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> A Door to Curiosity REVISION #1 **** CRIT WELCOME, variation on a sonnet, from a challenge
JustDaniel
post Jun 22 13, 06:10
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In case you're curious, Sylvia suggested that I post this here from the challenges:

REVISION #1 ... Thanks, Larry and Lori!



A Door to Curiosity

Walking the halls of his high school last week,

suddenly his curiosity peaked.
something made his curiosity peak.
Daybreak now peeked from a place that he swore
Daybreak peeked in from a place where he swore
he'd never noticed a door there before!
he'd never noticed a doorway before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist

seeping out underneath... and it is locked.
seeping out under the door... which was locked.
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
Nearly in shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked....
Suddenly out of the space came a clown


mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
mocking the rube like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.
Thoroughly humbled, I woke from my sleep.

© MLee Dickens'son 2013

from a challenge to use the words: daybreak, song, mist and shock... and the phrase: He'd never noticed a door there before.


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Larry
post Jun 23 13, 23:31
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Hi Daniel,

Surely "A Door To Curiosity" is a curiosity in itself. I don't know how many Dactylic sonnets are out there but there can't be many. You not only did an excellent job in utilizing the given words and a difficult phrase to form a coherent story but did so with a touch of Copperfield and Heinlein thrown in for good measure (The Door into Summer).

I didn't see any "crit ***" so there are none offered. Just a small comment...

Great job and a very enjoyable story.

Thanks

Larry



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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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Merlin
post Jun 24 13, 17:08
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Hi JD,
I wrote one a while back that wasn't in IP also, but since I was in heavy discussion with a colleague at the time, didn't call it a sonnet. HOWEVER, now that I am older and wiser, and since "sonnet" means "little song" in Italian, why not? There are many in middle and older English that are 18 lines, and sonnets.

Good on ya for stretching the boundaries.

I'm curious if there were any curios behind the door?

Back when I was doing monthly generator checks in one building, I noticed an exit sign on the wall, but there were only bricks. Perhaps once there was a door. Caspar had no problem exiting, but I always used the main door.

M


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 24 13, 18:00
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Ha ha Daniel!

That was a fun poem to read; glad to see the Pandora challenge sparked this response.

Cheers,
~Cleo galadriel.gif


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Psyche
post Jun 27 13, 03:19
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Hey Merlin! magicwink1.png

I've enjoyed this 'different' sonnet so much that I'd like to nominate it for IBPC.

It would be sent for August, too late for July. If you agree?

You have plenty of time to tweak it. Do you wish for any suggestions?

No *** in sight!! detective.gif

Cheers, Syl*** cheer.gif


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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Larry
post Jun 27 13, 08:45
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Hey Sylvia,

I know Merlin posted right before you and your post, giving him credit for "A Door to Curiosity" was just a simple mistake - it's by Daniel although it could have come from either of their humor loving minds.

Larry





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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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JustDaniel
post Jul 1 13, 06:35
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Hey, y'all....

I've been away for a week's vacation at the shore, and although the place advertised that we had Wi-Fi access, not only did I not have any in our rooms, but even what was available outside, at the pool, or on the veranda was inconsistent, and I simply did not have opportunity to get online. Also I'm waiting for new batteries for my computer, which should arrive any time now, and I'm tied to the charger cord... and there were no outside outlets available where we were. Even service for my IPad was inconsistent,,, and even when it is available, my old fingers don't work too well on such a dinky keypad!

All of that to say this....

YES, I do welcome critique. I simply forgot to indicate so, when I first posted this.

and YES, I'd be proud to have this nominated. It's enough off-beat, that maybe it would have a chance. So... I'd appreciate all your help, friends!

deLighting in the prospect, Daniel sun.gif


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Larry
post Jul 1 13, 10:14
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Hi Daniel,

Welcome back from your holiday. Sorry it was in a "dead zone".

Okay, using my most critical eye, here are the things I noticed through a few reads. They are, as always, TOT suggestions.

Larry


Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly “something made” his curiosity peaked.

This gets rid of the near-rhyme of “week/peaked” and one of the two instances of using “suddenly” in the same sonnet.

