Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: Nightingale
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011
Nina
Nightingale

She appears on
warm Spring winds;
soaring blue skies:
exquisite song floating
on temperate breeze.

He is enchanted:
desire burns fiercely;
her captivation,
his passion.

Caged, clipped,
sorrow overwhelms her:
plumage pales,
eyes dim,
spirit suffocates,
voice silent.

Dying, she dreams of flight.


© Nina  2005


revisions: punctuation altered in v.1 and breezes changed to breeze
Nina




Jox
Nightingale

She appears on
warm Spring winds{,}[;]
soaring blue skies{;}[:]
exquisite song floating
on temperate breeze{s}.

(I don't think the plural of breeze adds - if we say" breeze" can be any time. I think - don't know why, sorry - singular sounds better?)

He is enchanted:
desire burns fiercely;
her captivation,
his passion.

Caged, clipped,
sorrow overwhelms her:
plumage pales, (good allit)
eyes dim,
spirit suffocates, (ditto)
voice silent.

Dying, she dreams of flight[.]

Wow, Nina.

Very good indeed - and I have few suggestions and nowt of much moment.

I enjoyed this allegorical take of birds and humans. Very well done.

Does the caged bird sing?

Thank you, J.
Nina
Hi J

>J>(I don't think the plural of breeze adds - if we say" breeze" can be any time. I think - don't know why, sorry - singular sounds better?)

I couldn't make my mind up whether to use breeze or breezes and kept changing it, so no problem to make it singular again.  

Thanks also for your suggestions for punctuation, again I wasn't sure which to use and went for the comma.

>J>Wow, Nina.

Very good indeed - and I have few suggestions and nowt of much moment.

Thanks very much and for the suggestions you offered.   grinning.gif

>J>I enjoyed this allegorical take of birds and humans. Very well done.

I'm pleased you enjoyed it and got the allegorical aspect.


Does the caged bird sing?

good question!

Then there is Maya Angelou's autobiography, which I have somewhere around,called "I know why the caged bird sings"

Thanks muchly

Nina
Cathy
Hi Nina,

This paints a very sad picture.  So used to being free to come and go as she pleased and suddenly restricted by bars ....

She appears on
warm Spring winds,
soaring blue skies;
exquisite song floating
on temperate breeze{s}.

He is enchanted: I'm assuming the "he" is the one who caged her?
desire burns fiercely;
her captivation,
his passion.

Caged, clipped,
sorrow overwhelms her:
plumage pales,
eyes dim,
spirit suffocates,
voice silent.

Dying, she dreams of flight Period or ellipsis?  This could even refer to human relationships.

Cathy
ghostface.gif
Nina
Hi Cathy

>C>This paints a very sad picture.  So used to being free to come and go as she pleased and suddenly restricted by bars ....

indeed

>C>I'm assuming the "he" is the one who caged her?

you are right.  He wants her for himself, wants her to sing only for him

>C>This could even refer to human relationships.

thank you.  That was my intention.


Thanks for reading and commenting

Nina
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Nina.

A great representation of the Nightingale (metaphor to yearning for freedom once more ? ) I also interpret this as metaphorical to a relationship where the woman is possessed by the man to the point that her sole desire is escape (freedom).

Well done!
~Cleo  :sun:


She appears on
warm Spring winds;
soaring blue skies:
exquisite song floating
on temperate breeze.  ( lovely! cloud9.gif )

He is enchanted:
desire burns fiercely;  
her captivation,
his passion.

( Above, you could also say:

She enchants…
his desires burn fiercely;
her captivation,
his passion. )


Caged, clipped,
sorrow overwhelms her:
plumage pales,
eyes dim,
spirit suffocates,
voice silent.  (you might also say ‘song silenced’ ? )

Dying, she dreams of flight.
Peterpan
Hello Nina~

How sad. Do you know in Italy there are no birds? I believe they are shot on sight. I found it most disturbing as in SA we have an incredible amount of birdlife.

Hopefully it makes people think? This poem is beautifully written, with such sensitivity. Thank you for sharing.

Bev
Nina
Hi Lori

>L>A great representation of the Nightingale (metaphor to yearning for freedom once more ? ) I also interpret this as metaphorical to a relationship where the woman is possessed by the man to the point that her sole desire is escape (freedom).

Thank you and I'm pleased you saw the metaphorical meaning as well  :grinning:

thanks for your suggestion re: enchanted or enchants, definitely something to think about.

Caged, clipped,
sorrow overwhelms her:
plumage pales,
eyes dim,
spirit suffocates,
voice silent.  (you might also say ‘song silenced’ ? )


I used song in the first verse which was the reason I couldn't use it here.

Thanks for this

Nina
Nina
Hi Bev

>B>How sad. Do you know in Italy there are no birds? I believe they are shot on sight. I found it most disturbing as in SA we have an incredible amount of birdlife.

That is really terrible and as you say disturbing.  We have lots of birds over here (a bit too many pigeons maybe) but I couldn't imagine not seeing any at all.

>B>Hopefully it makes people think? This poem is beautifully written, with such sensitivity. Thank you for sharing.

I hope it does make people think and thank you for your lovely comment, very much appreciated.

Take care

Nina
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2019 Invision Power Services, Inc.