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Summer's Day - Tanka [revised 10 Sep], Tanka, Nothing like a tanka of ale on a hot day. |
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Sep 5 08, 05:03
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
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From: Australia
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Real Name: John
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Revision 10/09/2008 Thank you, Lori SUMMERS DAY A leisurely walk in the garden; florescence- radiant colour. The swirling breeze from the East, full of zeal, kisses blossoms. My favourite word 'of yours' is blossoms. REVISION 10/09/2008 SUMMERS DAY A leisurely walk in the garden; floral scents- radiant colour. The swirling breeze from the East, full of zeal, kisses flowers. John A spillover, from the free verse forum. Where nobody understood. Okay... Pull this one to pieces. SUMMERS DAY Strolls through the garden, insects, flowers, sweet perfumes. Did you hear that? What!The swirling breeze from the East, grabbing flowers and sniffing.JOHN
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Sep 5 08, 10:02
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
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From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Gotcha, Arnie the Finn!
This is quite another matter! I have to go out now, but at first glance it's lovely and obeys the rules. Congrats! (I'll hold off the nunnery for a while...).
5-7-5-7-7- ....
Having said that, I invite all kind folks to view Arnie pulling our leg over in FV. Better said, it's my neck that's been pulled, it's still stuck leftways, and my eyes are boggling. I declare we've been subjected to verbal...er, poetic abuse! Will sue....LOL.... (hope he hasn't removed it, that would be cowardly, plus I need the evidence).
Have a Tanka of ale, everybody! Cheers, Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Sep 8 08, 14:03
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
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From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
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John, I am not familiar with the form that you used, however, I find this to have a very appealing theme that is wrapped up in a tight, "there it is" kind of presentation.
The breezes always seem to come from the West and they are usually the ones that add a nurturing touch; here the Eastern breezes have a little more zeal to them and they are not always as soothing.
JLY
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Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Sep 9 08, 04:42
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
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From: Australia
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Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Ahh, Com'on Sylv. Don't be like that You know what they say, ( have you ever wondered who they really are) if ya not understood, try again! He, he... John
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Sep 9 08, 04:51
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
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From: Australia
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Real Name: John
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Hi, John, Hope your going OK? yEAH. Well, John... The breeze from the West... Considering, I LIVE on the East coast. Is HOT. hMMM... The breeze, would not only bee sniffing. Maybe, it may be flame-thower-ing. Thanks I'll change. All the best in health, John
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Sep 9 08, 05:52
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
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From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi mate, A clever switch from fv to tanka! I haven't seen a tanka in a long while and enjoyed the read. I challenge you now to take each word and see if there's another one that might fit your message too ( a fun exercise) within the params if you dare to try. The two gerunds in L5 might be better visioned as 'caresses blooms and inhales'. Strolls through the garden, - Perhaps a sub for 'strolls' and 'garden' or a switch to 'Through the garden strolls'.insects, flowers, sweet perfumes. Did you hear that? What! - Maybe italicize this line?The swirling breeze from the East, grabbing flowers and sniffing. Enjoyed the read John - I'll have to write a few of these too - thanks for the inspiration! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 9 08, 06:12
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
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From: Australia
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Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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How are things, Lori. Pheeew... I've just had Sylvia on me back, mate. Now your setting me tasks. You are correct about the Italianattics. I'll have to change that. I've been thinking about progressions. Sorta, in this forum. Or a new Forum. Start with Haiku, ( or short form, couplet ) then progress to a Tanka, then a Limerick, then If it can be done, branch out into other forms, even a sonnet. All from an original posting of one poem Can't remember any other poetry sites doing anything like this. If one was smart, they could go through most of the poetry forms. How is Liz? Regards, John.
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Sep 9 08, 11:09
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
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From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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You could always do a link to the other forms of the same 'poem' too when you post them as a new form each time? I had toyed with the idea a few times and I think Snow has too. Take a free verse, convert it to a form, then try other forms too and see how it goes. You could post a thread in Karnak too as a challenge of sorts for people to reply to there as well. Haven't heard from Liz since July 30th - getting concerned (she usually phones me) - but not a peep since then. I'll try and give her a ring after work. ~Lori
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 10 08, 02:27
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Creative Chieftain
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Real Name: John
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Hello, Lori, I've just posted a revised version of my A jOHN
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Sep 10 08, 05:44
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
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From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hey mate, Much improved! Now I can see color and scent more clearly! A leisurely walk in the garden; floral scents- radiant colour. The swirling breeze from the East, full of zeal, kisses flowers. My onliest nit that remains is this: - you use floral scents and then flowers - is there another word to sub for either, perhaps nature's scents OR florescence in place of floral scents OR kisses blossoms (for alliteration to breeze)? It would look like this: A leisurely walk in the garden; florescence- radiant colour. The swirling breeze from the East, full of zeal, kisses blossoms. Enjoying this one! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 10 08, 05:47
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
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From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Another option would be to make mother nature the dominant factor here and change The swirling breeze to "Her", so you'd have:
A leisurely walk in the garden; nature's scents- radiant colour. Her swirling breeze from the East, full of zeal, kisses blossoms.
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 10 08, 06:01
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
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From: Australia
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Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Whoooooooooooee, Lori, Hmmm... Gotta get this RIGHT. A leisurely walk in the garden; floral scents- radiant colour. The swirling breeze from the East, full of zeal, kisses flowers. My onliest nit that remains is this: - you use floral scents and then flowers - is there another word to sub for either, perhaps nature's scents OR florescence in place of floral scents OR kisses blossoms (for alliteration to breeze)? It would look like this: A leisurely walk in the garden; florescence- <<< lOOKED up 'florescence' , Very good choice, Lori. means 'flowering.' radiant colour. The swirling breeze from the East, full of zeal, kisses blossoms. <<< Hmm... Another, good choice of words. Hey, BIG, improvement. I'll repost.......................................................................... ..Yep. Now I've got to spend tomorrow trying to improve??? John
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Sep 10 08, 10:17
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hey John - I posted a second suggestion too just above your reply - did ya see it?
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Sep 11 08, 03:01
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
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From: Australia
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Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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Nah?
Yours was: 10.47 Mine was : 11.01?
Flora, was the Goddess of flowers?
Why Change and indefinite word to a gender word?
Dunno about that.
The line is singular. Why not convert to 'plural' breezes?
(something) swirling breezes from the East full of zeal, do I use plural or singular (kisses or kiss) if kiss, no good, have to change 'zeal'.
John
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