Daybreak now peeked “in” from a place that “where” he swore

(getting rid of present-tense “now” where most of the poem is in past-tense form and changing “that” – a definite article to “where” indicating a place.)

he'd never noticed a door there before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is “was” locked. (again, from present to past-tense)
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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Psyche
post Jul 6 13, 15:06
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So sorry, Daniel, for my mixup, please forgive! Speechless.gif

Do you intend to tweak anything? I see you've received suggestions from Larry.

I'm asking coz there's a new vacancy for July's IBPC, due to Sergio's decision to send a poem from another site.

Only one poem is going, a shame! upside.gif

Maybe yours can be sent if you reply today. It looks good to me, but Larry's offers are fine, have you thought about them?

Hugs, Syl*** Juggle.gif



·······IPB·······

Mis temas favoritos



"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 15 13, 13:28
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Hi Daniel, wave.gif

I came back to take another 'peek' at this one and see that Larry has offered a few items to nibble on, which I feel would improve the imagery and rhythm as well as the tense changes. One area he didn't cover that I shall here is in this bit:

Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.


The is something about 'in a shock' that is bothersome to me. I'm not sure why. I want to read it as: still in shock

Perhaps you'll consider a replacement there?

Cheers,
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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JustDaniel
post Jul 15 13, 17:21
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Thank you all for your assistance with this. I definitely will be working on this to get it prepared for the nomination for August. I've just not been able to be here for the past week because of my schedule. I'll be back shortly.

Thank you for your patience with me. I'll be visiting others' posts as well soon, I trust!!

deLighting in the expectation, Daniel sun.gif


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 20 13, 10:31
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Hi Daniel, sun.gif

Just checking in - are we going to be sending this into the August IBPC?

Please let me know (and if so, are there any further edits to what I have posted in the IBPC forum's thread?

Cheers,
~Cleo galadriel.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 11:48
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QUOTE (Larry @ Jun 24 13, 00:31 ) *
Hi Daniel,

Surely "A Door To Curiosity" is a curiosity in itself. I don't know how many Dactylic sonnets are out there but there can't be many. You not only did an excellent job in utilizing the given words and a difficult phrase to form a coherent story but did so with a touch of Copperfield and Heinlein thrown in for good measure (The Door into Summer).

I didn't see any "crit ***" so there are none offered. Just a small comment...

Great job and a very enjoyable story.

Thanks, Larry

Thank you again for triggering this and implying that it is worthy of critique. As you know, I went back and inserted the necessary ***'s. I'll be to your crit shortly!

deLightingly, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 11:50
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QUOTE (Merlin @ Jun 24 13, 18:08 ) *
Hi JD,
I wrote one a while back that wasn't in IP also, but since I was in heavy discussion with a colleague at the time, didn't call it a sonnet. HOWEVER, now that I am older and wiser, and since "sonnet" means "little song" in Italian, why not? There are many in middle and older English that are 18 lines, and sonnets.

Good on ya for stretching the boundaries.

I'm curious if there were any curios behind the door?

Back when I was doing monthly generator checks in one building, I noticed an exit sign on the wall, but there were only bricks. Perhaps once there was a door. Caspar had no problem exiting, but I always used the main door.

M

Thanks so much, Eric.... and I believe that I may have read at least one of your non-IP sonnets. I'm pleased for your approbation with this 'stretching' the 'boundaries'... as many have done before us! As to Caspar, I'm sure that you're right he'd have no difficulty passing through the former exit... going either way!

deLightingly, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 11:53
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jun 24 13, 19:00 ) *
Ha ha Daniel!

That was a fun poem to read; glad to see the Pandora challenge sparked this response.

Cheers,
~Cleo galadriel.gif

I'm glad for it to, Lori! Once in a while the challenge not only sparks something, but sparks something worthy of further work and consideration. I'm pleased that this one has done that. In fact nothing of mine has been nominated for MANY years. I guess I haven't posted many of my 'serious' pieces for some time either, so that could be a reason as well.

At any rate, thank you for the spark!

deLightingly, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 11:59
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Jun 27 13, 04:19 ) *
Hey Merlin!( Daniel! -ed. ) magicwink1.png

I've enjoyed this 'different' sonnet so much that I'd like to nominate it for IBPC.

