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> Clay, Verse Concrete
Sekhmet
post Sep 17 10, 11:11
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Clay

A dark, dank,

brackish, fungal smell of

river banks; and dying things

drifting deep; and sleeping in the

restlessly slow undertow. Rotating

down and around, into the ever flowing

river's vastness. Slowing at last to rest.

Forming a bed of dead, red-brown clay,

so silently - awaiting the potter's hand

to take, initiate and fatefully shape it.

Create in his charcoal furnace, what?

A thoroughly ingenious, curvaceous,

and graceful; sublimely wasteful,

giant terracotta pot.



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Eisa
post Sep 19 10, 08:27
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QUOTE (Sekhmet @ Sep 17 10, 17:11 ) *
Clay

A dark, dank,

brackish, fungal smell of

river banks; and dying things

drifting deep; and sleeping in the

restlessly slow undertow. Rotating

down and around, into the ever flowing

river's vastness. Slowing at last to rest.

Forming a bed of dead, red-brown clay,

so silently - awaiting the potter's hand

to take, initiate and fatefully shape it.

Create in his charcoal furnace, what?

A thoroughly ingenious, curvaceous,

and graceful; sublimely wasteful,

giant terracotta pot.



Hi Leo

It is good to read your work again.

My initial thought was to make some line ending changes ... but then I realised that your poem is shaped like the pot you write about - am I right? If so, line changes will not be an option,

The only other thing I noticed, was the abundance of semi-colons, and I wondered if they were all necessary?

I'm a bit rushed at present - I'll come back and this this a closer look later.

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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AMETHYST
post Sep 19 10, 23:27
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Hiya Leo,

It's been so long and it is wonderfully refreshing to see your poetry again! At first I too, like Snow, was going to make suggestions based on line breaks and realized this forms the subject. So perhaps, some minor additions and substitutions can keep the form full and yet, readjust lines so that they don't end on weak points in the lines.

I will be mulling over the formation and words, then return with hopefully something that might be a help.

However, I applaud the movement of the poem, the word choices that celebrate the subject from its birth at the river banks and the finished product - which is wonderfully seen in the form inwhich your poem takes on, as the river bank earth takes creates the loveliness of a clay vase. Beautifully and profoundly done!

Hugs, Liz





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Sekhmet
post Sep 21 10, 04:45
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Hello there Snow & Liz - Thank you both for reading and commenting on my attempt at free verse.
I really have little understanding of how Free verse works, so all suggestions are very welcome.
Without going into boring detail, I have found it impossible to write for several months - any creative thoughts packed their bags and went on holiday - nothing came to mind at all.
The Clay poem arrived when I forced myself to sit at the computer, and write something - anything!
Line changes and endings can always become an option - they just need a little juggling with typeface. This poem started off as one of those huge, pot-bellied, round, Arabian oil jars - but the typeface in which it was written would not transfer to MM. I had to fiddle around with different typefaces to get this rather strange elongated pot.
Thanks for looking in,
Hugs, Leo


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AMETHYST
post Sep 21 10, 04:54
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Hi Leo,

Glad to see you. I too have been poetically empty for going on almost 2 years now, with perhaps a couple of not so great poems that had dripped out of me while I was wringing my muse like an old wash rag. A long with some health issues, I've been out for the count. It is only the last couple of week I've even attempted to wet my feet in the critique/poetry pools again.

I just posted a picture thread in Karnak as a prompt to stir some inspiration. If you'd like to give it a look at, and if you come across with a poem just post it there and of course the critique forums are always willing to see more poetry! :)

I will take a longer look at "Clay" and come back with ideas for line breaks, however you've painted a lovely, lovely picture of your subject.

Hugs, Liz


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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Sep 21 10, 14:25
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Hi Leo

Writer's Block seems to be affecting a lot of us - I certainly don't write nearly as much as I used to. (Thank goddness for oldies to revise)

On coming back to this, you have some lovely descriptive words. Without giving any specific places, I think you should look at your semi colons and 'and's as I feel there are too many of both. Also you have a number or words ending in 'ing' - a few too many.

dying
drifting
sleeping
rotating
flowing
slowing
forming
awating

That's possibly the best place to start revision - I'll come back later when I can point to some specific lines to work on.

Snow Snowflake.gif

ps Don't forget your statutory 2 critiques. Seren's is a little slow at present so we need all the comments we can get.
Thanks!




·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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