Garden of Eden, revised Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Thanks to James for the comment he made which gave me the inspiration for this poem

Garden of Eden (revised with thanks to Cathy, Don and James)

Alluring winding lane
leads enticingly
to elegant splendour;
magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds:
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Rainbow colours
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
attracts brightly
coloured butterflies
flitting between blooms.

Sparkling-clear icy water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream.

Tranquillity surrounds.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting.

My mirror shatters:
paradise fractures into
deadly shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees ,
become distorted headless bodies:
they tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape.

Spiders’ webs span
rusting jagged spikes;
lean brown rats
rummage rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
through false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped in
unrelenting, waking
nightmare…

Black reality





------------------------
Garden of Eden (original)

Alluring winding lane
leads me enticingly
to elegant splendour
of magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
planted with rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies
who flit from bloom to bloom.

Sparkling icy clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream below.

Tranquillity surrounds me.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting

The mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly sharp,
glassy shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
like distorted headless bodies,
tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes,
while lean brown rats rummage
amid rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
emanate from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
into false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

Black reality


Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

This was a shocking twist!  I was lulled into a sense of serenity
when suddenly my legs were knocked out from under me!

A few suggestions that may be tossed if you choose:
{omit}[add]

Alluring winding lane
leads me enticingly  entices me
[in]to elegant splendour
of magnificent garden[,]
{in}[a] secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
{planted with} rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.  Nice alliteration.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies[,]
{who flit from} bloom to bloom.

Sparkling {icy} clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream {below}.Wouldn't it be assumed
the stream was below?

Tranquillity surrounds me.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting[.] Good use of alliteration.

{The} Mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly sharp, "deadly glass shards."  Glass shards would of course
be sharp so is that word needed?
glassy shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
like distorted headless bodies,
tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape[.]

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes,
{while} lean brown rats rummage
amid rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
emanate from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
into false veneer of
beauty['s] {and} enchantment{:},
I’m trapped
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

Black reality


Alluring winding lane
entices me
into elegant splendour
of magnificent garden,
a secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies,
bloom to bloom.

Sparkling clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream.

Tranquillity surrounds me.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting.

Mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly glass shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
like distorted headless bodies,
tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape.

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes,
lean brown rats rummage
amid rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
emanate from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
into false veneer of
beauty's enchantment,
I’m trapped
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

Black reality


Just something to consider, your choice of course.  *smiles*

Cathy

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

This was a shocking twist!  I was lulled into a sense of serenity
when suddenly my legs were knocked out from under me!
Thank you.  That is the effect I was hoping for.  I partly intended this to be the ultimate in looking at something "through rose coloured spectacles" then having illusion removed and having to face reality and part a pleasant dream switching to a nightmare.

Thanks for your suggestions which as usual are excellent.

Alluring winding lane
leads me enticingly  entices me
[in]to elegant splendour
of magnificent garden[,]
{in}[a] secluded enclave
yes, happy with that

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds,
{planted with} rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.  Nice alliteration.
again, no problem leaving out planted with

Heady perfume
fills the air,
attracting brightly
coloured butterflies[,]
{who flit from} bloom to bloom.
this is the only suggestion I'm not sure about.  without who flit from, it seems slightly odd.

Sparkling {icy} clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream {below}.Wouldn't it be assumed
the stream was below?
true

{The} Mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly sharp, "deadly glass shards."  Glass shards would of course
be sharp so is that word needed?
glassy shards.
I take your point (ouch) and probably not needed.

Thanks again for all your hard work on this



Nina

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nina,

Your plethora of awards intimidates my humble observations.

I wish not to quibble over tiny details such as word choice, spelling, or punctuation.

I like the light to dark strain transitioned by a mirror. It is like the back side of the reflection we never see except minds eye.  The mirror reflects what we prefer and another aspect speaks to our deeper thoughts.

Your imagery is outstanding.  

I like the trimmed lawns bordering flowerbeds compared to flowerbeds bordering lawns.

The mirror shatters: stanza can be improved by a better word for fragment, which undercuts action of word shatters.  Though not neccessarily true, most think of mirrors built of glass.  Hence saying it is glass is redundant and insults the reader.  Sliver shards may be improvement for glassy shards.

You emphased specific colours but overlooked opportunity to list various fragrances of perfumes.

I prefer straight forward, clear ice water in place of your flowery icy clear water.

In the spider/rat stanza:  I think the spider webs should already be visible instead of being actively fabricated. Let the webs be visual and forboding background.  I like many alliterations inserted such as rats, rummage, rotting, rubbish.

