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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Sep 24 06, 13:16
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#21
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting  |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Sep 24 06, 19:06 ) [snapback]83991[/snapback] Hi Sylvia. Apologies if I repeat anything as I haven't read the other replies yet.  This is an interesting piece, one which carries forward from stanza to stanza. What I'vwe done to separate them is to offer ellipses and delete the repeating 'it's like'. Other than that, I can't see anything by way of suggestions to offer. Cheers ~Cleo  It’s like a groom sweating (or 'unnerved') before his bride shows up at church[.][…] anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution.[..] committing a wrong, praying for God’s salvation of your soul.[..] striding up and down, waiting for a baby to be born.[..] a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night’s terrors.[…] (or fears) It’s the love letter you’ll never send me… SLAM! Killer ending!  Oooooooooh, Cleo, thanks so much for tweaking the stupid "likes"...  I also like "unnerved" !!!I'm a naughty girl, haven't made my revision yet, but with all these wonderful suggestions I've got it all written in my head, so hopefully this week I'll get that homework done...  Hugs, Sylvia 
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner              |
  
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Sep 26 06, 10:21
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#22
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Cleo, Tim, Steve, Cathy, Peggy and everyone who's helped me with great crits and suggestions.
 I've made a big revision, so I'm open to more crits !!! Cheers and thank you, Sylvia
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 4 06, 09:24
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#23
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Hi Sylvia,
At first I wasn't sure if I liked the revision as well as the first one but the more I've read both... the revision wins out. LOL You seem to have created a sequence of events and a timeline in which they might have happened. A few suggestions for you to use or lose... Cathy A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… I wouldn't use 'dad' cause he wouldn't be until the baby was actually born. *smiles* Maybe just 'pacing corridors' as a continuation of verse one? committing knowing God’s salvation of is improbable… but it isn't improbable, is it? Maybe 'afraid' instead of 'knowing' as though he's not sure of his faith? A grown man’s hope Capitalize new sentence to indicate seperate thoughts? that dawn will dispel night terrors… I would swap verses 3 & 4 around... as though the 'night terrors' had caused the penchant for murder? A grown man's hope that dawn will dispel night terrors... committing murder, afraid God's salvation of your soul is improbable... anticipating on the eve of execution… Unnecessary maybe? Would everyone know the governor would be the one to issue a reprieve? Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned …your last letter to me. Why the elipsis here? A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… A grown man's hope that dawn will dispel night terrors... committing murder, afraid God’s salvation of his soul is improbable… on Death Row, anticipating reprieve on the eve of execution… Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned your last letter to me. |
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Oct 4 06, 10:49
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#24
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (Cathy @ Oct 4 06, 16:24 ) [snapback]84504[/snapback] Hi Sylvia, At first I wasn't sure if I liked the revision as well as the first one but the more I've read both... the revision wins out. LOL You seem to have created a sequence of events and a timeline in which they might have happened. A few suggestions for you to use or lose... Cathy A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… I wouldn't use 'dad' cause he wouldn't be until the baby was actually born. *smiles* Maybe just 'pacing corridors' as a continuation of verse one? committing knowing God’s salvation of is improbable… but it isn't improbable, is it? Maybe 'afraid' instead of 'knowing' as though he's not sure of his faith? A grown man’s hope Capitalize new sentence to indicate seperate thoughts? that dawn will dispel night terrors… I would swap verses 3 & 4 around... as though the 'night terrors' had caused the penchant for murder? A grown man's hope that dawn will dispel night terrors... committing murder, afraid God's salvation of your soul is improbable... anticipating on the eve of execution… Unnecessary maybe? Would everyone know the governor would be the one to issue a reprieve? Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned …your last letter to me. Why the elipsis here? A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… A grown man's hope that dawn will dispel night terrors... committing murder, afraid God’s salvation of his soul is improbable… on Death Row, anticipating reprieve on the eve of execution… Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned your last letter to me. Dear Cathy! Your suggestions are SO good!! Thanks! I'll go through them, one by one, and make another revision asap. As I've only just read your reply, I need to meditate a little more...  For now, a big hug, Sylvia 
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 4 06, 11:37
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#25
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 20,858 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
I've read this over and over, and then read others' comments and suggestions. Again I come to my own internal frustration with the enormity of the possibilities open for the revision of almost any piece of free verse... and I'm reminded of Frost's comment something to the effect that he would no more write in free verse (I think, as others conceived it) than play tennis with the net down.
