Wheels of Change [ Revision #1 ], a Revolutionary Rondeau Options

[JustDaniel]

Wheels of Change

A smouldering... a charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke —
a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance will steep, provoke
still more rebellion as he soaks
them... takes a powder... leaves his pyre
a-smolderin'.

© MLee Dickens'son 18 July 2006

at the wheelwright’s shop in Williamsburg, VA
near the Colonial Governor’s Palace.

Original

A smoldering, a charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke
— a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Good morning Daniel!

I see you find time for both your loves no matter where you are!

I do believe that you've stayed within the params of the form (at least I haven't noticed anything). lol And offered somewhat a history lesson in the process!

A smoldering, a charcoal fire Elipsis instead of comma?
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke
— a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering. Did someone go golfing or make someone mad? Nope, 'tea' is spelled wrong for that! Hmmm ... a tea break? LOL

Sorry Daniel ... no nits!

Cathy

[Guest_e h estry_*]

The refrain, a smoldering, is nicely effective in capturing the feelings of the time.
Might seem a little abstruse, but if you had started with the British English spelling "smouldering" and finished with the American English spelling...
Loved the connection with wheels turning and revolution and the clever "tea-off" (as a Brit I must say if we hadn't put a duty on it, I might not have needed that green card !).
A very well done rondeau !

[JLY]

Daniel,

Upon first reading this, I thought the first line should read as follows,

A smoldering, {a} charcoal fire

but then I realized the emphasis you put on "a smoldering", and in that regard it works.

Liked your injection of the word "ire" which expresses strong emotiong but is a word that most of us overlook.

Daniel, as usual, you have a command of this poetic form.

JLY

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

It is always a pleasure to read your work. As John puts it, you take great command over your forms and work with them as if molding them with your hands. I have not yet done a Rondeau, I find them somewhat hard and you create it as if it is made with ease.

I felt the title was applaudable, brought out minor hidden meanings that I compared with the fiery images. I also thought that the emphasis placed on the 'a' before charcoal was necessary to enhance your intent.

I was a little left confused with 'tea-off ...' but will wait for commentary to see what I am not seeing.

Hugs, Liz

[Guest_poeticpiers_*]

Fine job Daniel but I am left mystifyed by the tea off
I do enjoy a well written rondeau.You used the parameters very well to send your message to the reader ivor

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Daniel,

The first line is too unnatural for my taste. It is like a judge smacking his/her gavel to bring order and attention to him/herself. Probably mess up your intended rythm to alter.

I wonder about the mixing of oak and pine. "Tea-off" needs clarification for me. I hope it isn't slang.

Thoroughly enjoy the mix of human nature and advance of technology. We are constantly seeking an ease to our load and the authorities are equally diligent with taxation.

Thanks for sharing your excellent skills.

Don

[JustDaniel]

I must be heading on to church
but will not leave you in the lurch;
the tea is what was taxed, you see,
and revolution soon would be...

I will be back; no need to search!

Lightly, Daniel

[Guest_Don_*]

Thank you dear Daniel,

To a little tax on tea
I would never object
for I drink lots of coffee.

Due ya suphose the hullabaloo over tee led us inta bein" a coffee drinkin" country?

Don

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel.

I enjoyed this one for the content and the structure (as I fancy the Rondeau).

I also felt that 'tea-off' throws off the serious nature of the rest of the message in this piece. Even though I made the connection to 'Boston Tea Party' and all that their efforts imparted, I feel it might not be understood here.

Here are a few ideas for you to ponder below.
Cheers
~Cleo

A smoldering, {a} charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke (I would move the dash up after ‘yoke’)
— a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak (I too think the insertion her of ‘tea-off’ could be stronger if changed: perhaps ‘upset his subjects’?)
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering.

[JustDaniel]

Good morning Daniel!

I see you find time for both your loves no matter where you are!

Thank you, Cat. I do at least try!

I do believe that you've stayed within the params of the form (at least I haven't noticed anything). lol And offered somewhat a history lesson in the process!

and I'm glad that you caught that! That is what I was going for.

A smoldering, a charcoal fire Elipsis instead of comma?
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

I'll take that elipsis. I think that it will help some of the other readers who seem to have stumbled over the meaning with the comma there. The poem was actually mused by a smouldering on the ground outside the wheelwright's shack. I didn't know what it could possibly be on a day of 102 degrees... until I asked!

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke
— a smoldering.

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering. Did someone go golfing or make someone mad? Nope, 'tea' is spelled wrong for that! Hmmm ... a tea break? LOL

Sorry Daniel ... no nits! Cathy

Well, I was playing with the tea-tax that teed off the colonists... not because of how much is cost, but because it was a cost without representation. They were NOT treated as full British Citizens, even though they WERE. It TEED THEM OFF. But I have eliminated the slang word play (as a break in the mood of the poem) and substituted a more slanting reference to it in the first edit. Please let me know what you think. It's been steeping for a couple of days while I couldn't get to the computer.

deLighting in the feedback, Daniel

P.S. Now I'm off to the local theatre to see who pea'd under whose mattress! [ Once Upon a Mattress ]

[Guest_Cathy_*]

LOL I wondered about the Boston Tea Party! I didn't say anything for fear of looking silly! Anyway I like the revision. It clarifies things to a 'T'! LOL

Enjoy your theater outing!

