Beauty [revised 07 Mar 2010] Options

[hellfire]

What is beauty,
if not
a sweet-scented
symphony of souls,
a collage
of our true desires,
deafening cries
that invade,
mesmerize
our senses,
the true measure
of life,
of love.

What is beauty,
if not
the entrance,
to heaven
itself….

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

James, I like the words and the statement, i think this one would work better with a Cap on both 'For's and an end stop after 'love', other than that It is very nice indeed.

Steve

[Eisa]

Hi James

I like this, although I found the short lines a bit distracting to the smoothness of the piece.
A suggestion for rearangement of lines (take or toss)

[for] what is beauty,
if not a sweet-scented
symphony of souls,
a collage
of our true desires,
deafening cries
that invade,
mesmerize our senses,
the true measure
of life ... of love

[for] what is beauty
if not the entrance,
to heaven
itself….


I hope something helps

Snow

[Guest_dflore_*]

i really like what you're saying i just think it could be said in a fresher way and i found the old school phrasing in the beginning to not feel genuine

[Thoth]

Hi James,

Makes me want to pack now and be there!

I liked the sentiment of this piece and enjoyed the classic sounding voice. As dflore says, difficult on this subject to come up with something fresh. The presentation was a little disturbing but since it is short was acceptable.

Cheers,

Wally

[hellfire]

Thank you all for the comments and suggestions.I have made some changes.Hope it is an improvement.

Regards

Hellfire

[Peterpan]

Hello James~

Welcome to MM. Pleased to meet you.

It is not often that we can successfully write about Beauty. You just have!


'a sweet-scented
symphony of souls,'

wonderful sounding fragrance...

Your poem also allows one's own interpretation of heaven. Interesting.

Keep writing!

Bev

[hellfire]

hi bev

thank you for the comments and support

much appreciated

regards

hellfire

[Eisa]

Nice revision James

It is usual to leave your original poem underneath your revision - that way people can see how the revision differs from the original and how it's improved.

Snow

[Guest_mojave_*]

H---

sweet reverie.

still, you know every little boy when he sees a white suit---wants to throw a little mud.

too sweet?

no, just too familiar. i wanted either a killer image or a surprise making this a touch more modern---

'"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all/Ye know on earth, and all ye need ...

Keats...etc...


the iconic statement, yes?


updated here:


Brautigan ----"Polish It like a Piece of Silver,"

collected in ... "Propelled by Portals Whose Only Shame";

and ....."All Girls Should Have a Poem" ...


beauty in a modern cast, yes?


Ars Poetica
by Archibald MacLeish


A poem should be palpable and mute
As a globed fruit,

Dumb
As old medallions to the thumb,

Silent as the sleeve-worn stone
Of casement ledges where the moss has grown—

A poem should be wordless
As the flight of birds.

*

A poem should be motionless in time
As the moon climbs,

Leaving, as the moon releases
Twig by twig the night-entangled trees,

Leaving, as the moon behind the winter leaves,
Memory by memory the mind—

A poem should be motionless in time
As the moon climbs.

*

A poem should be equal to:
Not true.

For all the history of grief
An empty doorway and a maple leaf.

For love
The leaning grasses and two lights above the sea—

A poem should not mean
But be.


Archibald MacLeish---three Pulitzer prizes.


so a good poem, could the addition of a killer image make this more striking and unforgetable?


mojave

[hellfire]

thank you mojave for sharing your thoughts and wisdom.
it is truly appreciated

regards

hellfire