|
|
|
Nightingale |
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Oct 28 05, 17:44
|
Guest
|
Nightingale
She appears on warm Spring winds; soaring blue skies: exquisite song floating on temperate breeze.
He is enchanted: desire burns fiercely; her captivation, his passion.
Caged, clipped, sorrow overwhelms her: plumage pales, eyes dim, spirit suffocates, voice silent.
Dying, she dreams of flight.
© Nina 2005
revisions: punctuation altered in v.1 and breezes changed to breeze Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Jox_*
|
Oct 29 05, 05:46
|
Guest
|
Nightingale
She appears on warm Spring winds{,}[;] soaring blue skies{;}[:] exquisite song floating on temperate breeze{s}.
(I don't think the plural of breeze adds - if we say" breeze" can be any time. I think - don't know why, sorry - singular sounds better?)
He is enchanted: desire burns fiercely; her captivation, his passion.
Caged, clipped, sorrow overwhelms her: plumage pales, (good allit) eyes dim, spirit suffocates, (ditto) voice silent.
Dying, she dreams of flight[.]
Wow, Nina.
Very good indeed - and I have few suggestions and nowt of much moment.
I enjoyed this allegorical take of birds and humans. Very well done.
Does the caged bird sing?
Thank you, J.
|
|
|
|
Guest_Cathy_*
|
Oct 29 05, 08:56
|
Guest
|
Hi Nina,
This paints a very sad picture. So used to being free to come and go as she pleased and suddenly restricted by bars ....
She appears on warm Spring winds, soaring blue skies; exquisite song floating on temperate breeze{s}.
He is enchanted: I'm assuming the "he" is the one who caged her? desire burns fiercely; her captivation, his passion.
Caged, clipped, sorrow overwhelms her: plumage pales, eyes dim, spirit suffocates, voice silent.
Dying, she dreams of flight Period or ellipsis? This could even refer to human relationships.
Cathy
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Oct 29 05, 09:26
|
Guest
|
Hi Cathy
>C>This paints a very sad picture. So used to being free to come and go as she pleased and suddenly restricted by bars ....
indeed
>C>I'm assuming the "he" is the one who caged her?
you are right. He wants her for himself, wants her to sing only for him
>C>This could even refer to human relationships.
thank you. That was my intention.
Thanks for reading and commenting
Nina
|
|
|
|
|
Nov 9 05, 06:34
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi Nina.
A great representation of the Nightingale (metaphor to yearning for freedom once more ? ) I also interpret this as metaphorical to a relationship where the woman is possessed by the man to the point that her sole desire is escape (freedom).
Well done! ~Cleo :sun:
She appears on warm Spring winds; soaring blue skies: exquisite song floating on temperate breeze. ( lovely! )
He is enchanted: desire burns fiercely; her captivation, his passion.
( Above, you could also say:
She enchants… his desires burn fiercely; her captivation, his passion. )
Caged, clipped, sorrow overwhelms her: plumage pales, eyes dim, spirit suffocates, voice silent. (you might also say ‘song silenced’ ? )
Dying, she dreams of flight.
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Nov 9 05, 06:47
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,621
Joined: 18-August 05
From: Johannesburg, South Africa
Member No.: 127
Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Jox
|
Hello Nina~
How sad. Do you know in Italy there are no birds? I believe they are shot on sight. I found it most disturbing as in SA we have an incredible amount of birdlife.
Hopefully it makes people think? This poem is beautifully written, with such sensitivity. Thank you for sharing.
Bev
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Nov 9 05, 07:53
|
Guest
|
Hi Lori
>L>A great representation of the Nightingale (metaphor to yearning for freedom once more ? ) I also interpret this as metaphorical to a relationship where the woman is possessed by the man to the point that her sole desire is escape (freedom).
Thank you and I'm pleased you saw the metaphorical meaning as well :grinning:
thanks for your suggestion re: enchanted or enchants, definitely something to think about.
Caged, clipped, sorrow overwhelms her: plumage pales, eyes dim, spirit suffocates, voice silent. (you might also say ‘song silenced’ ? )
I used song in the first verse which was the reason I couldn't use it here.
Thanks for this
Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Nov 9 05, 07:55
|
Guest
|
Hi Bev
>B>How sad. Do you know in Italy there are no birds? I believe they are shot on sight. I found it most disturbing as in SA we have an incredible amount of birdlife.
That is really terrible and as you say disturbing. We have lots of birds over here (a bit too many pigeons maybe) but I couldn't imagine not seeing any at all.
>B>Hopefully it makes people think? This poem is beautifully written, with such sensitivity. Thank you for sharing.
I hope it does make people think and thank you for your lovely comment, very much appreciated.
Take care
Nina
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|