Topics for Teens- Hours, Mixed foot tetrameter Options

[jgdittier]

Listen, my children and you shall her
why one to twelve on the clock will appear.
You might think of ten or perhaps twenty-four,
a dozen seems strange as a base to keep score.

The first clue is this, there's both daytime and night,
a time for the sun and for stars to be bright
and so ev'ry day into halves would be split
and that split preferred twelve over ten, I submit.

You see, twelve is divided by digits galore;
whereas ten is but split by two and no more.
So dividing the day into equal length shifts Change to "So to section ..." thanks Amethyst
is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.

Final Version
Listen my children and you shall hear
why one to twelve on the clock will appear.
You might think of ten or perhaps twenty-four,
a dozen seems strange as a source to keep score.

The first clue is this, there's both daylight and night,
a time for the sun and for stars to be bright.
So now ev'ry day into halves would be split,
and that split preferred twelve over ten, I submit.

You see, twelve is divided by digets galore;
whereas ten is split by two and no more.*
So dividing the day into equal length shifts
is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.
*2&5

[AMETHYST]

Oh Ron,

Wonderful! This has such a happy rhythm, bouncy and seems to keep time with the subject. I've printed this out and will be back with an acceptable critique, but for now I wanted to say, HEY, and thanks for the enjoyable read.

Best Wishes, Liz

[jgdittier]

Oh Ron,

Wonderful! This has such a happy rhythm, bouncy and seems to keep time with the subject. I've printed this out and will be back with an acceptable critique, but for now I wanted to say, HEY, and thanks for the enjoyable read.

Best Wishes, Liz

Dear Liz,
I've written many "Lessons for Kids", all in this style. Your response gives me hope that
there is some interest in the loose light verse I use in writing them.
I hope you'll share your best thoughts, but please keep in mind, they are intended to inform kids and make adults smile. I don't write pure poetry.
You said it's bouncy, keeping time with the topic, and you'll have trouble pleasing me more.
Cheers,


Ron jgd

[Merlin]

I think you should all go metric and have a 10-hour day. That way a person would only have to work some 3 hours or so, set aside 3 hours for sleeping, 3 for recreation, and the last one would be totally free time, to be spent as desired.

Then guys like NDG wouldn't lament about not enuff hours - there'd be plenty for everyone.

Merlin

[Eisa]

Ron -- I absolutely love this. I'll be back with some proper comments when I've more time, but had to let you know this has my 'thumbs up'

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Oh Ron,

Wonderful! This has such a happy rhythm, bouncy and seems to keep time with the subject. I've printed this out and will be back with an acceptable critique, but for now I wanted to say, HEY, and thanks for the enjoyable read.

Best Wishes, Liz

Dear Liz,
I've written many "Lessons for Kids", all in this style. Your response gives me hope that
there is some interest in the loose light verse I use in writing them.
I hope you'll share your best thoughts, but please keep in mind, they are intended to inform kids and make adults smile. I don't write pure poetry.
You said it's bouncy, keeping time with the topic, and you'll have trouble pleasing me more.
Cheers,


Ron jgd

No need to worry Ron, I often read your work and I am one of those very few that enjoy the lighthearted, jestful tone and bouncy, alternating meter. Mostly because you have a very strong handle on meter and variations with meter--which always compliment your work. So you don't often leave me with much to nit pick at anyway... But I will make some word choice offers and please, use what you think might benefit the poem, while anything that isnt what you're looking for is easily tossed!

Will be back with more... Hugs, Liz

[jgdittier]

Dear Liz,
Ah, yes! You do know just how to please me and you already have.
Having concentrated on beat and the effort to bring your smile, I admit, my ditties can use some polishing and I'm quick to accept changes so long as I must'n't skip a heartbeat in doing so. This is also why I don't post often in this room as I'm driven to focus on the meter and meter just isn't all that important in modern poetry.
In anticipation...
Cheers, ron

[AMETHYST]

Hi Ron,

Sorry about the delay in getting back. I've been working on too many things at one time! Anyway ... I understand about certain choices to maintain a specific rhythm and my suggestion, was merely regarding the repeat of divided/dividing in S4. And of course, when anyone suggests something it is only for your consideration and nothing more, no one ever expects the poet to make changes that are not in line with their intent! :) At least I don't! LOL

I was thinking S3 L3, perhaps dispensing (which also partners in rhyme with 'so/shifts') and still keeps the beats in the right places. There are a few other words too that fit the meaning/rhyme and keeps the beat, there's always allotting!


I have enjoyed this poem and always welcome more of your words, they always have a strong message weaved into a jestful, light-hearted rhyme and what better than to learn through a smile.

Best Wishes, Liz

You see, twelve is divided by digits galore;
whereas ten is but split by two and no more.
So dividing the day into equal length shifts
is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.

[jgdittier]

Hi Ron,

Sorry about the delay in getting back. I've been working on too many things at one time! Anyway ... I understand about certain choices to maintain a specific rhythm and my suggestion, was merely regarding the repeat of divided/dividing in S4. And of course, when anyone suggests something it is only for your consideration and nothing more, no one ever expects the poet to make changes that are not in line with their intent! :) At least I don't! LOL

I was thinking S3 L3, perhaps dispensing (which also partners in rhyme with 'so/shifts') and still keeps the beats in the right places. There are a few other words too that fit the meaning/rhyme and keeps the beat, there's always allotting!


I have enjoyed this poem and always welcome more of your words, they always have a strong message weaved into a jestful, light-hearted rhyme and what better than to learn through a smile.

Best Wishes, Liz

You see, twelve is divided by digits galore;
whereas ten is but split by two and no more.
So dividing the day into equal length shifts
is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.

Dear Liz,
Thank you, thank you!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Ron.

This has a great rhythm and rhyme scheme going and a learning lesson to boot!

I really enjoyed this look at how our day is measured!

I have just a few notes I jotted down for you to ponder below as you wish.
Cheers
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

Listen, my children and you shall hear
why one to twelve on the clock will appear.
You might think of ten or perhaps twenty-four,
a dozen seems strange as a {base} [source] to keep score. (for alliteration to ‘score’)

The first clue is this, there's both {daytime} [daylight] and night, (for inner rhyme to night and also so as not a duplicate to ‘time’ in next line)
a time for the sun and for stars to be bright
and so ev'ry day into halves would be split
and that {split} [part] preferred twelve over ten, I submit. (for alliteration to ‘preferred’ and not to duplicate ‘split’ from previous line)

You see, twelve is divided by digits galore;
whereas ten is but split by two and no more.
So dividing the day into equal length shifts
is the reason for thinking it's one of twelve's gifts.
(NICE ENDING)

[AMETHYST]

Best to you! Liz :)