reflections, haiku (was in Seren's) Options

[Guest_Kathy_*]

haiku don't have titles, but we use the first line to identify them when there are many.

Revision#1

reflections --
a water-walkers' little feet
bend the world

Original

reflections --
water-walkers' little feet
bend the world

************

alone
on the seesaw --
the surviving twin


tanka

the touch
of autumn moonlight
cools my skin
the way it did the night
you disappeared into it

.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Kathy,

I am normally not from the Haiku Club. Although, there has been a few that I've read and it captured my mind in a whirl of thoughts and imagining's that it gave me a moment of desire to read up on them. However, most of the time I don't get them and/or the params ,as there are so many differences in what most say.

However these give me my own visuals and storys and found them quite enjoyable.

as in ...

reflections --
water-walkers' little feet
bend the world

The image of birds, dainty, perhaps sparrows stepping in puddles, the sun breaking the sky after the rain, reflecting their image into the ripples of rain water-and how it bends the image back at us...

then in ...

alone
on the seesaw --
the surviving twin

This left impressions of our many selves.

While ...

tanka

the touch
of autumn moonlight
cools my skin
the way it did the night
you disappeared into it

this made me cry. The beauty of this ending Tanka is intense with emotion and sadness, emphasizing the loneness of Haiku II. The image, the feel of an Autumn evening breeze coupled by the ending lines are quite profound in the fullness of losing someone surrounded by the quietude the first 3 lines create in the readers mind.

I've no nits or suggestions for improvement. I do however applaud the final stanza/tanka... quite powerful.

Would it be ok to nominate this for IBPC? ...


Hugs, Liz
.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Liz, I don't think a tanka would have a snowball's chance in the oven at the IBPC. It's a poor tanka anyway, because the middle line is supposed to pivot, and this one doesn't. But thanks for the thought.

haiku has more 'rules' than any other kind of poem. You'll notice I didn't say 'form,' because it isn't. It is the feeling of haiku that makes it, and again, I am no great guns at it, despite trying for years.

There's been a huge misunderstanding about what haiku is, ever since we Westerners misunderstood the relationship between Japanese onji and English syllables. They are NOT the same. In addition, one Japanese symbol is a 'season word' and one is a 'cutting' word, roughly equivalent to a punctuation mark indicating a pause. : : , -- ! Current opinion is that haiku should be 17 syllables or less. Twelve is said by many to be closer to the Japanese and more likely to capture the haiku spirit.

My poems:

The 'waterwalkers' are insects, otherwise called 'boatmen.' They have teeny floats on the ends of their feet, so the reflections are bent.

Haiku should draw the reader into the poem, starting a moving picture related to their own experience. The reader therefore finishes the poem him/herself. Just as you did. Clever girl!

The lone twin on the seesaw is about me, and others who have suffered the loss of someone who balances their world. A seesaw just doesn't work with one. But interpretation is open to the reader, so yours is valid.

Thanks so much for commenting here.

I can provide links if anyone is interested in learning true haiku and related Japanese poetry. And Lary knows a lot more than me! Jax writes it too.

K

[Guest_Kathy_*]

http://www.hsa-haiku.org/HSA_Definitions_2004.html

http://www.haikuhut.com/Haiku%20Definition.htm

[laryalee]

Hey Kathy, I love these!
I also feel that our type of haiku is more
appropriate in free verse rather than in the
"fixed form" section.
(I'm working on an article for the study area.)

I love these three...your tanka is so poignant.

And your water-walkers are adorable...I've
seen this happen. I had a thought...did you try it
singular? The reason is that with "bend the world"
I see only one. (But there are still many reflections)

reflections --
a water-walker's little feet
bend the world

And your seasaw is a beaut...brings a sigh...

Good show, gal!



Lary

[Eisa]

Kathy -- these are beautiful. I love haiku, but feel my knowledge is sparse. Your explanations to Liz was really interesting. I'm glad to see Lary here too. I last interacted with her on the haiku forum of BlueLine and her comments were always so helpful.

haiku don't have titles, but we use the first line to identify them when there are many.


reflections --
water-walkers' little feet
bend the world

Yes -- I know these as boatmen -- love the term water-wakers though. Wonderful image here

alone
on the seesaw --
the surviving twin

So thought provoking! -- I reccently saw a documentary about twins. I was fascinating -- they even play in the womb. This haiku made me think of that.

tanka

the touch
of autumn moonlight
cools my skin
the way it did the night
you disappeared into it

Very poignant. Never tried a tanka -- yet!

Your work is a pleasure to read Kathy

Hugs Snow

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I hoped you'd pop in to comment, Lary. Yes, haiku belong here, I think.

You're working on an article for our study area! Great. I'm looking forward to that.

