improve the rhythm - much appreciated.

JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi John,

I have been trying to get a few moments to come in and tell you that I felt really good about this poem. I guess misery does want company! LOL The title is a good one, as I find myself not only assosciating to the idea of writer's block, and feeling my words dry like cardboard, but the times I finally do come up with a poem albeit, still raw, it is stirred by those collaborations of challenges, contests and competititions. THe idea's of others (like seeds grow into my own harvest of poetry)

I see your revision has really smoothed a few stumbles in the original, I have just a few comments to come, either way, I think your hook held well.,


Best Wishes and Big Hugs, Liz

COLLABORATION

You’re in a funk
creativity’s waned,
vision is clouded,
emotions drained.

I feel like this all the time now. Perhaps that is what I need to do, write the poetry about it and let it come!

Writing’s a chore,
words are stale,
lost their rhyme,
meter is frail.

Latest poem’s
slightly jagged,
roughly paced
a bit ragged.

A helping hand
is always near,
no repercussions
ever to fear.

Perhaps L4, switching 'to ever fear.' sounds natural to my ear.

Passionate peers
eagerly promote
efforts to hone
your lyrical note.

I like this stanza so much. There is a steady rhythm through out, the words blend and bed down well with each other. I especially liked the meaning, it sort feels like it is placed to show when the song in the narrator's poetry begins.. Very nice and not a nit.

Sincere comments
rarely are terse,
polishing flaws,
to smooth your verse.

L2, either 'rarely terse' or are rarely terse'

Whether a novice
or seasoned expert,
writers converge
in friendly concert.

nice. Good offering of many of the end rhymes are fresh and original, not overly used .


Collaboration
reduces the grind,
engaging the spirit
of one’s fictive mind.



Nice. Perhaps in the final line. "of a fictive mind."

[JLY]

Liz,
Many thanks. The few changes you suggested just might be the finishing touches to this poem. I am glad you enjoyed the theme, I think it is one that is universally shared from time to time by everyone here at MM.
The first stanza came to me while driving to work one day and the other ones seem to flow rather quickly soon after.
I will put a final brushstroke on this one. Thanks for your assistance.
JLY

[Guest_Kathy_*]

JLY, i think the idea of this poem is great. It's wonderfully uplifting and reminds us how important it is to be gentle, and to really try to help each other.

You said:

I tried to keep this very minimal and was hoping for some feedback to make it tight. You helped me improve the rhythm - much appreciated.

Mate, you wrote this quickly, and it isn't metrical, so trying to fix that is going to destroy the spirit of it, in my view. It's an accent pattern tather than a metrical one, and I reckon you should keep it that way. The rhythms are more like those of nursery rhymes than of metrics, and there's nothing wrong with that; a lot of songs are written this way, and goodness knows that said nursery rhymes are beloved to us all. They have stood the test of time, too.

Metric is NOT the only metre.

Is that helpful, or do you want to scruff me? (Please don't scruff me.)

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Further to the above, perhaps this will clarify my message. (You probably know about it anyway, in which case, my apologies)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Accentual_verse

http://www.fact-index.com/s/sp/sprung_rhythm.html

http://www.britannica.com/eb/topic-486139/quantitative-verse

Yours in the spirit of helpfulness, Kathy

[JLY]

Kathy,
I welcome all comments as they often put me in a better place. Your analysis is most helpful and I appreciate the time you have taken to offer me some food for thought.

When I wrote this, it seemed to have an easy beat to it, maybe not metrically perfect, but it seemed to run pretty smoothly. Meter is not my claim to fame, so I am open-minded about learning more about the substance of this device.

Thanks,
JLY

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Yep, that's wot I thought. In accented measure, it does have an easy beat. There are a few extra bits, but that's ok too.

Anyway, see what you think.

K

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Here, John, read this. It's one of my favourites, and very famous. I read it accentually:

http://www.bartleby.com/103/86.html

[Eisa]

Hi John

This is great -- I've read lots of poems about writing and I think this is one of the best! I can apply every word. Your revision is spot on in my opinion and this just sums it all up.

Collaboration
reduces the grind,
engaging the spirit
of one’s fictive mind.

I agree with what I think Kathy is saying. You don't have to write in meter to have agood poem. I feel the smooth flow of words is sometimes the important thing -- and you have that here.

I really enjoyed the read.

Snow

[JLY]

Snow,
Thank you. I am flattered by your repsonse: "I think this is one of the best! I can apply every word. "

This was a fun poem to write and it was one that was very effortless...my muse was full force that day.

Thanks again.
JLY