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> Clay, Verse Concrete
Sekhmet
post Sep 17 10, 11:11
Post #1


Greek
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all



Clay

A dark, dank,

brackish, fungal smell of

river banks; and dying things

drifting deep; and sleeping in the

restlessly slow undertow. Rotating

down and around, into the ever flowing

river's vastness. Slowing at last to rest.

Forming a bed of dead, red-brown clay,

so silently - awaiting the potter's hand

to take, initiate and fatefully shape it.

Create in his charcoal furnace, what?

A thoroughly ingenious, curvaceous,

and graceful; sublimely wasteful,

giant terracotta pot.



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Eisa
post Sep 21 10, 14:25
Post #2


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Leo

Writer's Block seems to be affecting a lot of us - I certainly don't write nearly as much as I used to. (Thank goddness for oldies to revise)

On coming back to this, you have some lovely descriptive words. Without giving any specific places, I think you should look at your semi colons and 'and's as I feel there are too many of both. Also you have a number or words ending in 'ing' - a few too many.

dying
drifting
sleeping
rotating
flowing
slowing
forming
awating

That's possibly the best place to start revision - I'll come back later when I can point to some specific lines to work on.

Snow Snowflake.gif

ps Don't forget your statutory 2 critiques. Seren's is a little slow at present so we need all the comments we can get.
Thanks!




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