Yor idea for the waterwalkers is good. I'll post a revision. Thanks.

I love these three...your tanka is so poignant.

Lary

Thank you dear Lary. Will we see some of yours soon?

Hugs, Kathy.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Kathy.

Sorry, haven't time to read this one yet, but it actually should be posted in Herme's Homilies - where all fixed forms go (which we define as a poetic forms with specific parameters that must be followed).

Would you like me to move this thread over there?

Lori

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Ah, but haiku isn't a fixed form. It isn't a form at all really. Its something much more elusive than that.

It's the capture of a moment in the spaces between words, it's a feeling, it's an instant of insight, it's indefinable...

And so much more.

[laryalee]

Kathy, I just had a thought...
what if we label our haiku here
"free form haiku", which is what it's called.
This would also differentiate it from the
fixed form haiku, which some still like to
adhere to.

I'll ask Lori about it...


Lary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Good idea, Lary! I''ll change mine.

Though actually, I thought 'freeform haiku' was without a kigo. At least it is in the kukai. Well even the kigo ones are not in the English syllabic version. I'm confused.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi ladies.

I can give you all the scoop on the rules in a PM if you like, but for now, whenever ANY poem follows a specific parameter, whether in meter, rhythm or rhyme, our forum rules stipulate it should be posted in Herme's Homilies (even if the poem is 'inspired by a fixed form' but not entirely adhered to as well). This poem is inspired by haiku, therefore, it should go to Herme's with a notaion as such so the other form experts will know that you purposely did not follow all the params per spec.

I'll be back in a bit, I'm running around at present just back from a 3 day vacation away and off the the oncologist's later for a quarterly visit....

Ta for now
Lori

[AMETHYST]

Liz, I don't think a tanka would have a snowball's chance in the oven at the IBPC. It's a poor tanka anyway, because the middle line is supposed to pivot, and this one doesn't. But thanks for the thought.

Good Morning, Kathy!
I am sorry I am not more familiar with either the Tanka or the Haiku. To me, both are extremely challenging. However, each reader will read a poem and regardless of intent, they will get their own feeling from a poem. The story that stirred in my mind and connected one into the next was intriguing. I suppose I will have to reread them again giving more focus on the information you've left for me. I am grateful for the links and the response. :)

There's been a huge misunderstanding about what haiku is, ever since we Westerners misunderstood the relationship between Japanese onji and English syllables. They are NOT the same. In addition, one Japanese symbol is a 'season word' and one is a 'cutting' word, roughly equivalent to a punctuation mark indicating a pause. : : , -- ! Current opinion is that haiku should be 17 syllables or less. Twelve is said by many to be closer to the Japanese and more likely to capture the haiku spirit.

This is quite interesting to read. I have tried to read up on Haiku, I think I have even tried a couple. yes, actually I did and I think Lary helped me on it. My memory is not as good as it once was, but I wish I could remember where I put that one... hmmmm...

My poems:

The 'waterwalkers' are insects, otherwise called 'boatmen.' They have teeny floats on the ends of their feet, so the reflections are bent.

Again, I need to reread it, I envisioned a fragile bird. However, I will enjoy learning more about waterwalkers as they sound interesting.

Haiku should draw the reader into the poem, starting a moving picture related to their own experience. The reader therefore finishes the poem him/herself. Just as you did. Clever girl!

More likely clever work on the poet's part.

The lone twin on the seesaw is about me, and others who have suffered the loss of someone who balances their world. A seesaw just doesn't work with one. But interpretation is open to the reader, so yours is valid.

Yes. When I read it as an individual poem, it came to me immediately as someone who grieves from losing their other half, their soul mate if you will and then on second read, I put it together, in someway, bouncing one image of the first Haiku, into the next, finding a link in some way. No, a seesaw doesn't work with one person, and sometimes a seesaw doesn't work with mismatched someones. I found the image and over all concept stirring.

Thanks so much for commenting here.

I can provide links if anyone is interested in learning true haiku and related Japanese poetry. And Lary knows a lot more than me! Jax writes it too.

K

I hope to learn enough that I might be able to review them in the future, I don't think I will ever be a Haiku or Tanka participant, they fill my head with too many thoughts and I'm not sure if that is good or bad! LOL

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Girls,

I also agree that these belong in Herme's - however before reading Lori's response (this tells you how old I am getting) I assumed "I" was reading it in Herme's LOL ...

Ok ... I'm a dork.

Hugs all, Liz ...

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi all.

I'm moving this poem that is 'inspired by the form haiku' into Herme's. Ladies, I've sent a PM too just now with furhter details.

Best regards all.
Lori

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Lori, it isn't inspired by haiku. It is haiku.