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Escape from Routine (Revision Three 18.06.08), FV - I NEED THOUGHTS ON FINAL REVISION |
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May 5 08, 15:33
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Mosaic Master
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I didn't get any comments on the final tweaking of this - so any thoughts?
Revision 3 [18.06.08]
Escape from Routine
Scents of seaweed candles mingle with grilling fish fingers; I drift away …
The hushed breeze brushes my face as heat haze shimmers. Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice spice the salty air.
I glance at seaside pictures pinned to my memo board.
Pasty bodies recline on boldly striped beach chairs or sand spattered towels, basted and ready to roast,
Distant boat sails tilt; people crowd the blue, bobbing, its undulating hum broken by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.
Drumming a constant rhythm, the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear.
On top a Disney bucket holds seaweed for grandma’s aching feet.
We criss-cross dunes, exploring, sand scratches between toes; shells and pebbles collected in a Mickey Mouse bucket.
Swollen feet cool, treading seaweed carpets; I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes. Soaking up the ambiance … I float back to children’s whispers, making shell pictures for grandparents, pebble paper weights are painted for friend’s Christmas presents.
I smell fish fingers - almost burning! “Tea’s ready kids.”
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Revision Two 2.06.08 Thanks Lori for the tweaks!
Escape from Routine
Scents of seaweed candles mingle with grilling fish fingers; I drift away …
The hushed breeze brushes my face as heat haze shimmers. Wafts of tasty barbecue plaice spice the salty air.
Pasty bodies recline on boldly striped beach chairs or sand spattered towels, basted and ready to roast,
Distant boat sails tilt; people crowd the blue, bobbing, its undulating hum broken by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.
Drumming a constant rhythm, the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear.
We criss-cross dunes, exploring, sand scratches between toes; shells and pebbles collected in a Mickey Mouse bucket. Swollen feet cool, treading seaweed carpets; I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes. Soaking up the ambiance … I float back to children’s whispers, making shell pictures for grandparents, pebble paper weights are painted for friend’s Christmas presents.
“Tea’s nearly ready kids.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Revision One 31.05.08
Escape from Routine
Scents of seaweed candles mingle with grilling fish fingers; I drift away …
The hushed breeze brushes my face as heat haze shimmers. Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice, spice the salty air.
Basted, ready to roast, pasty bodies recline on boldly striped beach chairs or sand spattered towels
Distant boat sails tilt; people crowd the blue, bobbing, its undulating hum broken by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk.
Drumming a constant rhythm, the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear.
We criss-cross dunes, exploring, sand scratching between toes; shells and pebbles collected in a Mickey Mouse bucket. Swollen feet cool, treading seaweed carpets; I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes. Soaking up the ambiance … I float back to children’s whispers, making shell pictures for Grandparents pebble paper weights are painted for friends Christmas presents.
“Tea’s nearly ready kids”
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I don't think I've posted this on MM before. It's had quite a bit of revision, but I'd like to see if you can suggest any improvements. Thanks!
Escape from Routine
The bay shimmers in a heat-haze; a breeze barely murmurs. Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed and wafts of fish from café grills.
Dolphin decorated towels are scattered between beach-chairs, as lotion is spread to roast virgin white bodies.
People crowd the ocean, bobbing; vivid boat sails tilt. The sea hums in undulation to children’s excited squeals that harmonize seagulls screeches.
I become a barefoot explorer, gritty sand between my toes, criss-crossing dunes, collecting shells and pebbles in a plastic bucket. As the tide gushes froth across scorching sand, I tread on sea-grass and giggle, as tiddler’s fins tickle toes. I soak in the ambiance, before the journey home.
The washer hums its constant rhythm to children’s whispers, while they make shell pictures and paint pebble paper weights for Christmas presents.
Reminiscing, I smile softly as the aroma of fish fingers cooking mingles with sea-weed candles.
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Guest_Melody Dancer_*
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May 6 08, 20:25
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Guest
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Escape from Routine
The bay shimmers in a heat-haze; a breeze barely murmurs. what about "the breeze barely murmurs" Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed and wafts of fish from café grills.
Dolphin decorated towels are scattered between beach-chairs, as lotion is spread to roast virgin white bodies.
People crowd the ocean, bobbing; vivid boat sails tilt. The sea hums in undulation to children’s excited squeals that harmonize "with"? seagulls screeches.
