|
kisses stolen -- revision 2, Wizard Award ~ Haiku |
|
|
|
May 26 07, 18:54
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
Revision 3 28/05/07 stolen kisses -- under pink blossoms limbs entwine ******************************* I've decided to go with this for a revision -- but not sure all the same! kisses -- limbs unfold as white blossoms **************** Here's an oldie from Herme's kisses stolen under cherry tree – love blossoms
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 26 07, 22:51
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
|
Hi Snow, what a lovely moment! Such a pretty image, and a delightful play on "blossoms" as verb/noun. The only thing I'd suggest is an article for line 2...to follow our natural way of speaking. Now, whether it's "under a cherry tree" or "under the cherry tree" makes a slight difference, and that's what you would need to decide.... Was this a specific cherry tree, or just one among many? You might like to try "stolen kisses" in line 1... it changes the impact a little and removes a verb -- not necessarily better, but just to play with... stolen kisses under the cherry tree -- love blossoms Some poets like using verbs, and others enjoy verbless haiku. Here's an article by Ferris Gilli: http://www.worldhaikureview.org/1-3/whcsch...lesshaiku.shtmlLary
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 07, 07:07
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi SNow. I also think that switching the words around in L1 to 'stolen kisses' might give more options for L2. I am thinking of something that Lary mentioned in my thread - try not to 'tell' too much to let the reader's mind wander a bit. Keepign that in mind, I'm thinking 'under the cherry tree' could be left open a bit more if you described it without saying what it is. Cherry blossoms - are they pink or white? Maybe you could infuse color here to describe the tree and pink as a 'blush' reaction'? Something like: stolen kisses illuminate (enliven, imbue, fresco) pink -- love blossoms Am I way off? Enjoyed! ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 07, 18:00
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (laryalee @ May 27 07, 04:51 ) Hi Snow, what a lovely moment! Such a pretty image, and a delightful play on "blossoms" as verb/noun. The only thing I'd suggest is an article for line 2...to follow our natural way of speaking. Now, whether it's "under a cherry tree" or "under the cherry tree" makes a slight difference, and that's what you would need to decide.... Was this a specific cherry tree, or just one among many? You might like to try "stolen kisses" in line 1... it changes the impact a little and removes a verb -- not necessarily better, but just to play with... stolen kisses under the cherry tree -- love blossoms Some poets like using verbs, and others enjoy verbless haiku. Here's an article by Ferris Gilli: http://www.worldhaikureview.org/1-3/whcsch...lesshaiku.shtmlLary Thank you so much Lary. I had to smile when I read your comment about changing 'kisses stolen' to 'stolen kisses' as that's what I had originaly -- really don't know why I changed it! Thanks also for the link to article by Ferris Gilli which was very interesting. I can see I have a lot to learn. Writing 3 short lines needs a lot of knowledge -- more than a longer poem as I suppose you're getting down to the bones and must decide on what's important. I think I'll enjoy this forum very much.! Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 07, 18:04
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ May 27 07, 13:07 ) Hi SNow. I also think that switching the words around in L1 to 'stolen kisses' might give more options for L2. I am thinking of something that Lary mentioned in my thread - try not to 'tell' too much to let the reader's mind wander a bit. Keepign that in mind, I'm thinking 'under the cherry tree' could be left open a bit more if you described it without saying what it is. Cherry blossoms - are they pink or white? Maybe you could infuse color here to describe the tree and pink as a 'blush' reaction'? Something like: stolen kisses illuminate (enliven, imbue, fresco) pink -- love blossoms Am I way off? Enjoyed! ~Cleo No, I don't think you are way off there Lori. In any poetry, hinting at something is sometimes more intersting than being direct. How about ~ stolen kisses intensifying pink -- love blossoms Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 07, 18:56
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
That's very pretty too Snow! Glad you liked where I was going with me old noggin..... of course another option is not to use 'pink' too - and use 'blush' instead for multi-meaning of the color and the emotion?
