Would You Like to Dance (trimmed back & tweaked 20/02/07), FV interwoven with a song Options

[Eisa]

Would You Like to dance

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains.

Wearing new blue hot-pants,
I teeter on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometrical-bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.

Fluttering false lashes
at the lads,
we circle our bags
bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day.

He taps me on the shoulder,
"Would you like to dance?"
I giggle shyly at the guy
with the Beatle haircut,
dressed in a suit
with narrow, neon tie.

We twist to Chubby Checker;
hips and thighs synchronize.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb rhythmically;
breath quickening.

Life: star-lit and spangled with hope, but...

then the busy years went rushing by us;
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
I glance in the mirror --

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Should I have travelled his way,
where is my first love now?
Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have trimmed this back and brought into present tense -- thanks Tim for your suggestions.

Would You Like to Dance

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains...

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I totter on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometrical-bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circle our bags – bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day

He taps me on the shoulder,
"...would you like to dance?"
I giggle shyly at the guy
with the Beatle haircut, dressed
in a suit with narrow neon tie.

We twist to Chubby Checker;
hips and thighs synchronize.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm;
breath quickens.

Life: star-lit and spangled with hope, but...

then the busy years went rushing by us
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
I glance in the mirror

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Should I have travelled his way --
where is my first love now?
Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have changed the title -- any other suitable suggestions welcome


Would You Like To Dance (tweaked 8/02/07)


I clicked on the CD player --
‘Songs of the Sixties’
to relieve the tedium
of my ironing chore.

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains,
into a reverie of memories …

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I tottered on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometric bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circled our bags – bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day

He tapped me on the shoulder --
would you like to dance?
I giggled shyly at the guy
with Beatle haircut, dressed
in suit with narrow neon tie.

We twisted to Chubby Checker --
hips and thighs synchronized.
Later smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm
to quickened breathing.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Life was spangled with hope, but …

then the busy years went rushing by us
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

I hum along with Mary --
snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
until glancing in the mirror
truth triggers thoughts,

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Life reflects many turnings in the road;
did he reach his dream’s destination?
Should I have travelled his way,
I wonder
-- where is my first love now?

Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

… the iron hisses as Elvis croons
Are you lonesome tonight …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Different Directions (original)


I clicked the CD player on --
‘Songs of the Sixties’
might relieve the tedium
of my pile of ironing.

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains,
into a reverie of memories …

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I tottered on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometric bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circled our bags – bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day

He tapped me on the shoulder ~
would you like to dance?
I giggled shyly at the guy
with Beatle haircut, dressed
in suit with narrow neon tie.

We twisted to Chubby Checker --
hips and thighs synchronized.
Later smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm
to quickened breathing.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Life was spangled with hope, but …

then the busy years went rushing by us
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

I hum along with Mary --
snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
until glancing in the mirror
truth touches me, for

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Life reflects a road with many turnings;
did he reach his dream’s destination?
Should I have travelled with him
-- where is my first love now?

Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

… the iron hisses as Elvis croons
Are you lonesome tonight …


The rose coloured italics are the words from the song 'Those were the days' sung by Mary Hopkins

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Snow...Very aptly done an interwoven poem with words from a song, I have often thought of doing so but always wondered about the publishing rights etc, I much apreciate they way you've done as it also brings back many memories for me too ussually I was one of those boys staning against the wall too shy to even ask for a dance, Its amazing how the people in your life change, I went to my 25th year school reunion some number of years ago and afterwards thought wow that was different but I dont think I will ever go to another one...to many sad memeories there for me. This was a good write and a good read,,thanks for sharing some of your memories.
Steve

[Eisa]

Snow...Very aptly done an interwoven poem with words from a song, I have often thought of doing so but always wondered about the publishing rights etc, I much apreciate they way you've done as it also brings back many memories for me too ussually I was one of those boys staning against the wall too shy to even ask for a dance, Its amazing how the people in your life change, I went to my 25th year school reunion some number of years ago and afterwards thought wow that was different but I dont think I will ever go to another one...to many sad memeories there for me. This was a good write and a good read,,thanks for sharing some of your memories.
Steve

Hi Steve

From what I've been told, as long as you use any portion of someone else's work, word for word, you must footnote the author and title of the work in your own work and it should be minimal (in how much of that work you use). It's best if you put those lines in italics.

