Undertones Options

[Aphrodite]

Crispy leaves drift sunspun air;
wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,
chilling sorrow aches my bones.
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood undertones.

Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart
once upon the greenery.

[Guest__*]

Dear Aphro !

Neat, esp as it is 7 syllables per line precisely. I objected to the first line and thought you should add an "in", but instead, to keep it at 7s, just put a comma after "drift".

Crispy leaves drift peaceful air;
wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,
chilling sorrow aches my bones. - sorrowS ache is smoother
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones. - cheery childhood's undertones ?

Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,
once upon the greenery. (Once such brilliant greenery - perhaps ?)

(Here is where I fall out ! autumn's scenery is not greenery, more like reddery. orangery, yellowy, but apart from this peculiarity (and I do know what you're saying), this is a lovely poem. Can you amend that last line ? It sort of fizzles out.

You have a lovely elegiac feel to this one.

Love
Alan

[Eisa]

Crispy leaves drift, peaceful air;

I agree with Alan here and felt it should say " drift in" but a comma would solve that

wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,
chilling sorrow aches my bones.
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones.

Lovely descriptions here

Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,
once upon the greenery.

I think perhaps a description of the greenery would be nice here...perhaps
" lush greenery"

Hi there

This is a wonderful piece, full of descriptions that draw you in, make you feel you're there.

I just have a couple of thoughts that might be useful to you.

Well done though    

Snow

[Aphrodite]

Dear Aphro !

Neat, esp as it is 7 syllables per line precisely. I objected to the first line and thought you should add an "in", but instead, to keep it at 7s, just put a comma after "drift".

Crispy leaves drift peaceful air;
wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,
chilling sorrow aches my bones. - sorrowS ache is smoother
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones. - cheery childhood's undertones ?

Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,
once upon the greenery. (Once such brilliant greenery - perhaps ?)

(Here is where I fall out ! autumn's scenery is not greenery, more like reddery. orangery, yellowy, but apart from this peculiarity (and I do know what you're saying), this is a lovely poem. Can you amend that last line ? It sort of fizzles out.

You have a lovely elegiac feel to this one.

Love
Alan

Hello Alan~

Thanks, for commenting. :)
Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,
once upon the greenery. (Once such brilliant greenery - perhaps ?)

(Here is where I fall out ! autumn's scenery is not greenery, more like reddery. orangery, yellowy, but apart from this peculiarity (and I do know what you're saying), this is a lovely poem. Can you amend that last line ? It sort of fizzles out.

You have a lovely elegiac feel to this one.


***This whole poem is about how life was once colorful, lovely and free, and now the reality of "living" has brought-out life's truths. (and heartaches) A bittersweet look at "undertones" of happiness. Trying to see "beauty through the trees."
Actually, one of my favorite lines is:
Once upon the greenery. In other words, before the leaves change, (life) and when everything was lush and living.
Does that make sense?

I do appreciate your input and will ponder some of your ideas.

Take care~
A

[Aphrodite]

Crispy leaves drift, peaceful air;

I agree with Alan here and felt it should say " drift in" but a comma would solve that

wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,
chilling sorrow aches my bones.
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones.

Lovely descriptions here

Timeless dancing in the wind,
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,
once upon the greenery.

I think perhaps a description of the greenery would be nice here...perhaps
" lush greenery"

Hi there

This is a wonderful piece, full of descriptions that draw you in, make you feel you're there.

I just have a couple of thoughts that might be useful to you.

Well done though    

Snow

Hello Eisa~

Thanks, so much for commenting. I appreciate your input as well. I want to try to keep the strict syllable count, but will consider your ideas.

Take care~
A

[Arnfinn]

Hi Aphro

HMMMMMMMMMM...............rINGS A Bellllllllllllll!

Crispy leaves drift peaceful air;
wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,>>>>>cool
chilling sorrow aches my bones.>>>>>>>>how true
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones.

Timeless dancing in the wind,>>>>>>>>lovely
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,>>>>>>>>lovely
once upon the greenery.>>>>>>>>tops it off

As Jim Carey would say.

Baaaaaaaaabeeeeeeeee Dohnt chaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaannge

a thing

Ya got talent girl Ya got me in a whirl.

EXeeeeeeeeept perhaps the colour scheme.

Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones.

Did you mean cheery to become a colour___perhaps
CHERRY hhmmmmmmmm.no!hhhhhhhhhhhmm blushing childhood

Dont matter    

Enjoyed.