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 07, 19:08
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ May 28 07, 00:56 ) That's very pretty too Snow! Glad you liked where I was going with me old noggin..... of course another option is not to use 'pink' too - and use 'blush' instead for multi-meaning of the color and the emotion? Just pressed somthing and deleted my reply -- shows it's my bedtime (past 1am here) I have been giving this some more thought and had been wondering if I could bring 'flush' into L2, which is near to 'blush'. We must be on the same wave lenghth. LOL! I think I'd better leave this until tomorrow as my mind is seizing up. I'm tired! Good night Lori Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 27 07, 21:54
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
|
I'll just toss one more thought in... for me, the cherry tree shows, without telling ...the blush of love, the white of innocence... they're pink or white, so either would work. And since cherry blossoms are a well-known Japanese kigo, this haiku has everything! (Kigo is another topic, lol!) Lary
|
|
|
|
Guest_Kathy_*
|
May 28 07, 00:22
|
Guest
|
kisses stolen under the cherry tree love blossoms
Nice, Snow. :) (I added 'the' as suggested above.)
Adding a colour sounds like a good idea, but it might crowd it a bit. Unless you want to take 'love' out and put the shade of your choice in. That would imply the associated quality, ie love or innocence.
'stolen' may not be necessary. ??
K
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 04:47
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (laryalee @ May 28 07, 03:54 ) I'll just toss one more thought in... for me, the cherry tree shows, without telling ...the blush of love, the white of innocence... they're pink or white, so either would work. And since cherry blossoms are a well-known Japanese kigo, this haiku has everything! (Kigo is another topic, lol!) Lary I was thinking of pink blossom to show their blushing -- but white for innocence is another angle I'd not thought of -- I like that one!. Kigo -- I have such a lot to learn. LOL! Thanks Lary, you've given me something else to think on. Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 04:52
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Kathy @ May 28 07, 06:22 ) kisses stolen under the cherry tree love blossoms
Nice, Snow. :) (I added 'the' as suggested above.)
Adding a colour sounds like a good idea, but it might crowd it a bit. Unless you want to take 'love' out and put the shade of your choice in. That would imply the associated quality, ie love or innocence.
'stolen' may not be necessary. ??
K Good ideas Kathy! Taking this to the bones -- stolen is probably unnecessary. Good thinking! Mmmm.... that is a thought, changing love to a colour -- got me thinking! Thanks Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 04:55
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
How about a change ~
kisses – limbs unfold as white blossoms
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 10:10
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Tee hee Snow. My mind is in the gutter with 'limbs unfold'. I would imagine 'blushing' as pink more than white, but then again, white is 'innocence' in my mind. Instead of stolen kisses, is there another image you can portray about the 'kisses'? ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
Guest_Kathy_*
|
May 28 07, 17:28
|
Guest
|
kisses limbs unfold as white blossoms Hahahahahaha!! You are having fun! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Fun always leads to creativity, for me. Now, the idea is great. But. (Here's the but) No not that butt! 'unfold' gets in the way for me. I see arms and legs unfold like folded paper, and the tree limbs zoing out like a telescope. But that could be 'just me.' kisses limbs unfold as white blossoms What about 'entwine' instead of 'unfold.' Both lovers and branches can do that. But not as blossoms. You'll have to rewrite it, and will need to be careful to make a fragment and a phrase, instead of a 'shopping list' of unconnected images. Like this: kisses limbs entwine white blossoms So, let's see if I can do anything with it, and then let you try. We have to make a phrase that runs over two lines, juxtaposed with a fragment. Just adding 'with' will give a fragment/phrase: kisses limbs entwine with white blossoms Or kisses limbs entwine beneath white blossoms or kisses beneath white blossoms limbs entwine Your turn.
|
|
|
|
Guest_Cathy_*
|
May 28 07, 17:37
|
Guest
|
Hi Snow,
I'm not good at Haiku's at all but I'm jumping in with both feet! LOL If it should be more descriptive than telling what about...
a taste of kisses 'neath blushing maraschinos... love blossoms
Here you would have the blush from the pink blossoms and the blush from the kiss and yet no direct mention of a tree. 'Twould give the reader something to think on.
