I AM SPIDERWOMAN Options

[Sekhmet]

I Am Spiderwoman (1st revision)

Crouched, spider like, amidst a
mangled tangle of cable.
Upright as a meerkat
with paws raised before -
I tap out, entrapping the unwary words.

Story, E-mail, poem,fable?
Never knowing what might emerge.

This is my métier - a manipulator of data.
Surfing the keyboard;
storing, and en-wrapping.
Trapping!
To preserve, or purge,
my prey,
in a silken shroud
of electronic waves.

_______________________________________________________________________

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Leo, An interesting metaphor for being an internet person. Did you read Snow's "Mundane Day"? Its another view of computers. Again your use of caps distracts somewhat. I don't think you needed to use all those question marks, just commas with one ? at the end would have been ok. I learned a new word "metier" although I can't make the emphasis mark...lol. I wonder if you really need the extra description after it? Then the last sentance ther is no end stop. Just a few nits Leo. yours to use or lose. Other wise quite nice.
Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Leo - I really enjoyed this one & the way your words play well together. Just a few thoughts as I read through again.

[ ] means delete -- bold words mean add

]
I Am Spiderwoman

Crouched, spiderlike, amidst a
Mangled tangle of cable.
Upright as a merecat,
with paws raised before,

I like the similarity here of a merecat & someone sitting at their computer. I love merecats & find them very human in their mannerisms at times.

I tap out, [and] trapping [the] unwary words;

I tap out, trapping unwary words

Story? Email? Poem? Fable?

Story, Email, poem or fable?

Never knowing what might emerge.
This is my métier - a manipulator of data.

metier is new to me too - nice new word!

Surfing the keyboard,
Storing, and enwrapping,
Trapping!
To preserve, or purge,
My prey
In a silken shroud of electronic waves

I agree with Steve that the capitals at the beginning of each line are rather distracting and prefer to keep them for a new sentence. I am wondering why you only started L4 with lower case letter?

A very interesting piece. Ignore any suggestions that might not be to your taste - they are just thoughts.

It's good to read your work
Snow

[vessq]

Hello Leonora,

This is a good poem.

Starting each line with a capital does not bother me in the least, but then I wrote every poem that way for over 50 years and used line breaks for commas.

I suppose it can be argued that modern blank verse is supposed to be written in properly punctuated sentences.

I don't really care one way or the other.

But since the good folks here are so much help with poems, I always convert the poems into sentences so I don't annoy them.

I am more interested in images and the way words fit in my ear.

Your poem pleases me on both counts.

Write on,

vess

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Vessq - I feel that you and I were probably educated in the same era, although I was possibly a little ahead of you. Thank you for not only enjoying my poem, but letting me know it.
This problem with capital letters is surely a generational matter. I find a poem hard to take seriously, if each line does not commence with an upper case letter - but I would agree that, in a stream of conciousness poem, the form can be more relaxed.
For me, the great joy of Free Verse is, that one is free. Free to write exactly as one pleases, without being constrained by the accepted rules, or lack of them - unless of course one chooses to be.
Leo

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Snow - thank you so much for your suggestions - I'll try them out, because they all seem valid, and will post a revision.
I truly dislike reading poems that do not have an upper case letter at the beginning of each line. I enjoy carefully reading, and re-reading such verses , to see where the exact emphasis should lie - but that was how I was educated. I am not at all sure that I would be happy with my verses if I found them to be ugly in my own eyes.
Maybe my spiritual home is in the Structured Verse Forum, but I'll try out the various suggestions, so kindly offered - and maybe I'll be converted.
Many thanks,
Leo

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Steve - Thank you for your suggestions. You are absolutely right! I do not need to use so many question marks, and will delete most of them.

I regret that there was no full stop at the end of the final line. Sadly, I am so short sighted, that I often do not notice tiny typing errors. Anyway - I believe that those are the province of the sub-editor, not the critic.

I am afraid that you will not wean me away from starting each new line with an upper case letter. I still fight to accept what to me is prose, when I read much of the free verse I encounter in poetry books. I am having great fun, trying to move away from formal, structured verse; and possibly, I will never manage break that silken cord.
But one step at a time.

In the last section of this very short poem, the section which you felt to be unnecessary; I was attempting to draw a parallel with the spider lurking at the heart of her web - exactly as I sit at the center of my 'mangled tangle of cable' - both waiting to pounce upon, and then save for future use, the information (or pray) we have captured.
The spider wraps her captured prey in a silky spider's web, or 'shroud', and stores it away for future use. After which, she will 'purge' it - or suck it dry.
I simply click on, 'Save as', and my morsel of information is electronically gift wrapped, 'In a silken shroud of electronic waves.' and put into my pantry, for my future reference.

'Storing, and en-wrapping,
Trapping!
To preserve, or purge,
My prey
In a silken shroud of electronic waves.'

Any suggestions about how to improve that parallel would be very welcome.

Leo

[Eisa]

Good morning Snow - thank you so much for your suggestions - I'll try them out, because they all seem valid, and will post a revision.
I truly dislike reading poems that do not have an upper case letter at the beginning of each line. I enjoy carefully reading, and re-reading such verses , to see where the exact emphasis should lie - but that was how I was educated. I am not at all sure that I would be happy with my verses if I found them to be ugly in my own eyes.
Maybe my spiritual home is in the Structured Verse Forum, but I'll try out the various suggestions, so kindly offered - and maybe I'll be converted.
Many thanks,
Leo

Hi Leo

I understand how you feel and remember that what we offer here are only suggestions. It's your work to change or keep as you wish. It is very difficult to convert from how you have been taught. I thought I'd never write Free verse ... but eventually I have.
Anyway, we are here to enjoy!

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Leo, It took me a long time to get rid of the caps habit as I was probably educated the same way you were 1955 to 1968... I have finally come to feel less constrained not useing them, even when I write in ryhme. As Snow says above this is your work and we are only making suggestions, I will try not to nit your caps any more...I am glad your having fun, if you can't have fun with it, then it becomes work. Even my darker poetry was a purging myself, but it was still somewhat fun to get rid of a lot of troubled thoughts.
Steve

[Sekhmet]

Oh Steve - you are too kind! I quote:-
"I was probably educated the same way you were 1955 to 1968" ...
Steve, dear boy, I am much, much older than that! Try starting at 1943.
By 1968, I had been marrird for five years, and was the mother of two children!
You will see that I have started to drop the initial Capital in my revisions - I'll try it for a while - and see how I feel about it.
Your wonderfully descriptive phrase, " I will try not to nit your caps any more" has made me feel very itchy about the head! I shall puff flea powder in all my hats, at once!
Leo

[Eisa]

Well done Leo

When I came here I did not expect to see the caps gone! LOL! ... but I do like it much better.
I was also educated to start each line with a cap & when I started writing poetry I automatically did the same, not even realising things had changed. My damn computer still puts a cap at the beginning of each line for me, so I have to change it. LOL!

Snow

btw, we tend to leave the original poem underneath the revision, so people can see how the difference between both versions.