A Wintry Heart-Final Revision, Wizard Award ~ Rondeau #2 Options

[JustDaniel]

Liz, just a suggestion...

You've gotten many good suggestions, and I've visited quietly several times, expecting to see a transitional revision. I'd like to see the direction you're moving in. To me, offering something without seeing where you're wanting to make changes just adds to the confusion.

I note that Snow makes several transitional revisions, some of them drastically different. I have a hard time doing that myself, but I'm amazed at the change in focus they often bring. Of course it would be easier interacting sitting down next to each other discussing, but I have a hard time doing that in print.

Personally, I like to write a rondeau with a metrical pattern, but the form certainly doesn't demand that, and it seems that you're moving away from that in this one, so I just don't want to muddy the waters with that kind of suggestion.

I'll wait for your trainsitional revision, if you don't mind?

I do like the interaction that you've been having!

deLighting in the process, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Thank You Daniel,

Your request makes a lot of sense. I've posted what I had been mulling over up to now and am still open to any direction changes. I do like the changes in S1, a lot more syntactically correct.

Best Wishes, Liz

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

I like the changes you've made.

He died by spring's seductive scent; I like this line better but I'm not sure it helps to clarify your intent that it was spring that caused his death. And then again, maybe it does. I guess it's how you interpret it. Maybe it's just me... *smiles* That's not much help, I know!
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who'd knew
he died? By spring

Shouldn't that be 'who'd known'... who had known instead of who had knew? 'Who knew he'd died?'

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

I will be back...

Cathy

[Eisa]

Wow Liz -- I like the way this is turning. Your rhyming words are so exciting.

He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

L3 sounds abit awkward and I feel needs another syllable

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who'd knew
he died? By spring

I think it should be 'who knew' in line 8

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

This is an amazing revision Liz -- I'll be back!


Hugs Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Liz.

The Rondeau is addictive, isn't it? You've done something in this one that I rarely use: enjambment. Clever!

I've made just a few word alterations below for you to ponder. My only other observation is in L5 and L13 - beginning both with 'and'. Perhaps 'chilled dreams had stirred aged sentiment'? and 'for' in L13.

Keep on with this form Liz - this is a good Rondeau.
~Cleo

[+] {-}
He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings {taking flight} [flew among] skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who'd knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old {hurts} [wounds]; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

[Nefertiti]

Hello My Relli!

Well, I must say that the temporary rev is pretty awesome! The original piece was good, but you've taken it up a level or two with the changes. You are always so potent in your verbage. I give homage to the master!

BIGGEST HUGS!

Miscreant Me

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz,

I like the changes you've made.

THanks Cathy. Sorry it took me a while to get back to my replies, I've been overwhelmed at home. You've helped much with this and I see you are still guiding my pen toward improvements!



He died by spring's seductive scent; I like this line better but I'm not sure it helps to clarify your intent that it was spring that caused his death. And then again, maybe it does. I guess it's how you interpret it. Maybe it's just me... *smiles* That's not much help, I know!
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

I agree. My intent is to show that his reclused state, depression and ill willed past led him to a winter of making amends. As Spring, with such beauty in the air, the scents, the vivid colors and growth of flowers in bloom, all goodness coming to life, this puts him into a deep depression and well, he doesn't actually commit suicide, but he overdoses on drugs. Accidental as it may have been...the Spring time was the source of his spiralling down into despair. This is what I need to bring forth, but I don't want to be so clear on the actual occurences as I would like the reader to be able to associate their own experiences. I think however, at this point I am going to go with the change as '... He died in springs... '


The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who'd knew
he died? By spring

Shouldn't that be 'who'd known'... who had known instead of who had knew? 'Who knew he'd died?'


Yes it should. Thanks Cathy. Will take care of ASAP...

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

I will be back...

Cathy

Should have some minor improvements soon. Hope to hear your thoughts!

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Wow Liz -- I like the way this is turning. Your rhyming words are so exciting.

Hi Snow.

Thanks. You've been a big help in my search for alternative ways of expressing the intent. Thank you for the urging and compliment on the end rhymes. I have been trying to use fresher more livelier words in my R&M to bring it up a notch. Hopefully this is doing that!


He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

L3 sounds abit awkward and I feel needs another syllable

Hmmmm...
I read it as ...

winds FLEDGlings TAKing FLIGHT skies BLUE = 8 syllables. However, I am probably going to revise using Lori's suggestion. So...:) It is agreat suggestion and I want to smooth out that line so it doesn't sound as rough as it does presently. That is probably why you sense a missing foot. One syllable I think the ing in taking, is too soft and sort of gets drawn in on Takn.

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who'd knew
he died? By spring

I think it should be 'who knew' in line 8

Yes. I agree. As I mentioned to Cathy. I will be making that change as soon as I can!

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

This is an amazing revision Liz -- I'll be back!

Thanks Snow... I appreciate any suggestions and feedback that will get this polished off and into my manuscript that I can! I look forward to any further thoughts you might have on the coming revisions.

Big Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz.

The Rondeau is addictive, isn't it? You've done something in this one that I rarely use: enjambment. Clever!

I've made just a few word alterations below for you to ponder. My only other observation is in L5 and L13 - beginning both with 'and'. Perhaps 'chilled dreams had stirred aged sentiment'? and 'for' in L13.

Keep on with this form Liz - this is a good Rondeau.
~Cleo


HAY Lori, Yes this form is quite addictive once ya start creating one ... it is like the Sonnet form... they roll around in your mind until it comes down onto paper! I like your suggestions....