I become a barefoot explorer, gritty sand between my toes, criss-crossing dunes, collecting shells and pebbles in a plastic bucket. As the tide gushes froth not sure about gushes... across scorching sand, I tread on sea-grass and giggle, as tiddler’s fins tickle toes. I soak in the ambiance, before the journey home.
The washer hums its constant rhythm to children’s whispers, while they make shell pictures and paint pebble paper weights for Christmas presents.
Reminiscing, I smile softly as the aroma of fish fingers cooking mingles with sea-weed candles.
Great imagery, you had me smelling the seaweed and fish'n'chips...
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May 8 08, 17:45
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Mosaic Master
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Hi melody - you've mentioned some good points here - I'll come back tomorrow & think about them.
Thanks Eira
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Guest_Xanadu_*
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May 9 08, 10:18
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Guest
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Nice job Eisa. I would love to see you condense the scene somewhat. I got a little confused toward the end when I realized this was a memory. That was not clear at the outset of the poem. Perhaps you might consider flashbacks throughout, possibly even some dialog?
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May 11 08, 19:00
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Linda - thanks for your comments as they've really got me thinking!QUOTE (Xanadu @ May 9 08, 16:18 ) [snapback]108024[/snapback] Nice job Eisa. I would love to see you condense the scene somewhat. Yes, I am condensing a lot of my older poemsI got a little confused toward the end when I realized this was a memory. When I wrote this, it was not so much a memory, but the ending was ... sort of next day (can you understand?) I have always felt the ending was not too clear though and feel I need to work on this. I'm wondering if perhaps the ending could go at the beginning. That was not clear at the outset of the poem. Perhaps you might consider flashbacks throughout, possibly even some dialog? Flashbacks is an idea I'll consider - I have a lot to think about - thanks! Snow
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May 19 08, 12:29
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Hi, I hope you don't mind:
there is only one minor thing I would change in the poem:
I become a barefoot explorer, gritty sand between my toes, criss-crossing dunes, collecting shells and pebbles in a [plastic] bucket. < I would use some other descriptor, perhaps toy... something to connect the bucket to the children.
Mmm the beach it is about time for me to take a trip to the beach. Your poem has had an effect.
Sergio
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May 21 08, 19:05
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (saore @ May 19 08, 18:29 ) [snapback]108319[/snapback] Hi, I hope you don't mind:
there is only one minor thing I would change in the poem:
I become a barefoot explorer, gritty sand between my toes, criss-crossing dunes, collecting shells and pebbles in a [plastic] bucket. < I would use some other descriptor, perhaps toy... something to connect the bucket to the children.
Mmm the beach it is about time for me to take a trip to the beach. Your poem has had an effect.
Sergio Hi Sergio Thank you for your suggestion. Yes, I've never been too keen on 'plastic bucket' either - I'll think of an alternative. Snow
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May 22 08, 05:34
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Mosaic Master
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HI Snow, Nope, I don't believe this one has ever been posted before here. YOu've got fantastic imagery here - do you have an image you'd like to add as well? Just popping in to say "hello" and let you know I'll be back within the next few days. Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 23 08, 18:03
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Lori - this one started off as R&M but evolved into FV (It's usually the other way round with me! LOL!) I don't have an image - other than the one in my head! I look forward to hearing your suggestions - I'm not sure which way to take this at the moment. I rather like Linda's ideas & will perhaps start off with the ending. This is simmering on the back burner at the moment until I decide (I'm working on another oldie that I don't think I've posted here before - watch this space LOL!) Snow
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May 25 08, 17:55