Cathy

[Guest_Don_*]

Hiya Daniel,

I like your revision more than original. As King George is touted to say upon giving the colonist their leave, "Let us see how they like taxation with representation." I think I like their little tea tax contrasted to our total tax.

Don :)

[JustDaniel]

The refrain, a smoldering, is nicely effective in capturing the feelings of the time.
Might seem a little abstruse, but if you had started with the British English spelling "smouldering" and finished with the American English spelling...
Loved the connection with wheels turning and revolution and the clever "tea-off" (as a Brit I must say if we hadn't put a duty on it, I might not have needed that green card !).
A very well done rondeau !

Thanks for the excellent suggestion. I've taken it, and also modified the closing to smolderin' for the ad hoc nature of the evolution of the Revolution.

I regret to have to leave out the 'tea off', taking wisdom from others' reactions.

appreciating your comments, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

The first line is too unnatural for my taste. It is like a judge smacking his/her gavel to bring order and attention to him/herself. Probably mess up your intended rythm to alter.

[ I always appreciate your impressions, Don. A writer cannot read his own writing without KNOWing his own intent, so others' reactions are essential to 'get out of onesself'. I do hope that the addition of the elipsis takes away the unnatural feeling for you. ]

I wonder about the mixing of oak and pine. "Tea-off" needs clarification for me. I hope it isn't slang.

[ I can understand the qualms of mixing oak and pine, but in fact, according to the wheelwright, the hubs were made of elm (which generally didn't split when driving in the spokes) and was bound on either end with an iron band. The spokes were made of oak and rounded at the edges so as not to pick up nicks from upturned rocks and debris on the road, and the wheel rims were made of strips of pine layered together for their pliability and then ringed with an iron hoop that was made about a half and inch too small, then heated (to expand) and then 'pressure fitted' around the rim. They were called 'tires,' the etymology of that term somewhat uncertain. ]

Thoroughly enjoy the mix of human nature and advance of technology. We are constantly seeking an ease to our load and the authorities are equally diligent with taxation.

Thanks for sharing your excellent skills. - Don

Again, thank you for your diligent visits!

deLighting in the exchange, Daniel

Thank you dear Daniel,

To a little tax on tea
I would never object
for I drink lots of coffee.

Due ya suphose the hullabaloo over tee led us inta bein" a coffee drinkin" country? - Don

That's a very interesting suggestion, Don. I'd never thought of that! I do know that I personally cannot stomach the standard tea that is generally packaged. Somehow it always ends up making me nauseated. I do like green tea and a many varieties of herbal tea, however. Green tea with nothing added is probably my favorite, however. And in the summer, fixing coffee exactly as you like it and then pouring it into a large glass filled with ice creates a wonderfully refreshing drink!

You don't feel so taxed in the aftermath, either.

[JustDaniel]

I enjoyed this one for the content and the structure (as I fancy the Rondeau).

I also felt that 'tea-off' throws off the serious nature of the rest of the message in this piece. Even though I made the connection to 'Boston Tea Party' and all that their efforts imparted, I feel it might not be understood here.

[ I'm afraid that you're quite correct. I felt that when I wrote it, actually, but thought I would give it a try to see what kind of reaction I received from it. Clearly, most asked for a clarification, and of course it does seem to take away from the seriousness because of the anachronistic slang. ]

Here are a few ideas for you to ponder below.
Cheers
~Cleo

A smoldering, {a} charcoal fire
that heats great iron hoops for tires
to ring the wheelwright's oaken spokes
on circled pine, for working folks
to move with freedom — their desire.

[ I do see the reason for the suggestion, but it would both take away from the meter and the intent. I wanted to emphasize the smouldering (which is the first thing I saw in the wheelwright's yard. I didn't want merely to refer to a smouldering, charcoal fire. Does that make sense to you, Lori? ]

Their taxing load, it seems, inspires
new ways of commerce and requires
a new restraint, a gentler yoke (I would move the dash up after ‘yoke’)
— a smoldering.

[ Thank you. It was another 'experiment' awaiting a negative reaction. Thank you for sharing it. ]

Wheels turn. Some gentry now admire
their revolution, yet the ire
of governance would soon invoke
new fear, tea-off his subjects, soak (I too think the insertion her of ‘tea-off’ could be stronger if changed: perhaps ‘upset his subjects’?)
them, take a powder, leave his pyre
a-smoldering.

I hope that my modification now communicates my intention. Thank you for your feedback.

deLightingly, Daniel B)

[JustDaniel]

LOL I wondered about the Boston Tea Party! I didn't say anything for fear of looking silly! Anyway I like the revision. It clarifies things to a 'T'! LOL

Enjoy your theater outing! - Cathy

I'm pleased that you think so, Cat. By the way, there was destruction of tea in other places including Greenwich, NJ (here in Cumberland County), where it was burned in the public square. There is a monument there today. Here is another interesting blurb about the importance of the Last Tea Party and a few of the persons who participated in it.

I like your revision more than original. As King George is touted to say upon giving the colonist their leave, "Let us see how they like taxation with representation." I think I like their little tea tax contrasted to our total tax. - Don :)

I see your point, Don... and in the US of A we've come to be less and less 'represented' by our local, state and federal 'representatives' with each passing year. Most of them are very much a part of the rich who get richer. Few of them do not become millionaires, I'm afraid. Insider trading, permanent medical insurance and ridiculous pensions are stock-in-trade. Power breeds corruption; absolute power breeds corruption absolutely.

not-so-Lightly taxed in NJ, Daniel