It would be sent for August, too late for July. If you agree?

You have plenty of time to tweak it. Do you wish for any suggestions?

No *** in sight!! detective.gif

Cheers, Syl*** cheer.gif

Thank you so much for your Nomination, Sylvia!!

I definitely accept your gracious offer, and I will be posting my further editing in just a short while this afternoon! And of course August will be fine! Further suggestion will be WELCOME from anyone!

deLighting in your kindness, Daniel sun.gif

P.S. ... and of course I hope you won't withdraw your nomination just because I'm not Merlin!! gnome.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 12:47
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QUOTE (Larry @ Jul 1 13, 11:14 ) *
Hi Daniel,

Welcome back from your holiday. Sorry it was in a "dead zone". Okay, using my most critical eye, here are the things I noticed through a few reads. They are, as always, TOT suggestions. - Larry


Walking the halls of his high school last week,
suddenly “something made” his curiosity peaked.

This gets rid of the near-rhyme of “week/peaked” and one of the two instances of using “suddenly” in the same sonnet.

Daybreak now peeked “in” from a place that “where” he swore

(getting rid of present-tense “now” where most of the poem is in past-tense form and changing “that” – a definite article to “where” indicating a place.)

he'd never noticed a door there before!

Faintly a song had emerged from the mist
seeping out underneath... and it is “was” locked. (again, from present to past-tense)
Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.

No one was there, so he battered and kicked
'til he became so worn out, he sat down
right where he was, heaving hard; he was licked.
Suddenly out of the space came a clown

mocking the man like Uriah the Heep.
Thoroughly humbled, he woke up from sleep.


All your observations are apt, Larry. I'd TRIED to formulate a continuous present within the past, but obviously I failed in that. I've taken ALL of your suggestions and made a few other changes.

I'd appreciate especially your comment on the significant change I made to the end... in addition to a few other minor tweaks.

deLighting in your carefulness, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 12:50
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Jul 6 13, 16:06 ) *
So sorry, Daniel, for my mixup, please forgive! Speechless.gif

Do you intend to tweak anything? I see you've received suggestions from Larry.

I'm asking coz there's a new vacancy for July's IBPC, due to Sergio's decision to send a poem from another site.

Only one poem is going, a shame! upside.gif

Maybe yours can be sent if you reply today. It looks good to me, but Larry's offers are fine, have you thought about them?

Hugs, Syl*** Juggle.gif

Certainly no need for apology, Syl! mixups happen to the best of us. God knows I've made more than my share!

I had noticed this post over a week ago, but I was so pressed for time then that I just couldn't get back to it to make the changes I knew needed to be mulled over.

I think it may now be at least close to ready for the August Nomination, if you please.

deLighting in the prospect, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 12:54
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 15 13, 14:28 ) *
Hi Daniel, wave.gif

I came back to take another 'peek' at this one and see that Larry has offered a few items to nibble on, which I feel would improve the imagery and rhythm as well as the tense changes. One area he didn't cover that I shall here is in this bit:

Still in a shock, he looked 'round to enlist
help to gain entrance to where he had knocked.


The is something about 'in a shock' that is bothersome to me. I'm not sure why. I want to read it as: still in shock

Perhaps you'll consider a replacement there?

Cheers, ~Cleo galadriel.gif

I definitely see things from your perspective, methinks, Lori! I appreciate your sharing it! You'll note that I took your suggestion into account in my REVISION #1

deLighting in your suggestion, Daniel sun.gif


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JustDaniel
post Jul 20 13, 13:10
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jul 20 13, 11:31 ) *
Hi Daniel, sun.gif

Just checking in - are we going to be sending this into the August IBPC?

Please let me know (and if so, are there any further edits to what I have posted in the IBPC forum's thread?

Cheers, ~Cleo galadriel.gif

Thanks again, Lori...

I'll see what kind of response y'all have to the changes I've offered in REVISION #1, then let you know in time to send forth the nomination.

deLighting in your attention and desiring to be a worthy entry, Daniel sun.gif


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