A Visit, ballade metre with internal rhyme Options

[jgdittier]

A point of light, the jets fire bright,     change fire to flare
we sail the universe.
Those lights we see- our galaxy!        change those lights to the glow
In zillion stars, immersed.

On our return, our "world" will learn
of lesser life in space.
Our visit took a second look.
They are a different race.

The life we met had no flight yet,*
They chose to stare in awe.
When our ship docked, they all flocked, change they all to a huge crowd
entranced by all they saw.
*intergalactic

Their age was stone and that alone
was used when time to build.
We taught them math, the stellar path;
for we are wise and skilled.

They bowed to us and made such fuss    keeping the u sound
as though we were divine.
I'll not deny, was with a sigh,
but their thought, never mine.

We do not know how much they'll "grow".
We saw them near to birth.
I'll no more roam, I'm headed home.
"Goodbye" to planet Earth.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Ron,

What a pleasure to read this poem! Beautiful rhymes and inner sonics, as well as strong steady rhthym. I also enjoyed the subject. There were a few very minor weak points that, although don't demand revision, but might do well with some tweaking to improve on it.

Some further in stanza thoughts... Best of luck with this-Again I much enjoyed!

Best Wishes, Liz

A point of light, the jets fire bright,
we sail the universe.
Those lights we see- our galaxy!
In zillion stars, immersed.

L1, I felt the word fire holds more stress than jets/bright. Perhaps..
as fire jets bright.  Which also enhances the image a bit. The movement of 'jet setting' would bring a flame of fire jettting brightly through the skies. :)
In L3, the repeat of light weakens the flow. Perhaps Those gleams we see-our galaxy! Perhaps L4, "A zillion stars immersed. " I didn't think a comma was needed as well.

It would read:
A point of light; the fire jets bright,
we sail the universe.
Those gleams we see-our galaxy,
a zillion stars immersed.


On our return, our "world" will learn
of lesser life in space.
Our visit took a second look.
They are a different race.

This is nice. Smooth execution, words blend well into one another and the full aspect of meaning is clear and precise, it serves as a strong rung on the ladder toward the end of the poem.

The life we met had no flight yet,*
They chose to stare in awe.
When our ship docked, they all flocked,
entranced by all they saw.
*intergalactic

I wasn't too sure that L1/L2 are clear enough to hold the readers attention. By end of stanza, it left me with a few possible interpretations and broke the steady read you've established this far.



Their age was stone and that alone
was used when time to build.
We taught them math, the stellar path;
for we are wise and skilled.

Excellent stanza. Bravo.

They bowed to us and made such fuss
as though we were divine.
I'll not deny, was with a sigh,
but their thought, never mine.

L1, perhaps substituting 'a fuss' instead of such fuss.
L4, lost all meter that had already been set for the reader ...

perhaps:

They bowed to us and made a fuss
as though we were divine.
I'll not deny, with heavy sigh,
it was their thought and never mine.



We do not know how much they'll "grow".
We saw them near to birth.
I'll no more roam, I'm headed home.
"Goodbye" to planet Earth.


EXCELLENT ENDING. There is a absolute wonderfully place twist as the reader is set to believe it is 'earth' that is superior and that it is an earthling who is speaking and the twist comes perfect. GREAT WORK, Ron...



Hugs and best wishes, Liz
--------------

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Ron

This is a fascinating viewpoint of aliens visiting earth from outer space.  What would Stone Age man have thought of spaceships appearing in the sky, probably that they were gods.

I liked the idea that the aliens were more advanced than humans but I think they'd be shocked to return to earth today and saw how we have used the knowledge acquired, since we are destroying the planet, using up all its resources.  The world is a much more violent place since the invention of guns and knives.

I enjoyed the poem but can't really offer suggestions as it would wreck your form.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[jgdittier]

Dear Liz,
I always enjoy reading a thorough review of a piece as I learn what matters to others. Deliberately trying to write in the style of the bards of yore leaves many opportunities for change.
I agree that in line 5 "fire" deserves a bit too much beat. I'll let it ride for now hoping someone will come up with a substitute, even possibly me.
In line 17 I think the "such" also merits a little too much beat but I'm trying to emphasize the google eyes on the part of the "hosts" and like the "s" sounds.
Line 19 I want to retain the trimeter.
I do like the ending. I suppose, if they appear as we envision them, we'd look just as comical to them.
As to the third stanza, I must be a bit coy to be vague while not being obviously so.
I'll here admit that I'm satisfied that there's life more intelligent than we in the universe, but I've never seen an indication in the flesh.
Thanks for your comments!
Cheers,    Ron   jgd

Dear Nina,
If man is an animal as all our senses tell us, we seem to be just as
feral as all other meat-eaters. There are few species of totally docile critters in the world (eg. sheep) and they are dependent on other forms to protect them. Even the non-living world is violent with earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, hurricanes, etc.
If space travellers are on their way here right now, how would we receive them?
Cheers,     Ron

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Ron,

Great stuff - Brill final twist.

