 The Old Armchair (Tweaked 19/04/07), Wizard Award ~ memories |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
| Guest_Cathy_* |
 Apr 17 07, 08:17
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#41
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Congratulations on your Wizard award Snow!
I am sorry that I missed this revision! The changes you've made are fantastic! I was wondering if the ending could be a bit stronger? I've explained what I mean below. As always... use or lose as you see fit! And again... congratulations! Cathy Merging with mizzle I turn her front door key, numbed by emptiness until I step into Mam’s parlour: gold velour drapes the window bay; keepsakes swamp the sill. Her talent paints the walls exhibited in oils. Great line! I love it~ Centre floor, a sheepskin hugs my feet in luxury. I brush with guests, once ushered in, for tea and cakes, warmed by their chatter tinged by laughter. The alien scrambled her mind; visitors dwindled with her memory. They won’t seek hospitality in her nursing home. Good change here IMO~ I sift though drawers, see grandparent’s smiling faces. China ladies dance in a box with glass fish. Reminiscences blur, until two burly men arrive to collect hospital equipment. I like the changes here too! The tiny glimpse into the drawers and a bit of her past. Her armchair stands alone. I sit on faded velvet, nudging back the years to … smooching on the matching sofa breathless with love ... … waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside ...… cushioned, I nursed my boys, inhaled their baby scents, lulling them to sleep ... … over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in, sipping the mellow atmosphere. I caress the cherished arms, You could be imagining her arms with this line. swathed in auld lang syne, sensing her familiar aura… Would 'comforting aura' work considering your emotions at this particular moment? It’s only a chair, love. Suddenly, a cloud bursts outside; tears splatter as I whisper Yes … a chair padded with nostalgia. Maybe as a comparison to the weather and what's going on inside you... 'Suddenly, a cloud bursts within, the sky opens up outside; releasing a deluge as I whisper Yes ... a chair padded with nostalgia.' I don't know... something like that? |
  
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Apr 17 07, 17:51
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#42
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hey Cathy
I like your suggestions very much ... I have never been quite satisfied with the ending. I'll do a last bit of tweaking tomorrow. Thanks! Snow 
·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Apr 19 07, 09:11
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#43
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 331 Joined: 7-March 07 From: Oz Member No.: 408 Writer of: Poetry Referred By:IBPC participant list |
Merging with mizzle
I turn [her] (Mam’s )front door key, numbed by emptiness until I step into [Mam’s] (her) parlour: gold velour drapes the window bay; keepsakes swamp the sill. Her talent paints the walls exhibited in oils. Centre floor, a sheepskin hugs my feet in luxury. I brush with guests, once ushered in, for tea and cakes, warmed by their chatter tinged by laughter. {no clear antecedent} The alien scrambled her mind; visitors dwindled with her memory. They won’t seek hospitality in her nursing home. I sift though drawers, see (my) grandparent’s smiling faces. China ladies dance in a box with glass fish. Reminiscences blur, until two burly men arrive to collect(all the)hospital equipment. Her armchair stands alone. I sit on (the) faded velvet, nudging back the years to … smooching on the matching sofa breathless with love ... … waiting with Dad for my wedding car nerves gnawing inside ...… cushioned, I nurs[ed](ing) my boys, inhal[ed] (ing) their baby scents, lulling them to sleep ... … over-feasted on Boxing Days, we piled in, sipping the mellow atmosphere. I caress the cherished arms, swathed in auld lang syne, sensing her familiar aura… It’s only a chair, love. Suddenly, a cloud bursts outside; tears splatter as I whisper Yes … a chair padded with nostalgia. Some thoughts Snow use or lose. Regards, Jax ······· ······· |
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Apr 19 07, 18:24
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#44
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Jax
Thanks for coming back to this one -- some good suggestions. When trying to be concise I often miss out words that are needed. I'll do some tweaking. Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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