Keeping present tense works well for ingrossing action interest.  Too many modifiers tend to unravel the benefit of action nouns and verbs.  

Alluring winding lane for example is weak.  Why is it alluring?

It is evident you have put a great deal of effort into Garden of Eden.  A tighter, less verbose version would be better for my read, but my meager awards whisper.

You have a good foundation for a superior poem.  I wonder about ending in a dark tone, but no telling about literary tricks.

Sincerely  Don

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

Many thanks for your extensive and carefully considered crit.

Your plethora of awards intimidates my humble observations.
Please don't let my awards intimidate you and your observations certainly aren't humble.  The number of awards I have isn't important, it doesn't mean that I'm any better a poet than you.  In fact probably the opposite is true.  You have years more experience and knowledge of poetry than I have.  I'm very new to poetry writing  and I very much value and respect your opinions and ideas.  Besides some of the awards are simply an indication of my participation in the challenges on this board and my somewhat prolific output, so please, in no way should you be intimidated.

I like the light to dark strain transitioned by a mirror. It is like the back side of the reflection we never see except minds eye.  The mirror reflects what we prefer and another aspect speaks to our deeper thoughts.
Thank you, I very much like that interpretation

Your imagery is outstanding.  

I like the trimmed lawns bordering flowerbeds compared to flowerbeds bordering lawns.
Gosh, thank you

The mirror shatters: stanza can be improved by a better word for fragment, which undercuts action of word shatters.  Though not neccessarily true, most think of mirrors built of glass.  Hence saying it is glass is redundant and insults the reader.  Sliver shards may be improvement for glassy shards.
OK, I'll bear that in mind when I make revisions and consider a replacement for fragment.

You emphased specific colours but overlooked opportunity to list various fragrances of perfumes.
ah that is probably because other than saying
Heady perfume
fills the air,
I'm at a bit of a loss as t how to describe fragrances

I prefer straight forward, clear ice water in place of your flowery icy clear water.
interesting.  Clear ice water is not a phrase I would use in everyday language, yet icy clear water or clear icy water is.

In the spider/rat stanza:  I think the spider webs should already be visible instead of being actively fabricated. Let the webs be visual and forboding background
again something to think about when revising

Alluring winding lane for example is weak.  Why is it alluring?
good question

It is evident you have put a great deal of effort into Garden of Eden.  A tighter, less verbose version would be better for my read, but my meager awards whisper.
again, the number of awards is irrelevant.  Actually this is probably the longest poem I have written, normally they are much shorter and less verbose.

You have a good foundation for a superior poem.  I wonder about ending in a dark tone, but no telling about literary tricks.
more my twisted mind than any literary tricks.

Thanks once again for your crit, it is much appreciated and you have given me plenty of food for thought.

Cheers

Nina

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nina

Many thanks for your extensive and carefully considered crit.  Alas, the more I learn the less there is to say.

Your plethora of awards intimidates my humble observations.Please don't let my awards intimidate you and your observations certainly aren't humble.  The number of awards I have isn't important, it doesn't mean that I'm any better a poet than you.  In fact probably the opposite is true.  You have years more experience and knowledge of poetry than I have.  I'm very new to poetry writing  and I very much value and respect your opinions and ideas.  Besides some of the awards are simply an indication of my participation in the challenges on this board and my somewhat prolific output, so please, in no way should you be intimidated.  As you can tell colorful badges are colorful.  If I were truly intimidated…..?.

You emphased specific colours but overlooked opportunity to list various fragrances of perfumes.
ah that is probably because other than saying Heady perfume fills the air,
I'm at a bit of a loss as t how to describe fragrances. Visit a perfume shop and jot down names of their wares.  I suspect we use floral names to describe their unique aromas.  What else smells like a Lilly?

I prefer straight forward, clear ice water in place of your flowery icy clear water.
interesting.  Clear ice water is not a phrase I would use in everyday language, yet icy clear water or clear icy water is. Indeed interesting.  If your region is accustomed to how you say it then keep it.  We colonials are weird. .

It is evident you have put a great deal of effort into Garden of Eden.  A tighter, less verbose version would be better for my read, but my meager awards whisper.
again, the number of awards is irrelevant.  Actually this is probably the longest poem I have written, normally they are much shorter and less verbose.  Length produces characteristic risks.  I am happy to see you graduating into longer works.  I frankly tend to crit short stuff for lack of time and concentration, if truth is known.  There is the change of pace avenue for longer poems.  Your tone is a major change of pace.  Short stanzas strategically located within series of verbose is a beneficial change of pace.  Quotations of conversation are a chance of pace in prose, and poems.