So I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and jump onto the court and start makin' some raquet. K? [ Remember, I'm just practicin', o' course! ] QUOTE (Psyche @ Sep 19 06, 13:41 ) [snapback]83690[/snapback] LAST LETTER Missing Let er [ I like your title, but remember, I'm jest makin' a raquet! I've never won a tennis title, but I've learned how important they are to some bystanders. ] A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Like a groom, unnerved at the front of the church, Is she gonna show?... Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… a new dad pacing ER corridors... committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… a murderer with gnawing doubt of God's forgiveness... a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… a grown man in night terror, wondering if dawn might dispel it... in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… a death row inmate watching midnight approach staring at a silent phone... Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. ... is your love letter lost in the male. Note, of course, that I've jest been knockin' the bawl around, but the main thing I was attempting to do with your excellent thoughts was to find a way to place them in parallel speech, such that each of them could grammatically begin with: My waiting for your letter is like...  Lightly puttin' my racket in my bag, walkin' away from the courtier, Daniel
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MM Award Winner |
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Oct 4 06, 12:34
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#26
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hey Daniel!
You've made me laugh outright, which is the best solution when watching rotten tennis players like yours truly...  Really, you've practically re-written my poem, but in a humorous fashion, so perhaps I better use your parallel version to get some grins on solemn faces in this forum. Is one allowed to post parallel revisions?!  I'm in a real stew, now, Daniel, in fact I'm on my way to dumping this whole poem, as I said at the beginning, to Tim's alarm!! It was written many years ago, at the dawn of time (my time...). So I'll do some hmmmm... & mmmmm... over your amusing changes, and try to come up with something that's still mine...haha... Thanks so much for shedding light on dark, dank death rows.... Cheers, Syl PS: Love your title "Missing Let er".... QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Oct 4 06, 18:37 ) [snapback]84512[/snapback] I've read this over and over, and then read others' comments and suggestions. Again I come to my own internal frustration with the enormity of the possibilities open for the revision of almost any piece of free verse... and I'm reminded of Frost's comment something to the effect that he would no more write in free verse (I think, as others conceived it) than play tennis with the net down.
So I'm just gonna throw caution to the wind and jump onto the court and start makin' some raquet. K? [ Remember, I'm just practicin', o' course! ] QUOTE (Psyche @ Sep 19 06, 13:41 ) [snapback]83690[/snapback] LAST LETTER Missing Let er [ I like your title, but remember, I'm jest makin' a raquet! I've never won a tennis title, but I've learned how important they are to some bystanders. ] A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Like a groom, unnerved at the front of the church, Is she gonna show?... Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… a new dad pacing ER corridors... committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… a murderer with gnawing doubt of God's forgiveness... a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… a grown man in night terror, wondering if dawn might dispel it... in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… a death row inmate watching midnight approach staring at a silent phone... Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. ... is your love letter lost in the male. Note, of course, that I've jest been knockin' the bawl around, but the main thing I was attempting to do with your excellent thoughts was to find a way to place them in parallel speech, such that each of them could grammatically begin with: My waiting for your letter is like... Lightly puttin' my racket in my bag, walkin' away from the courtier, Daniel ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 4 06, 13:14
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#27
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 20,858 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hey, Sylvia!
Don't even be thinkin' o' tossin' this little gem! You have a great idea there. I know I threw a wry bit o' (serious) humor in at the end, but that was just me practicin' FV. I just wanted you to visually see your ideas slightly differently, taking note of 1) parallel speech, 2) brevity, 3) word-picture in place of description... all wherever possible without losing your ideas. Now just run your own words through your own head with those thoughts and other poetic devices in mind, and you'll have a sparkler here! One note: I think the closing of your revision has FAR LESS BITE than the original, so I was merely nudging you back in that DIRECTION. Please don't forget that I'm a novice in FV, but I'm doin' my level best. I know that your time on the boards is severly limited, but when ya can, I'd love your input on my latest attempt. It's a bit of a frosty mug.  deLightin' in the journey, Daniel 
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MM Award Winner |
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Oct 4 06, 18:03
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#28
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Right, Daniel, I get your point...
