She [revised 29 Oct 2009], 2nd Edit Options

[Peterpan]

2nd Edit - thanks to Cleo - I think I want to stick to heinous?? It is a more appropriate word than wicked!? What do you think??





She

She arrived in the night
hauling her basket of agony.
Slowly, she unpacked
her heinous wares
next to my bed
then thrust her
needles and swords,
sharp and piercing
into my flesh.

She dragged barbed wire
across my back, until I cried,
but still did not stop.
Then continued to stab the wounds,
leaving them suppurating.

Desperately I searched…
respite did not come.

She moves with me, depleting energy,
rendering me spiritless.

I am at her mercy.

Copyright © September 2009, Beverleigh Annegarn



<sub>1st Edit- many thanks to all!


She

She arrived in the night
hauling her basket of agony.
Slowly, she unpacked
her heinous wares
next to my bed
then thrust her
needles and swords,
sharp and piercing
into my flesh.

She dragged barbed wire
across my back, until I cried,
but still did not stop.
Then continued to stab the wounds,
leaving them suppurating.
Desperately I searched…
Respite did not come.

She moves with me, depleting energy,
and rendering me spiritless.

I am at her mercy.

Copyright © September 2009, Beverleigh Annegarn




Original

She

She arrived in the night
hauling her basket of agony.
Slowly, she unpacked
her wicked wares
next to my bed;
then thrust her
needles and swords,
sharp and piercing
into my skin.
She dragged barbed wire
across my back, until I cried,
but then, still did not stop.
She continued to stab the wounds,
leaving them suppurating. I desperately
searched for respite. It did not come.
She moves with me, depleting energy,
and rendering me spiritless.

I am at her mercy.

Copyright © September 2009, Beverleigh Annegarn</sub>

[Thoth]

I can really empathize having come though extreme and unrelenting pain for many months now.

The concept that pain is an entity - a person who steals in at night inflicting one with her "wares! is interesting and novel. Why is pain a feminine personality? even more interesting! could that emanate from childbirth?

You have exposed some very explorable concepts here Bev, I re-read my "Fickle Pain" and there too it seems to be an entity.

My thoughts and best wishes are with you, hope you feel better soon.

Hugz,

Wally

[Peterpan]

Hi Wally~

I knew you would relate to it. And I am sorry to 'open up wounds' for you, as it would be!

I am not sure why she is a she but, the virus is an organism which lives in my body and literally 'rears her head' cruelly, every now and again...

I know the poem is graphic and hectic but, I felt better after getting my angry words onto paper.

I think my body cant keep up with my mental energy...I am either on full acceleration or with my handbrake up! :)

The whirlwind from Tanzania has arrived so I will be much better with my family all under one roof!

Thanks for looking at my poem.

Bev

[Psyche]

Hi Bev! I've been away a long time, as most of Staff. Can't be helped!

Of course I had to linger here, coz of my FMS. Good question about pain being feminine. Thoth has suggested a good reason, childbirth. Hi Wally!
It's also biblical. God tells Eve straight away about women's pains! That O.T. god was certainly vengeful. Still, pain visits everybody, sooner or later.... most everybody I know!

I can't find any fault with your poem, Bev. I'm just sorry that you hurt so much. Hope it's just sporadic? Does it spread to different parts of your body? And not respond to medication?

Try relaxing your mind, Bev, since you say it races ahead of your ability to do things. Tai Chi (meditation in movement) is a wonderful way to slow down the mind. Nowadays you can get to do it a little faster, same as Yoga. People tired of the slowness, so it's been spiked up a little for us westerners!
It's a wonderful, natural "sleeping pill" as well, coz if you do it before bedtime you'll sleep soundly. Far better than watching T.V., which activates the neurons too much!

Anyway, that's my 2 cents, sent with love. I live with chronic pain but have somehow moved forward to where it's my road companion, rather than my master. Took a while....Hey, I've made it masculine....HA!

Thanks for sharing this poem, I hope to come back and find you better.
Hugs, Syl***

She

She arrived in the night
hauling her basket of agony.
Slowly, she unpacked
her wicked wares
next to my bed;
then thrust her
needles and swords,
sharp and piercing
into my skin.
She dragged barbed wire
across my back, until I cried,
but then, still did not stop.
She continued to stab the wounds,
leaving them suppurating. I desperately <<<<< do you have suppurating wounds, Bev? Or is it metaphorical?

searched for respite. It did not come.
She moves with me, depleting energy,
and rendering me spiritless.

