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> Midnight Sun [revised May 20], Wizard Award
Cleo_Serapis
post May 8 07, 05:45
Post #21


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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Hi Brenda.

Nice adjustments once again - the little tweaks can really make all the difference, don't they? hsdance.gif

Thanks for commenting on my Oriental Lily - I took that one last summer from one of our flower beds on the far side of our house. Your photo inspired me to make it my avatar. cheer.gif What a LOVELY photo of blue - what is the flower? You're very good with the camera! cyclops.gif

Now that you've made one more revision - I do like the changes to the end more. COOL! I've one new mention to make here:

Ripples on water, reflecting stars.

fae skimming water.


Since 'water' is mentioned so closely (and a third just after the 'fae' line), how about changing one of them to another word, like:

Ripples on sapphire (or cobalt), gleaming stars. (since reflect is also used more than once).

fae skimming water.


BBS (be back soon)
~Cleo Read.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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bbnixon
post May 8 07, 13:25
Post #22


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



Hi John,


Perhaps...Brenda is familiar....I used to think it rather uncommon, but lately I keep bumping into my own name.

I have been trying to place if we know each other from another board...if we do, you will have to help me out...because I have been going crazy trying to place the "where" so far I know 4 Johns on other boards..none of which match the same basic profiles as yours....it has been driving me insane all morning ....I have historically posted on Splash, and Poets (mostly threads) and PenShells.

QUOTE (Arnfinn @ May 8 07, 05:35 ) [snapback]95687[/snapback]
Hi brenda,

Hmm... a familiar name.


Reading your poem I imagine North of Alaska... Waaay up ^.

So, the scene-is-set

You found me out...I lived in Alaska from 1969-1975... my Dad lives in Anchorage now, he retired there. I take my daughter most summers...this summer we are planning to go back to the place in this poem...it is near near Fairbanks where I grew up...I am quite excited...

Midnight Sun (version 3-tweaked on 5-07-07)

Sometimes, Brenda, I'm severe, I hope you don't mind.

Shafts of pure light >>> Delete 'pure'. Pure in a poetry context is a definition of water. 'Shafts of light pour down into white' is like an explosion. The adjective 'pure' is not needed, it is excessive and detracts and meets my eye like a before-thought.
pour down into white.

Take Tennyson's. 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade.'

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

What a great start to verse poetry.

Note, the charge, full of action; except for one other feature: 'the valley'. No wasted adjectives here.


I am in love with the absence
of color. <<< A great line (singlet) very good pinkpanther.gif except for 'I'm in love' maybe more imagination, Brenda. One thing you've got to keep in the back of your mind is one day you will become famous, you want your poem to reach it's pinnacle 'I am in love' may let you down

Thanks for the Tennysons...and the poetry 101, as I never know for sure what words are considered poetic symbols other than a few of the more obvious ones...Is there a book? This makes me laugh....I can not imagine that someday I will be famous...but I like the removal of "pure" , I have to think about the "I am in love", a more imagitive one doesn't bubble up yet...but I am still pondering..

The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us. <<< Now, this is good. This is pure Brenda, this is original. Everything you've said grips the reader as poetry.

We howl. <<< Ha, an infinity, good, very good, gal. Another cross on the wall for the sake poetry.


Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.<<< Whooee, good mind imagery here for me Brenda.
My hand traces its glow,
<<< Why singular? 'My hands traces the glow,'

a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.<<< THIS POINT in your poem is beautiful. this is the best part I've read , so far. 'a cup of moon spills through my fingers; ripples on water, reflecting stars.' A Disney Land graphic. A cartoon at it's best.


May stick with hand singular, as i think of kneeling by a lake with one hand in the water...except I use cup of moon, and generally hands cupped as in plural...will think....too Disney? wasn't what I was going for..just how it was in my memory..
fae skimming water.


This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and <<< 'baptised'.
covered by a blanket of stars. <<< the use of 'stars' again might be overdone. 'baptised in lucent waters and covered by a blanket of crystal.'

Will think on this...the stars...I love stars...I miss the stars of my youth...nights so clear the stars so thick..I live in a large city now...and we are within a light dome..meaning we can't see the stars...so on a good night I might can only see 15 stars...will fix the spelling and am thinking on lucent....I am a little partial to crystal...as in Alaska the streams are rock bottomed, and in still water you can see your toes!! Here in Texas we have mud bottom lakes...
perhaps
crystal water and twinkling blanket of light.


One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests. <<< Mate, this is very good. This is a statement full of emotion, exhilaration and realisation of life.

Breaking all the rules


Top of 'the range' poem Brenda.




Regards,


John



Thank you very much kind words and for the detailed crit.. I for one prefer honest critiques. Never worry about severe...my goal is to write the best that I can .

I will be posting a revision of this one again in a day or two...I want to let the comments settle.

Hope you have a wonderful day...