There will be no binning of this piece, I'll just work on it until it becomes the "sparkler" you promise!!! In the year 3.000, perhaps?And stop calling yourself a novice in FV!!! As I mentioned elsewhere, you've got the humor that we need this side of The Wall, just keep piling the bricks up!!! Thanks, Syl
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 4 06, 18:58
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#29
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Sylvia.
  I really find your revised ending: Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. more poignant and stronger (blend to your title). No nits from my vantage point. Well done! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner  |
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Oct 5 06, 11:19
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#30
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Sylvia,
I cannot believe this slipped by me and I hadn't gotten the early opportunity to review it. Loved the title. The individual snap shots of images are each a story within themselves. What I also found quite profound in your make up of this poem was the link between one to the next image... I haven't been able to read through all the other critiques and will be focusing on the revision, so forgive me if I repeat what others say or miss a meaning that was explained, as I haven't read through replies either...  Here goes... Hugs, Liz QUOTE LAST LETTER GREAT TITLE! A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… S1L2: I like the alliteration between wondering/whether, however-I keep feeling that whether might need that follow through of 'or not' ... I think it just may be a personal thought. The first stanza, is excellent lead in, especially to reflect inner conflict of the title. "Last Letter" ... L3 of S1, blends well to introduce the next stanza... church links my mind to birth and purity and wonder of Godly things, as a father waiting the coming of his new born... While ... (let's go to the next stanza... come on, follow along! LOL) committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… The ending of S2, birth...being born, then leads to death, and linking God from both church of S1, birth and goodness in S2, to salvation ... I wasn't too keen on the word 'knowing' perhaps... accepting ... The word 'improbable' then links to the next stanza, like a domino effect... "where the man links this man with the improbability of hope that what they fear will not disappear. a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… The connect again between 'night terror' / and the image of a death row inmate waithing their execution the night before is profound. Well Done Sylvia... Well done. Also, strong alliteration, blends well, not forced for the rhyme, off the tongue natural and smooth. Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. The waiting of the reprieve/links to the word irrevocably with a very powerful connection to my mind... and the confidence of the narrator comes to link with the inmate. How life's events domino from one stimulating the next and cause and effect of a process and how things ripple in our lives.. EXCELLENT POEM! By Psyche I hope I interpreted this near your intent. I found the duality of each stanza, linking each other a very powerful technique done quite well. Hugs, Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner  |
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Oct 5 06, 13:30
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#31
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
well Syl
I may be the lone dissenter See all the stanzas talk about waiting, anticipation. Some for things that will come some for things that might not. Irrevocably just does not make sense to me I like the reformatting in the poem though, but the last strophe feels too tidy for me, like it is all wrapped up and put to bed. Don't know if I am making any sense, but it seems to have lost some of the true feeling in it that it had when you wrote it way back when. Just my opinion though so.... Cyn ······· ······· |
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Oct 10 06, 09:27
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#32
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Psyche,
I'm only exploring, but this, my first read in this forum, captured my interest. Cheers, Ron jgd ······· ······· |
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Oct 10 06, 12:40
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#33
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Oh, Cleo, I'm so relieved you like the revision. Saves more work!!!
Of course I'm interested in everybody's opinions, so I shall be mulling over this one a little longer... Thanks for coming back, Cleo!! Hugs, Sylvia  QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 5 06, 01:58 ) [snapback]84542[/snapback] Hi Sylvia.
I really find your revised ending: Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. more poignant and stronger (blend to your title). No nits from my vantage point. Well done! ~Cleo ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 10 06, 12:57
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#34
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Liz!
