Would You Like to Dance (trimmed back & tweaked 20/02/07), FV interwoven with a song Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

What a lovely poem - it has a magical, sereness to it and I enjoy the movement, imagery from line to line as the 'story and time passes' within. My one suggestion with regard to the song quotes is to italize them. I found the quotes and your lines very complimentary and applaud you.

Here are just a few more ideas to ponder as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete} (comment)

Would You Like to Dance

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains... ( no ellipse needed IMHO)

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I totter on stilettos (could be a cultural thing, I would say ‘teeter’)
to the Saturday Dance
geometrical-bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.
(This is smooth Snow!

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circle our bags – bopping to Cliff. (excellent – I suggest a slight change in lines as follows;)
Fluttering false lashes
at the lads,
we circle our bags –
bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day[.]

He taps me on the shoulder,
"...would you like to dance?" (Not certain why the ellipse, "Would you like to dance?")
I giggle shyly at the guy
with the Beatle haircut, dressed (would shift down ‘dressed’ to next line)
in a suit with narrow[,] neon tie.

We twist to Chubby Checker;
hips and thighs synchronize.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm; (suggest rhythmically instead of ‘in rhythm’)
breath quickens. (if rhythmically, then change to 'quickening')

Life: star-lit and spangled with hope, but...

then the busy years went rushing by us[;]
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same (Not certain this second couplet is required?)

snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
I glance in the mirror[…]

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Should I have travelled his way --
where is my first love now?
Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

Some excellent suggestions to ponder here. I think I'll soon have this polished!

Thanks!

Snow

[Eisa]

Thanks Lori -- a revision using your suggestions.

Snow