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[Larry]

1st Revision (hope it's the last too!)

Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lies,
inscribed as if by Winter�s silver rime,
which maps the past or tells of our demise.
A legend lies upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
portray a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate�s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Of Karma I once dreamed�
Of Karma I once dreamed or so it seemed.


----------------------------------------




Karma

Upon the scroll of time a legend lays,
inscribed as if by Winter�s silver rime,
which maps the past and tells of future days.
A legend lays upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
forming a path from womb to marble crypt:
Arcane calligraphy of Fate�s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Karma�s what I once dreamed�
Karma�s what I once dreamed or so it seemed.


Words used: scroll, shadow(ed), marble, brew(ed), leaf

[Eisa]

Hi Larry - good to see you here.

This is great - not just a SQ but a sonnet too. I've yet to get my head round and try one!

I have a couple of thoughts - take or toss!

Upon the scroll of time a legend lays,
inscribed as if by Winter�s silver rime,
which maps the past and tells of future days.
A legend lays upon the scroll of time
in shadowed script. A swirl of pinnate lines
forming a path from womb to marble crypt:

I stumbled a little on 'forming' on first read - but not so much on second read. I wonder if something like

A swirl of pinnate lines
creates a path from womb to marble crypt:

might be an alternative

Arcane calligraphy of Fate�s designs?
A swirl of pinnate lines in shadowed script
like veins within a leaf, our lives construed.
Portents of birth and death, or joy and grief
revealed; like dregs in cups a Seer brewed.
Our lives, construed like veins within a leaf;
or so it seemed. Karma�s what I once dreamed�
Karma�s what I once dreamed or so it seemed.

I also stumbled on 'Kama's what I once dreamed' - it's the end of this line that seems awkward and it seems dificult to remedy.
Perhaps something like

or so it seemed. My Karma�s what I'd dreamed�
My Karma�s what I'd dreamed or so it seemed.

or perhaps you can think of a rplacement for 'my'

Hope something helps

Snow

[Sekhmet]

Breathtaking!
Larry, I could hardly believe that this was a response to a challenge. It has elegance, and a
hypnotic form.
Not only that, but I learned a new word - pinnate. A very useful poetic word!

I have a tiny niggle, which is entirely personal. It's the word, 'what' or 'what's'.

Possibly:
or so it seemed. That Karma was in my dreams ...
That Karma was in my dreams, or so it seemed.

But if you are happy with, 'what' I'll not complain.

Leo

[jgdittier]

Dear Larry,
My recent comments to Leo confirm my appreciation for CONTRIVED poetry. Contrived may be harsh, as I refer to verse that must be composed, that is, fit a form or in this case forms.
You've spun a work of considerable interest while using required words, the sonnet form and the swap quatrain form.
Even a poor effort would be newsworthy.
I've never likes suggesting actual modifications, other than typos. However, this one deserves to force me to break my own rules.
I wonder about "lays" in line one I like better "lies" and think you might then end line three with " and sees through future's eyes".
Line six: "that pick the path" (I love alliteration)
Line thirteen: "of KARma ONCE i DREAMED
14: Karma's what I dreamed, or so it seemed.
I think your line 12 is masterful, "construed like veins within a leaf". That ties it all up so nicely!
Congratulations

Cheers, jgdittier

[Larry]

Hi Ron, Leo & Snow,

I must apologize for my negligence in attending this beautiful site but have had too many things happen which required my attention
before I could "come out to play"!

Thank you all for your critiques and praise. I will study your suggestions and try to incorporate them or some variant so as to improve my offering. Please bear with me for a week or so and I will have much more free time to amend my poem.

Thank you all.

Larry

[jgdittier]

Dear Larry,
as to my suggestions, please take them only if they strike your fancy. I will feel more guilty if you accept them than if you didn't. I'm and admitted horse of another color and don't want to off-color anyone else's poetry.
Cheers, ron jgdittier

[Larry]

Hi All,

Hope I have addressed and applied a better poem keeping all your crits in mind.

I like it better than the original and hope you do also.

Larry

[Eisa]

Thumbs up from me Larry!

Snow