:) brenda


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bbnixon
post May 8 07, 13:31
Post #23


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



Hi Lori,

I love the Lily. I have some white ones. The daisy my favorite flower, this daisy in particular I planted in memory of a loved one, it has bloomed 3 summers, always red.

I am thinking on yours and John suggestons...am going to let them settle a day or two. I generally hate to revise...but I think I am close to done and I want to let it all sit for a day or two....and look at it with a fresh eye...

The flower is an iris...I think I may be able to put another picture here for you...this one the entire flower, I was trying to catch the wind blowing the flower in the other photo..

Hope your day is good

:) brenda
Attached File(s)
Attached File  irisedit.jpg ( 491.15K ) Number of downloads: 1
 


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Arnfinn
post May 14 07, 06:18
Post #24


Creative Chieftain
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Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry



Hi John,


Perhaps...Brenda is familiar....I used to think it rather uncommon, but lately I keep bumping into my own name.

I have been trying to place if we know each other from another board...if we do, you will have to help me out...because I have been going crazy trying to place the "where" so far I know 4 Johns on other boards..none of which match the same basic profiles as yours....it has been driving me insane all morning ....I have historically posted on Splash, and Poets (mostly threads) and PenShells.


No, Brenda I don't think so... TCP poetry site, had a Brenda, a poet whom I interacted with, Today's Woman has a Brenda, and so on.

An unusual name, Brenda, unusual yes, but for some reason Brenda's seem to pop up in the wake of my navigation though the rough and tumble of life and poetry. Perhaps, I should dedicate a poem to Brenda? Maybe, write a poem about the good ship Brenda? When I was drafted into National Service many years ago I trained in the use of a machine carbine built in Czechoslovakia called a 'Bren Gun' that was so accurate that, the gun, would put five hundred rounds a minute through the same hole, so to compensate they ( the government armoury had to make the gun inaccurate). Then in my youth, (hmm... my bald head, had curly ringlets then) I was romantically involved a with a Brenda. So, I'm well assured, that some time, somewhere... there won't be a candid camera, but assuredly, a Brenda.


RRRETRO***


*Hi brenda,

Hmm... a familiar name.


Reading your poem I imagine North of Alaska... Waaay up ^.

So, the scene-is-set

You found me out...I lived in Alaska from 1969-1975... my Dad lives in Anchorage now, he retired there. I take my daughter most summers...this summer we are planning to go back to the place in this poem...it is near near Fairbanks where I grew up...I am quite excited...

Midnight Sun (version 3-tweaked on 5-07-07)


Wonderful Brenda. I knew your poem was a documentary. I find first hand knowledge is an incentive to bring out the best in us all.



Sometimes, Brenda, I'm severe, I hope you don't mind.

Shafts of pure light >>> Delete 'pure'. Pure in a poetry context is a definition of water. 'Shafts of light pour down into white' is like an explosion. The adjective 'pure' is not needed, it is excessive and detracts and meets my eye like a before-thought.
pour down into white.

Take Tennyson's. 'The Charge Of The Light Brigade.'

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

What a great start to verse poetry.

Note, the charge, full of action; except for one other feature: 'the valley'. No wasted adjectives here.


I am in love with the absence
of color. <<< A great line (singlet) very good pinkpanther.gif except for 'I'm in love' maybe more imagination, Brenda. One thing you've got to keep in the back of your mind is one day you will become famous, you want your poem to reach it's pinnacle 'I am in love' may let you down

Thanks for the Tennysons...and the poetry 101, as I never know for sure what words are considered poetic symbols other than a few of the more obvious ones...Is there a book? This makes me laugh....I can not imagine that someday I will be famous...but I like the removal of "pure" , I have to think about the "I am in love", a more imagitive one doesn't bubble up yet...but I am still pondering..


Hmmm.... We'll see what eventuates.


The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us. <<< Now, this is good. This is pure Brenda, this is original. Everything you've said grips the reader as poetry.

We howl. <<< Ha, an infinity, good, very good, gal. Another cross on the wall for the sake poetry.


Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.<<< Whooee, good mind imagery here for me Brenda.
My hand traces its glow,<<< Why singular? 'My hands traces the glow,'

a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.<<< THIS POINT in your poem is beautiful. this is the best part I've read , so far. 'a cup of moon spills through my fingers; ripples on water, reflecting stars.' A Disney Land graphic. A cartoon at it's best.


May stick with hand singular, as i think of kneeling by a lake with one hand in the water...except I use cup of moon, and generally hands cupped as in plural...will think....too Disney? wasn't what I was going for..just how it was in my memory..
fae skimming water.


This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and <<< 'baptised'.
covered by a blanket of stars. <<< the use of 'stars' again might be overdone. 'baptised in lucent waters and covered by a blanket of crystal.'

Will think on this...the stars...I love stars...I miss the stars of my youth...nights so clear the stars so thick..I live in a large city now...and we are within a light dome..meaning we can't see the stars...so on a good night I might can only see 15 stars...will fix the spelling and am thinking on lucent....I am a little partial to crystal...as in Alaska the streams are rock bottomed, and in still water you can see your toes!! Here in Texas we have mud bottom lakes...
perhaps
crystal water and twinkling blanket of light.