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Hi Snow, I don't remember this either, but then again, I recently read several of my own that I don't recall! LOL - There is some very strong images and I do like Linda's suggestion on beginning with the final stanza. You've created some amazing points of pleasing sounds that enhance the message and imagery. I especially like the coupling of 'heat-haze' that was like butter off my tongue. Some further thoughts and comments to follow. I will surely keep my eye on this one... Hugs, Liz QUOTE Escape from Routine Love the title. QUOTE The bay shimmers in a heat-haze; a breeze barely murmurs. Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed and wafts of fish from café grills. L2, I felt that the word 'murmurs' could be enhanced with a substitute. Perhaps - something that gives a 'whisper' feeling. L3, perhaps Air tinged with aromas of seaweed. Or perhaps adding a stronger detail like 'salty' - or perhaps brisk or is this spring, summer - this might be nice point to add a little scenery L4, omit 'and' before wafts Would look like - The bay shimmers in a heat-haze; as a breeze barely whispers. Salty air is tinged with aromas of seaweed wafts of fish from cafe' grills. QUOTE Dolphin decorated towels are scattered between beach-chairs, as lotion is spread to roast virgin white bodies. The image of dolphin decorated towels feels a little tellish for me or perhaps feels forced for alliterative sake. Perhaps something like sand strewn decorated towels are scattered. Perhaps something that adds motion to the imagery... Sand strewn towels, dolphin decorated scattered about beach-chairs, baring virgin white bodies bathed in lotion and ready to roast. This of course is nothing as good as you might come up with but hopefully it isn't too silly that it doesn't make sense. Old age is creeping in on me! LOL QUOTE People crowd the ocean, bobbing; vivid boat sails tilt. The sea hums in undulation to children’s excited squeals that harmonize seagulls screeches. I would suggest to place after 'ocean' to view People crowd the ocean to view a bobbing; vivid boat sails tilt. The sea strums an undulated hum in harmony of children's excited squeals - accompanied by seagulls screeches. QUOTE I become a barefoot explorer, gritty sand between my toes, criss-crossing dunes, collecting shells and pebbles in a plastic bucket. Perhaps bringing 'collecting' to end L3 I have nothing else to offer this is a lovely, straight forward and full moving stanza. QUOTE As the tide gushes froth across scorching sand, I tread on sea-grass and giggle, as tiddler’s fins tickle toes. I soak in the ambiance, before the journey home. I like the way the images of the scene come into play as the narrator steps into view. Nicely done. The only small suggestion I might make is ... I tread on sea-grass, giggle as tiddler's fins tickle my toes and soak in the ambiance before the journey home. QUOTE The washer hums its constant rhythm to children’s whispers, while they make shell pictures and paint pebble paper weights for Christmas presents.
Reminiscing, I smile softly as the aroma of fish fingers cooking mingles with sea-weed candles. Awwww ... what an awesome twist for the reader... LOVE IT!
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May 28 08, 19:59
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Snow, You've painted a wonderful scene of a day at the beach, with all the sensory teasers that go with this memory imprint. I have enjoyed the journey, your ecapre from routine is mine now too (yay), and feel that you might be able to further pull the reader in by telling us less and showing us more. You have used alot of 'the's and I'd like to see you add more action words or descriptions to compliment the nouns, e.g. sultry sea, balmy bay, flirty fish etc. so that we read into them as though they were also characters playing their part in this scene. I look forward to your thoughts. As always, take or toss my suggestions as you wish. Enjoyed, ~Cleo The bay shimmers in a heat-haze; a breeze barely murmurs. Air is tinged with aromas of seaweed and wafts of fish from café grills. Nice opening. Can you elaborate on the bay – its color or location, perhaps deleting ‘The’ and replacing it with a different descriptor for this ‘bay’ e.g. balmy bay. What kind of breeze – can you make it ‘come to life’ further? I wonder if you might consider swapping the ‘smells’ a bit more mysteriously for the reader? Something like: Seaweed flirts with fish (or a specific kind), spicing the café grill.Dolphin decorated towels are scattered between beach-chairs, as lotion is spread to roast virgin white bodies. Can you swap the ‘are scattered between’ to make the scene come to life more? Perhaps something like: Lotion-smeared virgin whities baste between flirting beach chairs and dolphin decked towels. People crowd the ocean, bobbing; (perhaps ‘the blue’ instead of saying ‘the ocean’?)vivid boat sails tilt. The sea hums in undulation (can you elaborate on this sea? Is it sultry?)to children’s excited squeals that harmonize seagulls screeches. add apostrophe to seagullsI become a barefoot explorer, gritty sand between my toes, criss-crossing dunes, collecting shells and pebbles in a plastic bucket. As the tide gushes froth across scorching sand, (is it scorching or scorched?)I tread on sea-grass and giggle, (sea-grass lifts me, we giggle as alternate)as tiddler’s fins tickle toes. I soak in the ambiance, (I soak up this ambiance – no comma)before the journey home. The washer hums its constant rhythm (can you rephrase this, again, replace ‘the’?)to children’s whispers, while they make shell pictures and paint pebble paper weights for Christmas presents. Reminiscing, I smile softly as the aroma of fish fingers {cooking} [on the grill] mingles with sea-weed [scented] candles. (If you revise any of the previous lines that I alluded to with aroma and seaweed, perhaps you could repeat those phrases again here at the end to tie the two together further?) Another way to say this might be as follows:
I smile softly as the aromas of fish fingers grilling, mingle with seaweed scented candles that carry me back to those sultry seas.
