OPEN, poetry by Bipolarwriter Options

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

This is Melody aka Bipolarwriter. Thanks to all my friends and their well wishes through my difficult times. I am back now with much to post. As usual keep in mind this is a first draft for you to read. Thank you all for not forgetting about me.

OPEN

Do our eyes not reflect a
tortured spirit

We live in this world
yet it is not yours.

We live so close
around you
yet you do not
know us.

Our eyes full of
darkness
full of loneliness.

Why must you turn a
blind eye to us
as if to say

We are not here.

We seek no pity
only tolerance
understanding.

We wish to rid you
of your blissful
ignorance.

We scream at you
from our
madness.

It is a futile attempt.

You turn a deaf ear
to our cries
as if to say,

our cries do not matter.

So many of us
alone
only each other to
hold on to.

There are those who say,
"We are here for you"
it may as well be a drop of water
on the raging fires of hell.

We are capable of love
friendships,
we desire some normalcy
in life.

Yet you turn an indifferent
spirit to our
loneliness.

Open your eyes
so that you may see the
beauty
of being different.

Open your mind
so you may learn.

Your spirit
so that another
may move and
touch yours.

Know someone
different.

Love someone
different.


Melody Clark
copyright
12/27/08


As always I look forward to your input, as I always learn from it. It is wonderful to be back and writing again. I look forward to hearing from you all. Thanks again for all your thoughts being with me through my difficult times. Melody

[Maggie]

Melody,

I know quite many bipolar friends and relatives, and my heart goes out to them, but camraderie and friendship is a two-way street. Your poem sounds as if you expect others to take the first step. Unfortunately it usually doesn't work that way.

Your poem strikes me as a bit preachy and pleading. It would seem that the way to make friends would be to reach out and try to be a friend to them first instead of writing an open letter to the world to love you. How will anyone know you unless you show an interest in them first and reach out?

As for the actual mechanics of the poem, it seems fine to me.

High Regards,

Peggy

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

Peggy, thank you for your input. While I do not see my piece as pleading or preachy, it is a poem that explains how I feel as a Bipolar person. This piece was meant to reach out to those who do not understand us. I see that, that does not include you since you have friends who are BP. Thank you again for your input. It is truly appreciated.
Melody

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Melody, hi, I just am returning from a two week hiatus as my computer room was being redone. First this is a wow for you...as a poem it is very much a great improvement from your first post, a lot more descriptive and both tells me and shows me a lot more of you as a writer.

We live in this world
yet it is not yours. I think here you need to change either 'we' or 'yours' as they are not compatible to me in this sentence...if you say we you should say ours, if you use yours then it should be you..at least in my opinion.

I think you have a bit much of repetitiveness in this which can seem to make it seem a bit preachy...I think you might consolidate some... I will be back and see what others may say before going further.

Welcome back I did wonder where you had gone...

Steve

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

Hi Steve and thank you. I was very pleased and humbled by your response to this piece. I truly have been trying methods I have learned here. From you I learned to put my piece away and come back another time with fresh eyes. I will continue to learn, in the meantime I will leave it as it is for now, like you said, wait to see what others think. Thanks again Steve.

[Arnfinn]

G'day, Melody,




OPEN

Do our eyes not reflect a
tortured spirit

We live in this world >>> maybe: We live in a world
yet it is not yours. >>> maybe: that is not yours

We live so close
around you >>> maybe delete this line
yet you do not
know us.

Our eyes full of
darkness
full of loneliness.

Why must you turn a
blind eye to us
as if to say

We are not here.

We seek no pity
only tolerance
understanding.

We wish to rid you
of your blissful
ignorance. >>> maybe delete this S.


We scream at you
from our
madness.

It is a futile attempt.

You turn a deaf ear
to our cries
as if to say,

our cries do not matter.

So many of us
alone
only each other to >>> perhaps: with only each other to
hold on to.

There are those who say,
"We are here for you"
it may as well be a drop of water
on the raging fires of hell.

We are capable of love
friendships,
we desire some normalcy
in life.

Yet you turn an indifferent
spirit to our
loneliness.

Open your eyes
so that you may see the
beauty
of being different.

Open your mind
so you may learn.

Your spirit
so that another
may move and
touch yours.

Know someone
different.

Love someone
different.


I made a few changes, give or take Melody.

I hope things are looking up.

Regards,


John

[Mysty]

Hi Melody... I could see the pain behind the writing here. I agree with some of the changes that Arnfinn suggests. It would clean it up a bit to be more succinct and have more impact on the reader. Although I have lived with folks who could very well be undiagnosed bipolar... I have to admit.. those feelings of being alone in the dark... ignored... unheard.. even perfectly polar people have these times in their lives. I quite enjoyed seeing these feelings from the other perspective. Thanks for sharing.


Mysty

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

Thank you Arnfinn and Mysty. I will be working on a re-write. My computer access has been limited of late. Thus the reason for my not being able to be here as often as I would like. However, I am still writing and I am taking your suggestions to heart and I will be hard at work to improve my writing. As always I do truly appreciate all the input I get here from you all. I am also working on a project at the urging of family and friends. It is slow and difficult. I wish I could get advice from you guys here with that, however we have no forum for that. I will be back soon. Thank you again.
Melody

[Psyche]

Hi Melody!

Great to have you back! Did you post a similar poem to this one under another title? Perhaps you've been working on it, since it seems familiar to me. If so, congrats!

I agree with the others that it needs a bit of pruning for impact. I'll try to come back & make some suggestions. At the moment my 'important' crit is that your poem seems to imply that nobody understands BP. Perhaps you've been in an unfriendly environment? I'm so sorry if that's so.

I'm glad things are looking up now. And do tell me what your project is, because here at MM there are forums for just about everything. If it's a book, you can post chapters for crits, just scroll down and you'll find the forum.

Hugs, Syl***

[Peterpan]

Hello Melody

(Love your name!) Good to see you back and writing. Writing is totally therapeutic.

This poem is good! Speaks from your wounded soul.

I will be back.

Bev

[Thoth]

Dear Melody,

Quite recently, a poetry friend whose husband was bipolar explained to me all about it. I realized then that unknowing I have been married to a bipolar woman for 35 tears! All the time I thought she had changed into a heartless unpredictable bitch who simply wanted to destroy everyone close to her. Me, the kids, friends and family.

Living with a bipolar person is like a curse of the devil but once I knew what the problem was and that it is treatable, our lives changed. We now have a wonderful relationship again.

I tend to agree with Peggy in that this poem is very direct and demanding, uncompromising and selfish – characteristic behavior of a bipolar, expecting that everyone else must understand.

Perhaps you could include some lines like;

In our rage we exude hatred
and strike out at loved ones
viciously and unreasonably.
Tomorrow we will have forgotten such trivia.

In our perfection we see
the masses of humanity
as ignorant fools.


Technically, I question your reason for splitting the lines and thoughts into such short lengths. If it is done for emphasis, the effect is lost in a longish piece and simply makes reading difficult. I strongly recommend you revise the layout as well as introducing some poetic devices to prevent your poem from looking like a list of instructions.

Never tell your reader what to think or what to do, rather use metaphor and a story to subconsciously get the readers sympathy. Poetry is a mind game, the poet needs to court the reader with smoke and mirrors, flowers and sweet delicacies.

Thanks for posting and I wish you success in all you strive for.

Hugs,

Wally