Well this poem wasn't really as I've told it -- I've used some poetic licence LOL! I was pretty shy too at one time and at my first dance refused any of the guys wanting to dance.

My hairdresser went to a school reunion a few years ago and found everyone had aged so much -- then realized that he must have aged too! ... went home feeling quite depressed! I can understand you not wanting to live through sad memories of the past -- live for the future!

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow, This is a beaut! I loved the feel of the poem, and how it brought back my own memories...a life force I might say--streaming in from your images and motions within the poem.

[center]Different Directions


I clicked the CD player on --
‘Songs of the Sixties’
might relieve the tedium
of my pile of ironing.

Those were the days, my friend…

[/center]

In Stanza 1, you've set a comfortable opening image, one many readers can relate to. The tedious task of ironing, (although I don't do much of that... lol) In L1, perhaps switching the word 'on' to earlier in the line... "I clicked on the CD player --' and in L3, perhaps change 'might' to 'to' I know that you wanted the slight inner rhyme between might/pile - but you also could place the word task in L4. Of course those are minor thoughts. I think it is a good opening image.

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains,
into a reverie of memories …

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I tottered on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometric bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.

Great images, and a nice smooth slide into a memory. I especially loved the final line "Mary Quaint-Style." Also lovely inner rhymes found here as well... pants/dance while the alliteration brings the sounds off smooth and unintrusive. No nits.

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circled our bags – bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day

He tapped me on the shoulder ~
would you like to dance?
I giggled shyly at the guy
with Beatle haircut, dressed
in suit with narrow neon tie.

We twisted to Chubby Checker --
hips and thighs synchronized.
Later smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm
to quickened breathing.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Life was spangled with hope, but …

then the busy years went rushing by us
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

I hum along with Mary --
snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
until glancing in the mirror
truth touches me, for

I would omit the 'for' at the end of L4. Or possibly "until truth triggers thoughts --"

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Life reflects a road with many turnings;
did he reach his dream’s destination?
Should I have travelled with him
-- where is my first love now?

Another great transition from day dreaming of what was to pondering the what could have beens, perhaps...

Life reflects many turns in the road,

Did he reach his dream's destination?

Should I have travelled his way

--I wonder, where is my first love now?

Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

… the iron hisses as Elvis croons
Are you lonesome tonight …

Excellent ending lines. Another kicker Snow!


The rose coloured italics are the words from the song 'Those were the days' sung by Mary Hopkins

Hugs, Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Snow.

I stopped in for a quick read and admired immediately the inner rhymes and 'voice' in this one.

I'm off to work but wanted to say, I enjoyed and was here and that I'll be back with further thoughts.

Cheers
~Cleo

[Eisa]

Hi Liz

I'm glad this brought back some memories for you and thanks for your suggestions. I have looked through them carefully and think they all work well -- when I get to revise.

Thanks and hugs

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow.

I stopped in for a quick read and admired immediately the inner rhymes and 'voice' in this one.

I'm off to work but wanted to say, I enjoyed and was here and that I'll be back with further thoughts.

Cheers
~Cleo

Thanks Lori! I look forward to your return -- when you've time (I know you are busy).

Hugs Snow

[Eisa]

Tweaked a bit

Snow

[Eisa]

I have changed the title but would still welcome any other suggestions.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hey Snow,

I just printed this out to do some comparing on the original draft and the revision, I like the change in title but will also come back with some thoughts on that too.

Hugs, Liz

[Arnfinn]

[quote name='Eisa' date='Jan 26 07, 01:30 ' post='90484']

I have changed the title -- any other suitable suggestions welcome


Would You Like To Dance (tweaked 8/02/07)


Hi Snow,



I clicked on the CD player --
‘Songs of the Sixties’
to relieve the tedium
of my ironing chore.

