Did You Judge Me Today [Revised 08 March 2009], My Second Post Options

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

Third Revision 08 March 2009


Did You Judge Me Today


I cried today
was hurting
I shutdown
Did you hold me
or only judge me?

I said the wrong thing
made bad decisions
I held a secret close
Did you talk with me
or only judge me?

Mania ruled my week
calls went unanswered
I went nowhere
Did you check on me
or only judge me?

I stumbled today
I fell today
made the wrong choices
Did you catch me
or only judge me?

I am just me.
Do you care about me
or only judge me?


© Melody Clark


I want to thank everyone who helped me on this piece. Everyone thought nothing needed to be in front of the word judge. I think it had to be to show that they had other options like talking ,calling,and holding. However they chose to only judge. So that was the only advice I did not take although I did change judge to only. I am proud of this final draft and I could not have done it without your help so i hope you approve of this final draft.
Melody



<sub>2nd Revision 24 Feb 2009

I cried today
I hurt today
I shutdown
Did you hold me
Or just judge me

I said the wrong thing
I made a bad decision
I hid a secret today
Did you talk with me
Or just judge me

I was manic this week
I answered no calls
I went nowhere
Did you check on me
Or just judge me

I stumbled today
I fell today
I made bad choices today
Did you catch me
Or just judge me

I am just me
Do you care about me
Or do you just judge me


Melody Clark

My heartfelt thanks to Steve and Vess, as I could not have made this piece what it has become without their guidance, their patient guidance. Thank you.



ORIGINAL:

I cried today
I hurt today
I shutdown today
Did you hold me
Or did you judge me

I said the wrong thing today
I made a bad decision today
I hid a secret today
Did you talk with me
Or did you judge me

I was manic this week
I answered no calls
I went nowhere
Did you check on me
Or did you judge me

I stumbled today
I fell today
I made bad choices today
Did you catch me
Or did you judge me

I am Bipolar
Do you care about me
Or do you just judge me

Melody Clark</sub>

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Melody, Just a couple of things here for you to consider, in your final line repeats which I think work well here, I think if you add the word 'just' before 'judge' it make more of an impact. I think that in the last stanza if you remove "I am bipolar" then the whole piece becomes something that could happen to anyone with someone close to them...asking do you really know how I feel and am doing or are you already prejugdicial and just going to judge me... a very powerful statement. Just my opinion, my two cents...use or lose.
Steve

[vessq]

Hi Melody,



I agree with everything Steve said.

When you put Bipolar in the last verse it takes the poem away from the rest of us who are not Bipolar, otherwise it is a gift to us all.


I would replace the (did you) with (Just judge me) all the way through. I would also drop the today in lines 1 and 2 of the second verse. The today lined up like that can stop a readers eye. I do not want anything to interfere, however briefly, with the message here. The word today is not needed anyway.

Good work. I am looking forward to more of your poetry.

Vess

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

Steve and Vess, this was my first time ever posting on a site where real writers would read and critique my pieces. I was so scared. After posting Secret Places which did not go over that well. I know I write oddly but I am honestly taking in your suggestions. I was scared to post another one. I know that sounds odd but these words I write come from such a deep place inside of me and during a time when I am not myself. So to put my words out here for you all takes courage on my part. I am so happy that you liked this one. And I am going to take your suggestions, and revise this piece. Thank you both so much.
Melody

[vessq]

Hi Melody,

I am so glad you responded. I was afraid you would not and we would lose you and your poems.

I must challenge something you said, "Secret Places," is my favorite of the two poems. If Steve and I understood what the poem was saying , the edits of the poem helped it reach a reader better. If we missed your point, our suggestions were in error.

Please do not mis-understand what we do here. We critique the poem not the writer. I am well aware that these poems are coming from a place deep inside of you. There is nothing wrong with allowing the poem to come as raw, often confused, feelings. But then it is necessary to translate those feelings ( if you desire to communicate with others) into a form that can be understood by a reader.

My poems often instruct me, not the other way around. I have often read a poem of mine and said to myself, "I did not know I felt that way."

I often think I catch poems rather than create them. Then it is necessary to translate them for readers.

We can help with the translation but the poems are beyond us. They belong to you and to you alone.

Write on. I will read and try to help.

Vess

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Melody, I am glad you have posted more, there is no need to feel scared, as Vess stated we are here to help with the poem, not to critize you. I hope you have gone back and read the second way I showed you on Secret Places, It was a fine piece, I was just trying to show you a different interpretation. I hope my PM back to helped some.
Steve

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

Steve and Vess, I am working on re-writes on both poems and trying to decide which piece I want to submit next. I truly am taking all you have both said to heart and trying to work with both of your suggestions. I hope I did not sound closed minded. Thank you both and you will hear from me again very soon. I have a very busy week but I will be working on paper when I have a chance and will bring it to you here as soon as I can. I hope I can present better formed work based on your help. Thank you both again so much.
Melody

[Cleo_Serapis]

1st revision now posted in the original topic above...

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Melody, Ok a good first revison to a point. you got rid of some unesscessary words, I still think you have too many 'today'(s) in it.
Now using the first verse:

I cried today Why did you cry? Look at it as though the reader has no knowledge of you what so ever.
I hurt today How do you hurt and where?
I shutdown Where and when? For how long?
Did you hold me Is there more that you can add?
Or just judge me

another way to say or word this...

I shut myself down today,
a darkness took over my mind.
Crying enough to soak my pillow,
depression twisting my insides.
Did you come and hold or comfort
or just judge me?