Arnie.................>>>>>>--->>>--->> the Finn

[Aphrodite]

Hi Aphro

HMMMMMMMMMM...............rINGS A Bellllllllllllll!

Crispy leaves drift peaceful air;
wistful days of wondering.
Colored pieces piling high,
moment’s tainted suffering.

Strolling footprints, moving truths,>>>>>cool
chilling sorrow aches my bones.>>>>>>>>how true
Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones.

Timeless dancing in the wind,>>>>>>>>lovely
Autumn’s brilliant scenery.
Fleeting seconds warm my heart,>>>>>>>>lovely
once upon the greenery.>>>>>>>>tops it off

As Jim Carey would say.

Baaaaaaaaabeeeeeeeee Dohnt chaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaannge

a thing

Ya got talent girl Ya got me in a whirl.

EXeeeeeeeeept perhaps the colour scheme.

Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones.

Did you mean cheery to become a colour___perhaps
CHERRY hhmmmmmmmm.no!hhhhhhhhhhhmm blushing childhood

Dont matter    

Enjoyed.

Arnie.................>>>>>>--->>>--->> the Finn

Hello Arnie~

I appreciate you stopping by to read my poem, and for your nice words.
Basically, this is a reflective piece, conjuring up bittersweet memories.     

As far as: "Ginger, gold and crimson pink,
cheery childhood, undertones"
I used the word, "cheery" because it does have a similar sound to cherry, yet means "happy."  
Under the dying leaves~precious memories.

Anyhoo, thanks again, and I look forward to reading your work.

Take care~        
Aphrodite

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lindi! :)

Did I never comment on this piece? SHEESH!

What a lovely representation of falling leaves in Autumn (my favorite season ya know!)

I've posted this tile in the Seasons2 Chapbook tile in the Marketplace forum too!

Cool!
~Cleo

[jgdittier]

Dear A,
Treat me to a poem with a cadence like /-/-/-/ and you'll be entertaining me. I think it's the perfect choice  and sets up the reader for a message that's both light and bittersweet.
My only nit is with the first line where I'd consider inserting merrily, joyfully or gracefully, etc. for "peaceful air".
I'm of the old school and find no problem in what now are inaccuracies or inadequate descriptions. Thus, perhaps only I, find no problem with the closing "greenery" as I feel the message.
I'll never master the difference between poetry and prose and have taken to believing that as modern poetry moves ever closer to prose, it loses much of its elegance.
Your "Undertones" is definitely poetry.
Cheers,    jgd

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Linda,

I am not in a nitty mood.

I agree with Jgdittier.  

Greenery can be a metaphor (lost youth) rather than an actual discriptive color.

I loved your eight line.  Please drop the comma though.

Very pleasing read, thanks.

Don  :pharoah2

[Aphrodite]

Hi Lindi! :)

Did I never comment on this piece? SHEESH!

What a lovely representation of falling leaves in Autumn (my favorite season ya know!)

I've posted this tile in the Seasons2 Chapbook tile in the Marketplace forum too!

Cool!
~Cleo

Hello Lori~

I apologize for just getting back as I never received a tracker notice for this one.
You are so sweet pulling this out of the archives and "bumping" it.

Thanks for your positive comments and for thinking of me.


Hugs~
Lindi

[Aphrodite]

Dear A,
Treat me to a poem with a cadence like /-/-/-/ and you'll be entertaining me. I think it's the perfect choice  and sets up the reader for a message that's both light and bittersweet.
My only nit is with the first line where I'd consider inserting merrily, joyfully or gracefully, etc. for "peaceful air".
I'm of the old school and find no problem in what now are inaccuracies or inadequate descriptions. Thus, perhaps only I, find no problem with the closing "greenery" as I feel the message.
I'll never master the difference between poetry and prose and have taken to believing that as modern poetry moves ever closer to prose, it loses much of its elegance.
Your "Undertones" is definitely poetry.
Cheers,    jgd

Hello jgdittier~

How are you? Thank you very much for reading and commenting so sweetly on my poem.
I will definitely mull over your insightful suggestions too. :pharoah2

FYI on the word, "greenery",  I purposely used it as a counterthrust!

Take care and be well.

Blessings~  
Lindi

[Aphrodite]

Hi Linda,

I am not in a nitty mood.

I agree with Jgdittier.  