You have a good foundation for a superior poem.  I wonder about ending in a dark tone, but no telling about literary tricks.more my twisted mind than any literary tricks. Ending on a happy note or sad is optional.  Most novels have happy conclusions because people live too many sad ones. I do not consider poetry best employed for escapists’ fantasy.  However, some terrific examples counter this view.  In this work of yours additional length could address returning to happy face.  Only as a change of pace artifice, you see?

Thanks once again for your crit, it is much appreciated and you have given me plenty of food for thought. I am looking forward to your crit many weeks from now when I am able to return to submission writing. .

Cheers  DITTO.
Nina
Don.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

As you can tell colorful badges are colorful.  If I were truly intimidated…..?.

 :grinning:

Visit a perfume shop and jot down names of their wares.  I suspect we use floral names to describe their unique aromas.  What else smells like a Lilly?
I think you are right, but my problem is I'm fairly ignorant when it comes to flowers and don't get any sense of a fragrance from the mention of the word Lilly.  I tend to be more visual than olfactory (if that is the right word)

Length produces characteristic risks.  I am happy to see you graduating into longer works.  I frankly tend to crit short stuff for lack of time and concentration, if truth is known.  There is the change of pace avenue for longer poems.  Your tone is a major change of pace.  Short stanzas strategically located within series of verbose is a beneficial change of pace.  Quotations of conversation are a chance of pace in prose, and poems.
Thank you, very useful information to bear in mind for the future.

Ending on a happy note or sad is optional.  Most novels have happy conclusions because people live too many sad ones. I do not consider poetry best employed for escapists’ fantasy.  However, some terrific examples counter this view.  In this work of yours additional length could address returning to happy face.  Only as a change of pace artifice, you see?
It would be difficult in this particular poem, to go back to the happy face.  Once illusion has been removed, how can you ever recapture tht innocence.  Your experience is irrevocably altered by the truth.

I am looking forward to your crit many weeks from now when I am able to return to submission writing. .
and I am looking forward to reading your poetry again.  It has been so long since I have had that pleasure.

Thanks very much for this interesting discussion

:pharoah2

Nina

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Nina,

It would be difficult in this particular poem, to go back to the happy face.  Once illusion has been removed, how can you ever recapture that innocence.  Your experience is irrevocably altered by the truth.

Difficult only to the degree of images within the mirror.  What is truth but contemporary concensus?  I've seen many taboos fall to new taboos.  Resurrection is faith, fact is beyond human frailty. Loss of innocence is concluding one will never really know.

Point of view of cycles has been subjugated by treaching straight-line progress.  I am looking forward to second childhood senility.

Don :)

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Don

Difficult only to the degree of images within the mirror.  What is truth but contemporary concensus?  
truth in this case is the reality beneath the illusion and is the narrator's truth, not necessarily contemporary concensus.

I've seen many taboos fall to new taboos.
that is true

Resurrection is faith, fact is beyond human frailty.
I don't believe in resurrection

Loss of innocence is concluding one will never really know.
not sure I understand this.

Point of view of cycles has been subjugated by treaching straight-line progress.
probably

I am looking forward to second childhood senility.
good for you, go for it!

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina, some suggestions...

{-}[+](Comments)

Thanks for the credit!

Interesting Big poem this

Enjoyed it, thanks.

J.


Garden of Eden

Alluring winding lane
leads {me} enticingly
to elegant splendour[;]
{of} magnificent garden
in secluded enclave.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds{,}[:]

(change following lines - see below)

planted with rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

(Suggestion:)

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds:
flourishing flowers’
rich profusion.

Pinks, reds,
yellows, mauves
nestle proudly among
rich green foliage.

(The simple listing of colours doesn’t work for me here. I’d prefer you said something to convey a multi-coloured panorama.)

Heady perfume
{fills the air,}
{attracting} [attracts] brightly
coloured butterflies,
{who flit from bloom to bloom.}
[flitting between blooms.]

Sparkling icy clear water
tumbles from majestic waterfall
into gently flowing stream below.

(I think the above would bear re-structuring)

(Suggestion:)

Majestic waterfall tumbles
sparkling-clear icy water
to become gentle stream.

Tranquillity surrounds {me}.

I tread eagerly along
intricately patterned path,
venturing deeper
into magical garden:
unaware,
unsuspecting[.]



{The}[My] mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly {sharp},
glassy shards.

(Thus:)

My mirror shatters:
paradise fragments into
deadly glassy shards.

Illusion dissolves.