It says basicly the same thing, but with more meat on it. It's a better way to express the feelings IMHO. Have yo read any dark poetry by others, or poetry on depression, bipolarism? try finding some thru your web browser. See if they express how you feel, look at the way their poems are shaped, the rythms, how do they use puncuation, white space, are they stark, are they overflowing with despair, these are some things to help you in your expression, help make your own style. You can click on my screen name here and where it says topics click again, that should give you a listing of all my poems here, there are quite a few I have written on depression, anxiety, most from personal experience. Some are sarcastic, some are just metophoric, some are stark, see if you can understand the reason I wrote the way I did. Maybe that will help some, I know I 'm not the only one to write about the darkness, read...read...read. Use the Thesaurus for different words...I do. I don't mean to rant, just some ideas to help and I hope they do.
Steve

[vessq]

Hi Melody,

I really like this revision.

Here is where Steve and I part company. Under no circumstances would I add any thing to this poem.

The repeat of today does not bother me, in fact it adds a sort of inevitability tone to the poem and I think makes it stronger.

I do not need to know why you cried only that you did. I do not need to know why you hurt only that you do. This is not a novel it is a poem.

The only suggestion I have is to remove the (do you) from the last line and say simply or just judge me.

Good for you. Now you get to referee a good natured difference of opinion between Steve and me.

I love the revision and am glad you did it.

I am seldom depressed and then only lightly and briefly. I feel, as much as I am able to because of my lack of experience with depression, for those of you who fight this battle constantly

Vess.

[Eisa]

Hi there Melody

Well done! - your first revision is a real success!
I really like your message in this.

Now what most of us like to do, is keep nibbling at a poem, until we are satisfied. If you want to nibble a bit more, here are some suggestions.

Personally, I think a little bit of punctuation would help to emphasise some points.
You have cut down on some 'today's' - good! but perhaps cut out a few more.
I also feel, that you have used 'I' perhaps a few too many times.
Repeats can sometimes be good to emphasise - but only so much.

DID YOU JUDGE ME TODAY?
I think a question mark at the end - it is a question


I cried today
I hurt today
I shutdown
Did you hold me
Or just judge me

To cut down on today & I and punctuate, perhaps something like

Today I cried …
feeling hurt
I shutdown.
Did you hold me
or just judge me?

I said the wrong thing
I made a bad decision
I hid a secret today
Did you talk with me
Or just judge me

Just a slight change

I said the wrong thing
making a bad decision.
I hid a secret today.
Did you talk with me
or just judge me?

I was manic this week
I answered no calls
I went nowhere
Did you check on me
Or just judge me

Again just a slight change to L2, deleting I

I was manic this week
answering no calls.
and going nowhere.
Did you check on me
or just judge me?

I stumbled today
I fell today
I made bad choices today
Did you catch me
Or just judge me

Just a little reaaragement

Today, I stumbled
and fell,
making bad choices.
Did you catch me
or just judge me?

I am just me
Do you care about me
or do you just judge me

'I am just me' - what a fantastic line that could relate to each and every one of us.
I like the last line to be the same as the others.

I am just me.
Do you care about me
or just judge me?

Melody - you have made great progress here. I hope you can find something useful in my ideas - otherwise just ignore.

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Melody and Snow, Snow thank you for your input as always you say things in a way I can not. Melody, I very much like Snows suggestions, she has helped me revise a lot of my poems. I would look hard at them and consider one last revision. Steve

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

I appreciate all the input about my revision. I have decided to leave it as it is. I searched my heart and I feel it speaks what I mean to say and how I mean to say it. Thank you all for your help on this. I hope you continue to help me through this growing process.
Melody

[merle]

Hello bipolar - I have to say I am in complete disagreement about using the word 'just'. It makes me feel the judgement recieved by the person (you) is of no consequence when in fact it is huge. I think shortening the line to 'or judge me' gives it more impact. I also think it gives the one with the mental challenge a backbone, throwing the judging right back in the face of the one who can't/won't understand what it is like to live with bipolar. Anyway, only my thoughts.

[Eisa]

Hi Melody

I agree with Robin's suggestion - 'just' is unneccessary in the last line of your verses. To missit out means your message is much more direct - greater impact.

Snow

[Guest_bipolarwriter_*]

2nd revision

Did You Judge Me Today


I cried today
was hurting
I shutdown
Did you hold me
or only judge me?

I said the wrong thing
made bad decisions
I held a secret close
Did you talk with me
or only judge me?

Mania ruled my week
calls went unanswered
I went nowhere
Did you check on me
or only judge me?

I stumbled today
I fell today
made the wrong choices
Did you catch me
or only judge me?

I am just me.
Do you care about me
or only judge me?


I want to thank everyone who helped me on this piece. Everyone thought nothing needed to be in front of the word judge. I think it had to be to show that they had other options like talking ,calling,and holding. However they chose to only judge. So that was the only advice I did not take although I did change judge to only. I am proud of this final draft and I could not have done it without your help so i hope you approve of this final draft.
Melody

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Melody,

I took the liberty of merging your revised new topic posted earlier today into this original thread. I also added it in at the top to include the the latest rev. Please just add in (using the edit button in the first post) your revisions to the existing topic instead of creating new posts. This is how we prefer to see the changes the workshopping has provided to you. It gives the critiquer a glimpse of what has already been revised and helps us determine what additional feedback to offer (if any).


With regard to the newest revision, I have a couple of suggestions. The first is to italize each question within each stanza. Another idea since you didn't maintain consistency with punctuation, is to separate the question as its own stanzas throughout. You might also want to make each line its own. The first stanza would look like the following:

I cried today

was hurting

I shutdown (I would make this two words - shut down)

Did you hold me
or only judge me?


On the last stanza, I suggest a slight change to the wording to something more like this (see blue):
I am just me.
Do you care about me (I don't feel you need to say 'about me' it is assumed) You might also want to say "or seek to judge me?"
or only judge me?

I am
who I am

Do you care
or only judge me?

Cheers
~Cleo