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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May 31 08, 18:10
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Liz - I may have posted this in 911, but it was written in R&M in those days and came under a different title - I don't remember what! LOL! It is so good to have your suggestions - they've got my muse going again, as this was on the back burner and I couldn't get into it somehow. I have revised and written it in quite a different way - let me know what you think! Hugs Snow
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May 31 08, 18:14
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Lori Thank you for your inspiring suggestions which helped me get this one off the back burner. I've written a revision in a different way to the original. Let me know what you think. Hugs Snow
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Jun 1 08, 17:25
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Snow. In a word: WOW! What a great revision! You've really put me in the scene with you even more than the original! I really think the change to your opening signals that feeling of reminiscence much more clearly now, yay! Let's see if there's anything further to nibble on... Scents of seaweed candles mingle with grilling fish fingers; I drift away …Much better way to set the scene for us!The hushed breeze brushes my face (suggest moving bolded words down to their own line)as heat haze shimmers. Wafts of tasty barbecuing plaice, (suggest a change to 'barbeque', no comma needed also)spice the salty air. YUM!!It would look like this: The hushed breeze brushes my face as heat haze shimmers. Wafts of tasty barbeque plaice spice the salty air.Basted, ready to roast, pasty bodies recline on boldly striped beach chairs or sand spattered towels (add endstop here)Another alternate would be as follows; Pasty bodies recline on boldly striped beach chairs or sand spattered towels, basted and ready to roast.Distant boat sails tilt; people crowd the blue, bobbing, its undulating hum broken by seagull’s chuckling uk uk uk. Very nice! Like 'the blue' and the seagull's chants,adds movement and sound!Drumming a constant rhythm, the washer tumbles dolphin decked towels with blue and red-spotted swimwear. Suggest moving towels up a line.We criss-cross dunes, exploring, sand scratching between toes; (suggest change to 'scratches')shells and pebbles collected in a Mickey Mouse bucket. Swollen feet cool, treading seaweed carpets; I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes. Soaking up the ambiance … I float back to children’s whispers,Suggest a slight change to line layout as follows; Swollen feet cool, treading seaweed carpets; I giggle as tiddler’s fins tickle my toes. Soaking up the ambiance … I float back to children’s whispers,making shell pictures for Grandparents (Don't think you need to capitalize here? Add a comma)pebble paper weights are painted for friends Christmas presents. (Add apostrophe to friend's)
“Tea’s nearly ready kids” Great ending! Just add the endstop after kids.
Luv it Snow! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 2 08, 17:30
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Lori - I am so pleased you like the changes - and your suggestions are great - I'm off to change them now! Hugs Snow
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Jun 2 08, 18:31
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OH MAN Snow Do I love the way you've revised this. The drawing of the narrator's reminiscing into the present moment is done with skill. I also liked how the new beginning is so active now, catching the reader with a sense of life in motion. The new descriptions are done well too - I will take a little more time to compare the drafts and come back with some further feedback. Looking forward to seeing this finalized, you've already done an applaudable job getting it to talk the talk ... Hugs, Liz
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Jun 3 08, 03:34
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Mosaic Master
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O wow Liz!! - Thank you! I look forward to any feedback you can give. Hugs Snow
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Jun 4 08, 19:33
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Mosaic Master
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FANTASTIC Snow! Luv it! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Xanadu_*
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Jun 5 08, 10:26
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Guest
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This is looking better and better. Still a little loose though. Perhaps an occasional (one or two) reminds you of phrase to connect the past with the present? The last line seems to come on a little too strong. I understand it is used to break the reverie. However, I would love to see the amber tea and hear the ice crack beneath of warm fresh brew.
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Jun 18 08, 17:24
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE (Xanadu @ Jun 5 08, 16:26 ) [snapback]108673[/snapback] This is looking better and better. Still a little loose though. Perhaps an occasional (one or two) reminds you of phrase to connect the past with the present? The last line seems to come on a little too strong. I understand it is used to break the reverie. However, I would love to see the amber tea and hear the ice crack beneath of warm fresh brew. Hi Linda ... ... yes I did wonder about some more reminiscences, but found it difficult not to overdo it. I have included some more in revision 3. By the way - the tea I mention at the end wasn't a 'cup of tea' but the children's meal of fish fingers. (bringing the poem back to the beginning) I have changed the ending slightly, hoping it gives a bit more action. let me know what you think. Thanks for your thought provoking ideas. Snow
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