Withered, gnarled trees,
{like} [become] distorted headless bodies,
[they] tower menacingly above
barren, desolate landscape[.]

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes{,}[;]
{while} lean brown rats (line break) rummage
{amid} rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

(hence:)

Spiders weave webs
between rusting jagged spikes;
lean brown rats
rummage rotting rubbish
on stony cracked earth.

Dense dank fog lingers
over stagnant slimy pond:
death and decay
{emanate} from every crevice.

Lured by childish trust
{into}[through] false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped (line changes)
in unrelenting,
waking nightmare.

(Thus:)

Lured by childish trust
[through false veneer of
beauty and enchantment:,
I’m trapped in
unrelenting waking
nightmare...

Black reality

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Thanks for the credit!
thanks for the idea sparked by your comment on Secrets about gardens.

Interesting Big poem this
yes, I've not written such a long poem before. Glad you found it interesting and enjoyed it.

Thanks for your suggestions.  It does need tightening and I will use a lot of your suggested changes but I don't want to go too minimalist on the first part as I want to create a peaceful, languid, dreamy feel to the first part.

Thanks again for your extensive crit

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

I've made some revisions which I hope improve this poem.  Thanks again for all the very helpful suggestions, they are greatly appreciated.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

WOW Nina!  Shock

A very stimulating tile! Just when one thinks of tranquil moments - BAM! The reality comes shattering in! I must say - I like that about this piece! You've managed to get me into a tranquil peace of mind - but then....

reality bites....

Well done - a few minor suggestions to ponder:

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds: <-- how about 'manicured'?
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.

Rainbow {kaleidoscopic} colours <-- with or without Rainbow?
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage.

Well stated Nina!  :cheer:

~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

Thanks for popping in here to read.  I'm pleased you found the tile stimulating and felt the shock of reality shattering the tranquil illusion.



Thanks for your suggestions.

Lush trimmed lawns
border neat flowerbeds: <-- how about 'manicured'?
rich profusion
of flourishing flowers.
I'm not too keen on manicured as it always conjures up a vision in my mind of a gardener on his hands and knees trimming lawn/flowers etc with a pair of nail scissors.

Rainbow {kaleidoscopic} colours <-- with or without Rainbow?
nestle proudly among  
rich green foliage
thanks I'm not sure about kaleidoscopic, I'll ponder it a bit.

Thanks again, much appreciated

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Well done - good revision.

>N>I'm not too keen on manicured as it always conjures up a vision in my mind of a gardener on his hands and knees trimming lawn/flowers etc with a pair of nail scissors.

I've actually seen that (amost) done. A small lawn and a lady was  cutting the lawn with kitchen (not nail) scissors. Hands and knees. it only took her a couple of hours.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Well done - good revision.
thanks and thanks also for your suggestions.

I've actually seen that (amost) done. A small lawn and a lady was  cutting the lawn with kitchen (not nail) scissors. Hands and knees. it only took her a couple of hours.
Oooer, rather her than me, how tediously boring.  It is bad enough using a lawn mower.  One advantage of not having a garden is that I don't have to cut the grass.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina -

Grow lawn wallpaper and have a pully-system from the ceiling, slowly allowing the indoor mover down then hoisting it back up and along to re-start - or have fun with the scissors. Beats watching paint dry any day!

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Grow lawn wallpaper and have a pully-system from the ceiling, slowly allowing the indoor mover down then hoisting it back up and along to re-start - or have fun with the scissors. Beats watching paint dry any day!
ROFL

The only problem with that idea, is the thought of having to remove all the lovely painted over woodchip paper we have throughout the flat.

Nina

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

Thanks for your suggestions.



I'm not too keen on manicured as it always conjures up a vision in my mind of a gardener on his hands and knees trimming lawn/flowers etc with a pair of nail scissors.


Thanks again, much appreciated

Nina

I understand Nina - I think of it more like as in Boxwoods all neatly lined up in a row. :minnie:

Actually, my next door neighbor is somewhat fanatical Shock about these two shrubs (topiaries) he has near his front porch. He's out there with scissors too for HOURS trimming them up on hands and knees. Frankly, I don't have that kind of patience!  :laugh:  I nearly died laughing when his wife came out and took scissors to their lawn!  :speechless:  :oops:  :upside:  :grinning:

Cheers!
~Cleo  :mouse:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Lori

I've never heard of boxwoods, so had to find a picture of them on the net.  I'm a hardened townie and don't even have a garden, so am totally ignorant of many plants.  

I think I'd be in hysterics, just like you, watching someone patiently cutting shrubs, what a waste of time.

Nina