I know where I'd like to be.


One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests. <<< Mate, this is very good. This is a statement full of emotion, exhilaration and realisation of life.

Breaking all the rules



I'm waiting for the revision.

Regards,


John


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Arnfinn

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Judi
post May 14 07, 07:04
Post #25


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Group: Bronze Member
Posts: 544
Joined: 3-May 07
From: Central Florida
Member No.: 427
Real Name: Judith Labriola
Writer of: Poetry



QUOTE (bbnixon @ Mar 22 07, 17:43 ) [snapback]93312[/snapback]
Hi All,

Here is one perhaps more traditional than my last, would love everyones honest opinion.

:) brenda

Midnight Sun (version 3-tweaked on 5-07-07)


[
Shafts of pure light
pour down into white.
I am in love with the absence
of color.
The silver wolf and I
feel the pull of the
moon calling us.


We howl.


Its ripe face chases us
from darkness into the lake
where ashen bark reflects
cool, still waters.
My hand traces its glow,
a cup of moon spills through my fingers;
Ripples on water, reflecting stars.


fae skimming water.


This is my magic place-
where at the age ten and one
I answered the call of the moon;
an affair whispered in mountain winds,
baptized in crystal waters and
covered by a blanket of stars.


One summer solstice
I became the watcher of a world
with many suns. Orange and violet
dance across the horizon.
The sun never rests.

Breaking all the rules


Midnight Sun (version 2)-thanks Merlin-I still need some help with the "the" in S3.

I am in love with the absence
of color.
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
I feel the moons pull.
I and the silver wolf

howl.

The full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in the still cool water.
My hand traces the moon,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples of water,
reflecting stars

fae skimming water.


This is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon
the mountains, the water and
the stars.

On the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop a camper.
A world with many suns,
orange and violet dance
across the horizon.
Watching the sun never set.

Breaking all the rules


Midnight Sun

I am in love with the absence
of color
pure shafts of light
pouring down into the white
I feel the pull of the full moon
I and the silver wolf
howl

the full moon follows us,
over the darkness
into the lake
surrounded by paper white bark
reflections in the still cool water
my hand traces the moon
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers
ripples in the water
reflection of stars
fae skimming water

this is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one
I became one with the moon
the mountains,
the water and the stars

on the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop the camper
across the lake,
a world with many suns
orange and violet
watching the sun never set

breaking all the rules


Hi Beebe,
I only saw a few things I thought would make it a little better, but let me first say that your writing is wonderful. I went to your "Poem a day" in your blog and thoroughly enjoyed each and every poem there.

Here are those few thoughts I had about this poem

I am in love with the absence
of color.
Shafts of pure light
pouring down into the white.
I feel the moons pull.
I and the silver wolf

howl.

The full moon follows us
from darkness into the lake.
Paper white bark reflects
in {the} still cool water.
My hand traces the moon,
a cup of moon spilling through my fingers.
Ripples of water,
reflecting stars

fae skimming water.

This is my magic place
where it all began
at the age of ten and one.
I became one with the moon
{the} mountains, {the} water and
the stars.

(Maybe a slight change here)

On the summers solstice
in this magic place
I laid atop a camper
and saw a world with
many suns, orange
and violet dance across
the horizon.
I watched the sun never set

As I said, the changes are minute, but these did catch my eye. Hope to read a lot more or your poetry! Judi


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bbnixon
post May 17 07, 17:21
Post #26


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409
Real Name: Brenda Nixon Cook
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Sampo



Hi John,

Thanks for stopping back by..and for letting me know I was not crazy, yes I believe before I started participating in poetry forums, I had only met 2 other Brendas, and lately I am tripping on my own name....and for the encouragement...

I am stuck on the Im in Love with...line...

Te end of year things that come along with 13 year old girls are keeping Mom busy...I am a girl scout leader and we have had a a banquet and a mom and daughter lock in, and my daughter has had band concerts, symphonic band tryouts, extra band practices, off season volleyball, and semester finals, I have been brushing up on my Algebra I lately and lastly...my daughters true love, softball has started in the middle of all of this end of year madness..so my revisions have to wait,

QUOTE
I'm waiting for the revision.



perhaps this weekend. I have some revisions for tattoo also, I have been pondering. I am hopeing to play catch up, I would love if you stop by next week and see if I came up with something more imaginative...

hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda


Judi,

Thank you for the comments and the kind words, both are much appreciated. I am glad you enjoyed my blog, mostly raw feeds, eventually I pick out the better ones and try to develop them.

Hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda


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Cleo_Serapis
post Jun 3 07, 12:08
Post #27


Mosaic Master
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Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Congrats Brenda on your (first) wizard award winning tile! claps.gif

Well done! margarita.gif Balloons.gif

~Cleo magicwink1.png


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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