Greenery can be a metaphor (lost youth) rather than an actual discriptive color.

I loved your eight line.  Please drop the comma though.

Very pleasing read, thanks.

Don  :pharoah2

Hello Don~

How are you? I hope that you are doing well.

There is definitely a duality in how I used the word, "greenery."

Thanks, for your insightful observation.

Blessings~  
Lindi

[Arnfinn]

Hey, this poem is nearly a year old.


Hi Lindi,

Second time around.


Looking back in old age and your lifetime.


No one lives a perfect life Lindi. We're all doomed for sadness in our lives. Usually, your parents go, and the loved ones around you. Then there's the happiness and the sadness of children and friends. A nice even balance. The most important thing is that we are free to choose our paths that begets our own sadness and happiness...to a certain degree. Life and living is a wonderful experience.


And yes, this is a wonderful poem.


I'm glad I dropped in for the second time.


Arnie    

[Guest_Don_*]

Lindi~~

Returned to reread "Untertones."

I saw line eight with additional nuance.
The flame of the candle, if you will.

As we grow older our joy often comes from looking  backward rather than forward.  Your, "cheery childhood undertones," is a metaphor for where happiness resides.  

Today I received an e-mail from an elderly poetess asking my opinion upon a eulogy she wrote about a classmate friend.  Not "the" eulogy, but a remembrance verse.

Within she wrote, "it touched her childhood so much like mine."  This is another example of elderly looking at paradise of the past.  Sort of a paradise lost, no?  

With respect to your exact words, "cheery childhood undertones," I refer to veracity of so-called Freudian slip.  As such,
it certainly establishes a platform from which the author shares with reader the scene toward horizon.

Adding value to a priceless poem.

Don

[Aphrodite]

Hey, this poem is nearly a year old.


Hi Lindi,

Second time around.


Looking back in old age and your lifetime.


No one lives a perfect life Lindi. We're all doomed for sadness in our lives. Usually, your parents go, and the loved ones around you. Then there's the happiness and the sadness of children and friends. A nice even balance. The most important thing is that we are free to choose our paths that begets our own sadness and happiness...to a certain degree. Life and living is a wonderful experience.


And yes, this is a wonderful poem.


I'm glad I dropped in for the second time.


Arnie    

Hello Arnie~

You are so sweet to take a second look at this poem!
Much appreciated, my friend.

Although at the ripe age of 47, I feel pretty young most days,  the future is uncertain and at times scary.
What can we do, but embrace the unknown????

I always appreciate your thoughtful input.

Blessings~
Lindi

[Aphrodite]

Lindi~~

Returned to reread "Untertones."

I saw line eight with additional nuance.
The flame of the candle, if you will.

As we grow older our joy often comes from looking  backward rather than forward.  Your, "cheery childhood undertones," is a metaphor for where happiness resides.  

Today I received an e-mail from an elderly poetess asking my opinion upon a eulogy she wrote about a classmate friend.  Not "the" eulogy, but a remembrance verse.

Within she wrote, "it touched her childhood so much like mine."  This is another example of elderly looking at paradise of the past.  Sort of a paradise lost, no?  

With respect to your exact words, "cheery childhood undertones," I refer to veracity of so-called Freudian slip.  As such,
it certainly establishes a platform from which the author shares with reader the scene toward horizon.

Adding value to a priceless poem.

Don

Hello Don~

I appreciate all of the time you have spent on my poem and the heartfelt words you share relating to your life.

Very touching, my friend.

Thanks, for all of your time.

Blessings~  
Lindi

[Ephiny]

Hi Lindi

This is such a beautiful poem and it made me homesick for autumn (absolutely my favourite season!) and your descriptions of colours made it all so real..as well as a poet, you must be a wonderful artist because I "see" this, just like colours in a painting.  You also bring in feelings of nostalgia, feelings of sensing the possible cold of winter ahead..such a pleasure to read, as all of your poems are

[Aphrodite]

Hi Lindi

This is such a beautiful poem and it made me homesick for autumn (absolutely my favourite season!) and your descriptions of colours made it all so real..as well as a poet, you must be a wonderful artist because I "see" this, just like colours in a painting.  You also bring in feelings of nostalgia, feelings of sensing the possible cold of winter ahead..such a pleasure to read, as all of your poems are

Hello Sweetness~

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment!
You make me feel so joyful!

May the best come to you!

Blessings~
Lindi