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains,
into a reverie of memories …

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I tottered on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometric bob shining <<<> How were ya legs. Ya had to have good pins to wear stilettos.
-- Mary Quant-style.

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circled our bags – bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day

He tapped me on the shoulder --
would you like to dance?
I giggled shyly at the guy
with Beatle haircut, dressed
in suit with narrow neon tie.

We twisted to Chubby Checker --
hips and thighs synchronized.
Later smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm <<< throb is singular.
to quickened breathing.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Life was spangled with hope, but … <<< good line. Like it Snow.

then the busy years went rushing by us
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

I hum along with Mary --
snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
until glancing in the mirror
truth triggers thoughts,

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Life reflects many turnings in the road; <<< something wrong here? 'turnings'
did he reach his dream’s destination?
Should I have travelled his way,
I wonder
-- where is my first love now?

Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

… the iron hisses as Elvis croons
Are you lonesome tonight …

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Very enjoyable Snow. Brings back memories.


John.

[azurepoetry]

Snow,

I am pressed for time at work to explain all the details of my suggestions below. i love the way you intertwine narration with the song. i think that's a great idea. i cut back the set up of the N starting a cd player and reminiscing in past tense. i think this poem would read better in present test with the reader following along the action with the song's lyrics as counterpoint.

i especially trimmed the latter stanzas/verses reorganized some of them to allow the song and poem not to overwhelm one portion or the other. By taking out the cd player part, the song is woven into the reverie without us being told the N is in reverie. Let me know what you think. I'm off....ttfn.

~tim

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains...

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I totter on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometrical-bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circle our bags – bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day

He taps me on the shoulder,
"...would you like to dance?"
I giggle shyly at the guy
with the Beatle haircut, dressed
in a suit with narrow neon tie.

We twist to Chubby Checker;
hips and thighs synchronize.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm;
our breath quickens.

Life: starry-lit and spangled with hope, but...

then the busy years went rushing by us
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
I glance in the mirror

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Should I have travelled his way;
I wonder where is my first love now?
Mary’s voice drifts away…

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rose coloured italics are the words from the song 'Those were the days' sung by Mary Hopkins

[Eisa]

Hey Snow,

I just printed this out to do some comparing on the original draft and the revision, I like the change in title but will also come back with some thoughts on that too.

Hugs, Liz

Thanks Liz

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi John

I'm glad this brought back some memories for you ... for me too!

As for the stilettos -- I never wore the very high ones, but even so I look back and wonder ... how the heck did I dance in those things!!


Life reflects many turnings in the road; <<< something wrong here? 'turnings'

Yes -- you might be right on that one John -- I'll think on it!


Thanks!
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Tim

I've missed you! -- it's so good to hear your suggestions.

Snow,

I am pressed for time at work to explain all the details of my suggestions below. i love the way you intertwine narration with the song. i think that's a great idea. i cut back the set up of the N starting a cd player and reminiscing in past tense. i think this poem would read better in present test with the reader following along the action with the song's lyrics as counterpoint.

I have wondered about that first stanza and whether it is really necessary to the poem. I always start off by putting too much in ... ending up taking some out.

Putting this is present tense is something I had not thought of ... until now!

i especially trimmed the latter stanzas/verses reorganized some of them to allow the song and poem not to overwhelm one portion or the other. By taking out the cd player part, the song is woven into the reverie without us being told the N is in reverie. Let me know what you think. I'm off....ttfn.

Mmmm... I think I do sometimes give away too much in a poem
~tim

Those were the days, my friend…

I’m lifted
by Mary Hopkins’ lilting strains...

wearing new blue hot-pants,
I totter on stilettos
to the Saturday Dance
geometrical-bob shining
-- Mary Quant-style.

Fluttering false lashes at the lads,
we circle our bags – bopping to Cliff.

We’d sing and dance forever and a day

He taps me on the shoulder,
"...would you like to dance?"
I giggle shyly at the guy
with the Beatle haircut, dressed
in a suit with narrow neon tie.

We twist to Chubby Checker;
hips and thighs synchronize.