Thank you for the read :)

>R>If space travellers are on their way here right now, how would we receive them?

We'd nuke them, of course. Can't take chances!

I'm glad you're more optimistic than Nina about humans - because I'm pretty-much with her on this - so I'm glad someone is more positive.

I think this planet would be far better off without people. The thing is, sure many creatures are nastier and nature is vicious but man is very damagins and very numerous. No other creatures (maybe bacteria excluded) change the planet as we do.

Great poem and debate, thanks Ron.

J.

[jgdittier]

Dear Jox,
Optimistic about humans? To compare humans with other fauna forms
suggests to me that we obey the same rules, we're just smarter.
We and all critters seek self- benefit, comfort, etc. We have developed to a level where we can conceive of morality, which might not be the case for the lower critters.
It appears to me that the entire universe has its only role to provide a matrix for time and time's only role to allow for change to produce man and the "man" that will be as millions of years pass.
We are the reason for the universe. Just as change didn't stop with apes, it won't stop with us, but right now, we are the top of the food chain and we're the only ones able to know it.
What say you?
Cheers,    Ron   jgd

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Ron...

I apologize for not getting even to your previous ballad yet.  I've either  been running around in all directions or lying flat on my back often in the past few weeks.  

This is an excellent, imaginitive ballad [ note the distinction between this and a Ballade, a significantly different beastie! ]

I was quite clear on where this was going, having read Von Daniken's fiction posing as research... but your piece is VERY cleverly done.

Here are some perspective and editorial type thoughts I'll merely show you, simply from my limited vantage point... and for you to take or toss:

A point of light, the jets fire bright,
we sail the universe.
Those lights we see- our galaxy!
In zillion stars, immersed.

[ I agree with Liz's take on the first stanza completely. ]

On our return, our "world" will learn
of lesser life in space.
Our visit took a second look(.)[;]
they are a different race.

The life we met had no flight had no wings yet(,)[;]*
they chose to stare in awe.
When our ship docked, they all a great crowd flocked,
entranced by all they saw.
*intergalactic

Their age was Stone[,] and that alone
was used when time to they would build.
We taught them math, the stellar path([,]
for we are wise and skilled.

They bowed to us [--] and made such what a fuss [--]
as though we were divine(.)[!]
I'll not deny, 'twas with a sigh(,)[...]
but their thought, never mine.

We do not know how much they'll "grow".
We saw them nearing to birth.
I'll no more roam(,)[;] I'm headed home.
"Goodbye" to planet Earth.

Always appreciating your Light, Daniel  

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Ron,

Your piece is quite delightful, as well as playful.   Quite a few intellectuals have concluded that the unexplainable chasms humans seem to have leaped are due to alien input.  I like the series written by Zecharia Sitchen.

I perceived up front the speaker was alien to Earth.  I also liked the ending of the aliens never returning.  Like travelers lending a hand and moving on.  

Since Liz brought up the debate over "fire." I suggest a stronger action word of "flare."  Your verse doesn't cover giving mankind fire, just math to manipulate stone.  

Your internal rhymes are marvelous.

Thanks for the enjoyable read.

Don

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

I'm sorry I missed this one.  Created quite a picture and I loved
the end.  The rhythm is near to perfect IMO and the rhyme is
great, it all blends so well together.  A wonderful story as well!

A few suggestions to use or lose  :grinning:

{omit}[add]

A point of light, the jets {fire}[flare] bright,
we sail the universe.
{Those lights}[The glow] we see- our galaxy! Avoids repetition.
In zillion stars, immersed.

On our return, our "world" will learn
of lesser life in space.
Our visit took a second look.
They are a different race.

The life we met had no flight yet,*
They chose to stare in awe.
When our ship docked, {they all}[a huge crowd] flocked,
entranced by all they saw.
*intergalactic

Their age was stone and that alone
was used when time to build.
We taught them math, the stellar path;
for we are wise and skilled.

They bowed to us and {made such}[what a] fuss
as though we were divine.
I'll not deny, was with a sigh,
but their thought, never mine.

We do not know how much they'll "grow".
We saw them near to birth.
I'll no more roam, I'm headed home.
"Goodbye" to planet Earth.

Enjoyed the fantasy ... although it might not fantasy be!

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
I like your suggestions and have incorporated them.
Thanks for the help.
Do you suppose that poets are such because we carry space-man genes?
Cheers,    Ron