[+] {-}
He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings {taking flight} [flew among] skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

Especially for L3. It smooths out that awkwardness regarding the meaning and the rhythm. Thanks!

The damage of his decadent
days, spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who'd knew
he died? By spring

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old {hurts} [wounds]; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.


I already have wounds in L1. But I do agree hurts is very weak and not really correct usage for the meaning I intend. I will be looking on other alternatives perhaps ... for L1 so wounds would be perfect for L3. Thanks for confirming that area' does need some extra looking over!

Hugs, Liz ...

[AMETHYST]

Hello My Relli!

Well, I must say that the temporary rev is pretty awesome! The original piece was good, but you've taken it up a level or two with the changes. You are always so potent in your verbage. I give homage to the master!

BIGGEST HUGS!

Miscreant Me

WHEEEEPEEEE~ Look who's here! YAHHHHHOOOOO! Where the heck have you been? I'm so glad you are stopping in on this one! you should try it on for size Might savor that muse of ours! (No I mean 'ours' not a typo, I didn't mean your's, but ours... I have drowning muse too! LOL

Oh I cannot tell you how happy to see you I am...to know you're ok and still turning into the over my crappy very amaturish... poetry!


I love ya LOTS!
Keep the posts coming... and you betta come on back into this one on the next revision!



Hugs, Lizarelli!

[Cyn]

I much like your new revision

[TygerTyger]

Hey Liz!

You expressed a desire to have me look at your revision. So here then is my look-see!


He died by spring's seductive scent; <- Nice sounding line but "by" now has an unclear meaning. I know you mean 'before', but, it could also mean 'at the hand of'. And unless it's a Siren's scent, it's not likely to kill a man!
gardenia's bloom on redolent <- Good word choice here!
winds, fledglings taking flight, skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment. <- Still a great poetic ride, just like before.

The damage of his decadent
days spurred reclusive ways. He spent
too many years alone. Who knew
he died? By spring <- I dropped the comma after "days" and changed "Who'd" so you could see how it reads. There's some really good changes here that serve well to set up the sestet. Nicely done!

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old hurts; he caused a few, <- This still seems a bit awkward to me. I have suggested some changes below for your consideration.
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.



he had realized his heart's intent,
to heal the wounds of the innocent
ones, for he had caused not a few. <- 'ones' and 'not' were here added to suggest possibilities to you for the subtle shift in perspective they bring.
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

I think this is a lovely poem, Liz. I love reading about hearts changing for the better. It's the only way to live... or die. Keep working on it and it will be a dandy, one to be proud of.

As you wish!

Dennis!

[Cleo_Serapis]

the wounds of those, once innocent,
began to heal. His heart's intent
to soothe old {hurts} [wounds]; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...
he died in Spring.

I already have wounds in L1. But I do agree hurts is very weak and not really correct usage for the meaning I intend. I will be looking on other alternatives perhaps ... for L1 so wounds would be perfect for L3. Thanks for confirming that area' does need some extra looking over!

Hugs, Liz ...

Hi Liz.

How about:

to soothe old aches; he caused a few,
And by the grace of God, renewed...

[AMETHYST]

Minor Changes...

[Peterpan]

Minor Changes...

Hello Amethyst!

A much tighter, clearer poem now. Very sad.

Well done!

P

[AMETHYST]

Thanks Bev,

I am still unsatisfied with the unclarity of S2. So I will still be working on this till I get it polished off. Thanks for the encouragement!

Hugs, Liz

And stay away from Lori Bottle of Truth! LOL

[Peterpan]

Thanks Bev,

Hi Liz

I am still unsatisfied with the unclarity of S2. So I will still be working on this till I get it polished off. Thanks for the encouragement!

B>I have to admit I can read and appreciate a rondeau, but I cannot offer much advice re the wording!

Hugs, Liz

And stay away from Lori Bottle of Truth! LOL -

B>If I remember correctly you were corrupting me...I was not thrown out of the pub, you were! I said have a good day and you said good night!!!!! Scary dialogue if you ask me!

[Nefertiti]

And here I thought I just had the barfy flu. All the time, it was just a reaction to your stinky poetry! LOL! Yeah, my big white oversized glow in the dark patootey! Talk about false modesty, Miss Super Poet! THBBBBPPPPTTTT! You should know by now that my green pallor is from JEALOUSY! Neener!

BTW, your rev is great! Now everything is nice and tight and super potent. Just like you like your boys! Wicked laugh!

Well, my Dearest, I gots ta run and pick up a Pee-Wee from kindergarten. I'll try to come back and wreak some havoc just so as you won't be lonely!

BIGGEST HUG!
Nef

PS Your poem reminds me of me 'cept I'm not a boy and I'm NOT DEAD YET (in my best Monty Python impersonation)!!!

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

This poem has just gotten better and better! The only nit I have...

He died by spring's seductive scent;
gardenia's bloom on redolent
winds, fledglings flew among skies blue,
winter's ice turned to morning dew
and dreams that stirred old sentiment.

You've lost your perfect IP in line 4. I read it as...

Winter's ice turned to morning dew

Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to reword it at the moment! I will keep thinking about it and if I come up with something ... I will be back!

Cathy

[AMETHYST]

I much like your new revision

Thank You Cyn. Some further revisions to follow. but appreciate the feedback that it is going in the right direction!

Best Regards, Liz