I'm very glad you've dropped by, never mind the exact moment. I believe the links between one stanza to another were improved with Tim's help, way back... Now let's see what you suggest... QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Oct 5 06, 18:19 ) [snapback]84598[/snapback] Hi Sylvia,
I cannot believe this slipped by me and I hadn't gotten the early opportunity to review it. Loved the title. The individual snap shots of images are each a story within themselves. What I also found quite profound in your make up of this poem was the link between one to the next image... I haven't been able to read through all the other critiques and will be focusing on the revision, so forgive me if I repeat what others say or miss a meaning that was explained, as I haven't read through replies either... Here goes... Hugs, Liz QUOTE LAST LETTER GREAT TITLE! A groom unnerved, wondering whether his bride will show at church… Dad pacing corridors, waiting for baby to be born… S1L2: I like the alliteration between wondering/whether, however-I keep feeling that whether might need that follow through of 'or not' ... [b] I believe I did have "show up" included in one version, then dropped it...I agree with you and will revise again. I think it just may be a personal thought. The first stanza, is excellent lead in, especially to reflect inner conflict of the title. "Last Letter" ... Glad you like the title! L3 of S1, blends well to introduce the next stanza... church links my mind to birth and purity and wonder of Godly things, as a father waiting the coming of his new born... Thank you, Liz.[/b]While ... (let's go to the next stanza... come on, follow along! LOL) committing a murder, knowing God’s salvation of your soul is improbable… The ending of S2, birth...being born, then leads to death, and linking God from both church of S1, birth and goodness in S2, to salvation ... I wasn't too keen on the word 'knowing' perhaps... accepting ... [b]Yes, I accept "accepting" LOL. Good idea. The word 'improbable' then links to the next stanza, like a domino effect... "where the man links this man with the improbability of hope that what they fear will not disappear. [/b] Yes, that's my intention, Liz. a grown man’s hope that dawn will dispel night terror… in Death Row, anticipating the governor’s reprieve on the eve of execution… The connect again between 'night terror' / and the image of a death row inmate waithing their execution the night before is profound. Well Done Sylvia... Well done. Also, strong alliteration, blends well, not forced for the rhyme, off the tongue natural and smooth. Again, thank you. Irrevocably, I know for certain you’ve penned me …your last letter. The waiting of the reprieve/links to the word irrevocably with a very powerful connection to my mind... and the confidence of the narrator comes to link with the inmate. How life's events domino from one stimulating the next and cause and effect of a process and how things ripple in our lives.. EXCELLENT POEM! By Psyche I hope I interpreted this near your intent. I found the duality of each stanza, linking each other a very powerful technique done quite well. Hugs, Liz Yes, your interpretation is quite correct. Thank you so much for taking all this trouble, your comments are always to the point and highly appreciated. Hugs, Sylvia ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 10 06, 13:00
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#35
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
QUOTE (jgdittier @ Oct 10 06, 16:27 ) [snapback]84896[/snapback] Dear Psyche, I'm only exploring, but this, my first read in this forum, captured my interest. Cheers, Ron jgd Keep on exploring, Ron, and thanks for trodding into my terrain... If you have anything to crit, I know that it'll be highly significant. Cheers, Syl
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 10 06, 13:05
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#36
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Thank goodness for dissenters, Cyn! Without your sort, everything would be so flat, so boring...
 So "irrevocably" should disappear? I certainly don't want my poem all wrapped up and put to bed...LOL... So I shall think about that last stanza in my next revision. Liz has also given me some good ideas, so I have much homework to do...  Thank you, Cyn, for coming back, hugs, Syl QUOTE (Cyn @ Oct 5 06, 20:30 ) [snapback]84604[/snapback] well Syl
I may be the lone dissenter See all the stanzas talk about waiting, anticipation. Some for things that will come some for things that might not. Irrevocably just does not make sense to me I like the reformatting in the poem though, but the last strophe feels too tidy for me, like it is all wrapped up and put to bed. Don't know if I am making any sense, but it seems to have lost some of the true feeling in it that it had when you wrote it way back when. Just my opinion though so.... Cyn ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Oct 12 06, 09:43
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#37
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Thank you all for your help with this difficult one! Liz and Cyn helped me make some more tweaks. Hope it's a better poem now.
Hugs to all, Syl ***
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Jan 28 07, 16:13
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#38
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Congrats Sylvia on your wizard award winning tile!
 Well done!   ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Jan 28 07, 19:18
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#39
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Congratulations on your Wizard Award Sylvia!
Cathy |
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Jan 29 07, 12:35
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#40
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 11,085 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Cleo & Cathy!
Ooooooooo, what an unexpected surprise! For these simple lines...gee, that's great! I'm terribly delayed in my answers because I hadn't visited My Controls since the changeover, and so no mail notifications were arriving at my Intray. Silly me... Thanks & hugs, Sylvia
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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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