OR
a hint of kiss under shades of blushing bings... love blossoms
And here you would still have the blush of pink blossoms and the blush from a kiss and 'shades' could be just a hint of the tree... 'bings' hinting at cherries of course. Like I said I'm no good with Haiku but I thought I'd take a chance! LOL
Lovely thought BTW~
Cathy
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 19:01
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ May 28 07, 16:10 ) Tee hee Snow. My mind is in the gutter with 'limbs unfold'. ROFL!! Oh Lori! I see what you mean!I would imagine 'blushing' as pink more than white, but then again, white is 'innocence' in my mind. I was trying a different angle ... Lary said white blossoms could portray innocence, and I thought I'd go with that this time round.Instead of stolen kisses, is there another image you can portray about the 'kisses'? Well Kathy asked if stolen was necessary -- and on thinking it over 'kisses' on it's own shows everything needed (I think)~Cleo I think I shall have to get rid of those unfurling limbs LOL! Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 19:15
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Kathy @ May 28 07, 23:28 ) kisses limbs unfold as white blossoms Hahahahahaha!! You are having fun! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! Fun always leads to creativity, for me. I am having fun -- and I've already sent Lori hurtling into the gutter! LOL!!Now, the idea is great. But. (Here's the but) No not that butt! 'unfold' gets in the way for me. I see arms and legs unfold like folded paper, and the tree limbs zoing out like a telescope. But that could be 'just me.' kisses limbs unfold as white blossoms What about 'entwine' instead of 'unfold.' Both lovers and branches can do that. But not as blossoms. You'll have to rewrite it, and will need to be careful to make a fragment and a phrase, instead of a 'shopping list' of unconnected images. Like this: I must say 'unfold' was not the word I was looking for -- just near. 'Entwine' is just right! I kept thinking 'embrace' and just couldn't get my mind around it. Yes, entwine is perfect for my intent.kisses limbs entwine white blossoms So, let's see if I can do anything with it, and then let you try. We have to make a phrase that runs over two lines, juxtaposed with a fragment. Just adding 'with' will give a fragment/phrase: kisses limbs entwine with white blossoms Or kisses limbs entwine beneath white blossoms Mmmm.... I think BENEATH white blossoms fits my original thoughts of being under the cherry tree.or kisses beneath white blossoms limbs entwine Your turn. Thanks Kathy
Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 19:25
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (Cathy @ May 28 07, 23:37 ) Hi Snow,
Hi Cathy -- it's good to see you here
I'm not good at Haiku's at all but I'm jumping in with both feet! LOL If it should be more descriptive than telling what about...
I think jumping in with both feet is the only way to learn. i wrote a few last year, but my mind's seized up since then. LOL!
I think although you should show rather than tell -- it should still be concise.
a taste of kisses 'neath blushing maraschinos... love blossoms
Lovely thought -- I think to keep concise though,'kisses' might be enough.
Here you would have the blush from the pink blossoms and the blush from the kiss and yet no direct mention of a tree. 'Twould give the reader something to think on.
OR
a hint of kiss under shades of blushing bings... love blossoms
And here you would still have the blush of pink blossoms and the blush from a kiss and 'shades' could be just a hint of the tree... 'bings' hinting at cherries of course. Like I said I'm no good with Haiku but I thought I'd take a chance! LOL
You are giving me lots to think about here Cathy. i think I'll still need to do more revisions until I get it right.
Lovely thought BTW~
Cathy Thanks Cathy
Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
May 28 07, 23:30
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 103
Joined: 18-April 07
From: British Columbia, Canada
Member No.: 421
Real Name: laryalee fraser
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Kathy Earsman
|
kisses -- under pink blossoms limbs entwine Snow, I really like this version... the limbs can belong either to people or to the tree itself...this double meaning is appreciated in haiku! Lary P.S. I forgot, I was going to give you a link to cherry blossom haiku...an annual festival in my province of British Columbia! http://www.vancouvercherryblossomfestival.com/vcbf/haiku2007I think this is a neat way to see how different poets write about one topic. And I had forgotten that someone wrote about a "stolen kiss"...this should prove to you that your haiku thoughts are good ones!
|
|
|
|
|
May 29 07, 04:39
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
QUOTE (laryalee @ May 29 07, 05:30 ) kisses -- under pink blossoms limbs entwine Snow, I really like this version... the limbs can belong either to people or to the tree itself...this double meaning is appreciated in haiku! Lary P.S. I forgot, I was going to give you a link to cherry blossom haiku...an annual festival in my province of British Columbia! http://www.vancouvercherryblossomfestival.com/vcbf/haiku2007I think this is a neat way to see how different poets write about one topic. And I had forgotten that someone wrote about a "stolen kiss"...this should prove to you that your haiku thoughts are good ones! Thanks Lary -- I feel I've made progress (with a lot of help from my friends) What a wonderful link -- I've had a quick look but will come back again later. Amazing thoughts on one topic -- and I love the 'stolen kiss' one. Talking of 'stolen kiss' -- I missed out stolen in revision. I'm not sure whether I should have left it in ???? I really am enjoying this forum very much! Snow
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|