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> Clay, Verse Concrete
post Sep 17 10, 11:11
Post #1


Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all


A dark, dank,

brackish, fungal smell of

river banks; and dying things

drifting deep; and sleeping in the

restlessly slow undertow. Rotating

down and around, into the ever flowing

river's vastness. Slowing at last to rest.

Forming a bed of dead, red-brown clay,

so silently - awaiting the potter's hand

to take, initiate and fatefully shape it.

Create in his charcoal furnace, what?

A thoroughly ingenious, curvaceous,

and graceful; sublimely wasteful,

giant terracotta pot.


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post Sep 21 10, 14:25
Post #2

Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori

Hi Leo

Writer's Block seems to be affecting a lot of us - I certainly don't write nearly as much as I used to. (Thank goddness for oldies to revise)

On coming back to this, you have some lovely descriptive words. Without giving any specific places, I think you should look at your semi colons and 'and's as I feel there are too many of both. Also you have a number or words ending in 'ing' - a few too many.


That's possibly the best place to start revision - I'll come back later when I can point to some specific lines to work on.

Snow Snowflake.gif

ps Don't forget your statutory 2 critiques. Seren's is a little slow at present so we need all the comments we can get.


Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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