I Remember how we laughed away the hours
and dreamed of all the great things we would do.

Yes -- this does even out the story and the song. I like it!

Smooching
to Moon River’s slower beat,
our hearts throb in rhythm;
our breath quickens.

Life: starry-lit and spangled with hope, but...

I like the addition you've made here -- lovely!

then the busy years went rushing by us
we lost our starry notions on the way.

Now nothing seems the way it used to be,
but in our hearts the dreams are still the same

snug in my fuzz of reminiscence,
I glance in the mirror

in the glass I see a strange reflection…
is that lonely woman really me?

Should I have travelled his way;
I wonder where is my first love now?
Mary’s voice drifts away…

Mmmm.... yes, I was never happy with this stanza. The way you have tweaked it sounds better

those were the days, oh yes…those were the days.

I did originally end the poem here and the last part was something I added to show the loneliness of the N. However, I can see that perhaps this is just adding another dimension that isn't necessary.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rose coloured italics are the words from the song 'Those were the days' sung by Mary Hopkins

Well thanks Tim -- I'm very grateful that you had time to look at this one for me. You have given me a lot to consider.

Snow

[azurepoetry]

Hey Snow,

Let me jump back in and conclude that what you wrote was very good, but i noticed that your narration in verse was doubling up some of the work that Mrs. Hopkins' song was already doing. So, i trimmed the verse and tried to offer an example of balance between the two fine writers of this piece.
i did take some liberties in one stanza; i know you will accept it for what it is and move on, but by all means--consider redrafting your verse into present tense and let the excess drop off. The two tones of song and poem would be stronger and you should be able to get a sense of any redundancy.
Not much of that in the first place, mind you. There is just a need to not let either voice overwhelm the other.

Like i said before, i like this a lot. It makes me want to shake apart a song and write verse into it.
Good luck~
~tim/azurepoetry

[Eisa]

Hello again!

Hey Snow,

Let me jump back in and conclude that what you wrote was very good, but i noticed that your narration in verse was doubling up some of the work that Mrs. Hopkins' song was already doing. So, i trimmed the verse and tried to offer an example of balance between the two fine writers of this piece.
You are so right in that some of the poem was doubing with Mary Hopkins song
i did take some liberties in one stanza; i know you will accept it for what it is and move on, but by all means--consider redrafting your verse into present tense and let the excess drop off. The two tones of song and poem would be stronger and you should be able to get a sense of any redundancy.
I have been offline, comparing this in past and present tense and it does work well in present.
Not much of that in the first place, mind you. There is just a need to not let either voice overwhelm the other.
well said
Like i said before, i like this a lot. It makes me want to shake apart a song and write verse into it.
Good luck~
I hope you try one Tim. This has been great fun to write. I wouldn't mind trying it again sometime.
I shall look for your post.
~tim/azurepoetry

Thanks Tim -- it's been great to have your thoughts.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Tim -- I have gone with your suggestions. Thanks!

Snow

[azurepoetry]

Snow,

As Nina would say, "I'm chuffed". i trust the ideas sat well with you...i do worry about over-riding/writing the poem's writer, when i leap in like that. Your poem wasn't that far away from where i went with it. i could've just said, "...hey Snow, what do you think about switching tenses"?

Now you just need to see what others think of the sharp change from past to present...and the trimmings out of the well-anchored story into a lucid reverie, floating around more.

~tim

[Eisa]

Snow,

As Nina would say, "I'm chuffed". i trust the ideas sat well with you...i do worry about over-riding/writing the poem's writer, when i leap in like that. Your poem wasn't that far away from where i went with it. i could've just said, "...hey Snow, what do you think about switching tenses"?

Now you just need to see what others think of the sharp change from past to present...and the trimmings out of the well-anchored story into a lucid reverie, floating around more.

~tim

Tim -- I'm glad you're chuffed! Don't ever worry about 'leaping in' to my poems. I love to get a fresh angle on things and showing me was better than telling! I wouldn't go with ideas, unless I liked them. You're welcome to 'leap in' with ideas any time!

Thanks!

Snow