Clay, Verse Concrete Options

[Sekhmet]

Clay

A dark, dank,

brackish, fungal smell of

river banks; and dying things

drifting deep; and sleeping in the

restlessly slow undertow. Rotating

down and around, into the ever flowing

river's vastness. Slowing at last to rest.

Forming a bed of dead, red-brown clay,

so silently - awaiting the potter's hand

to take, initiate and fatefully shape it.

Create in his charcoal furnace, what?

A thoroughly ingenious, curvaceous,

and graceful; sublimely wasteful,

giant terracotta pot.

[Eisa]

Hi Leo

Writer's Block seems to be affecting a lot of us - I certainly don't write nearly as much as I used to. (Thank goddness for oldies to revise)

On coming back to this, you have some lovely descriptive words. Without giving any specific places, I think you should look at your semi colons and 'and's as I feel there are too many of both. Also you have a number or words ending in 'ing' - a few too many.

dying
drifting
sleeping
rotating
flowing
slowing
forming
awating

That's possibly the best place to start revision - I'll come back later when I can point to some specific lines to work on.

Snow

ps Don't forget your statutory 2 critiques. Seren's is a little slow at present so we need all the comments we can get.
Thanks!