Yes, longstanding pain depletes one's energy. That's why deep sleep is so important, and spacing one's activities, even the enjoyable ones!

I am at her mercy.

Oh no, Bev! Tho' your finale is poetically powerful, still I think you'll be on equal terms with 'her' if you seek the right strategies. Big hugs, Syl***

Copyright © September 2009, Beverleigh Annegarn

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Bev, a very interesting concept formed around the thoughts of pain. As Wally and Sylvia have both said, we all live with some sort of pain sooner or later. I have thought pain as masculine or as even an animal but it could be feminine also. I would say that childbirth is the one pain that men will never know, just as having someone kick a man in the groin is a pain a woman will never know... the only nit I could find on first read through was:
but then, still did not stop. I think you could just say 'but still did not stop'. and be fine.

Very vivid read Bev.

[Peterpan]

Hello Syl!

Ja, yet another attack of Shingles. It was bad...I am better now and accelerating again...I only know acceleration or with the handbrake up! :)

Dont panic I am feeling better...but this was real! I was particularly angry with her!

Thank you for stopping by! With appreciation for your kind words and help!

Bev

[Peterpan]

Bev, a very interesting concept formed around the thoughts of pain. As Wally and Sylvia have both said, we all live with some sort of pain sooner or later. I have thought pain as masculine or as even an animal but it could be feminine also. I would say that childbirth is the one pain that men will never know, just as having someone kick a man in the groin is a pain a woman will never know... the only nit I could find on first read through was:
but then, still did not stop. I think you could just say 'but still did not stop'. and be fine.

Very vivid read Bev.

Ohsteve!

Many thanks for your input...I really appreciate it.

Feeling much better - best she stay away!

Bev

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Bev.

Glad to see that you've now written about that horrible visitor you'd told me about a week or so ago. Yikes. Sounds like a Tasmanian devil of a very different sort, and not to compare with the male version visiting you at present, huh?

I must confess that I had no idea what suppurating meant till I looked it up! I can't even imagine what that must be like. I've had lingering, persistent pain for some time from neuropathy, but nothing like this.

Just a few observations about this very clear rant... and yes, it sounds as though she'd best stay away!

She

She arrived in the night
hauling her basket of agony.
Slowly, she unpacked
her wicked wares
next to my bed ( ; )
then thrust her
needles and swords,
sharp and piercing
into my skin.

[ break ? ]

She dragged barbed wire
across my back, until I cried,
but then, still did not stop (.)
She then continued to stab the wounds,
leaving them suppurating. [ line break ? ]
(I) Desperately I searched...
searched for Respite (. It) did not come.

[ break ? - since change of tense? ]

She moves with me, depleting energy,
and rendering me spiritless.

I am at her mercy.

Copyright © September 2009, Beverleigh Annegarn

Lightly playing with your FV for practice, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Bev,

Cool piece! Daniel has some great suggestions - I'll add just a few as well - Syl just nominated this poem for the IBPC. Hoping you'll respond soon (it's a late nom) but we still have a few days to finalize...

Cheers,
~Cleo


She arrived in the night
hauling her basket of agony.

[ break ? ]

Slowly, she unpacked
her wicked wares
next to my bed {;}
then thrust her
needles and swords,
sharp and piercing
into my skin. **Another idea is to say 'flesh' here.

[ break ? ]

She dragged barbed wire
across my back, until I cried,
but {then,} still did not stop.
She continued to stab the wounds,
leaving them suppurating.

[ break ? ]

{I} Desperately I searched.
{for} Respite{. It} did not come.
She moves with me, depleting energy,
and rendering me spiritless.

I am at her Mercy!

[Peterpan]

Hello!

I have posted an edit. Thank you Syl for the nomination!

Bev

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Bev,

thus far! I spot a couple teensy items to further note for your consideration as noted below.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo


Slowly, she unpacked
her heinous wares
**I actually prefer your orginal 'wicked wares' for its alliteration, imho.
next to my bed
then thrust her
needles and swords,
sharp and piercing
into my flesh. **Nice change there!

She dragged barbed wire
across my back, until I cried,
but still did not stop.
Then continued to stab the wounds,
leaving them suppurating.
Desperately I searched…
Respite did not come.
**Nice edits to this stanza - however you don't need to start a new sentence with 'Then continued'. You could say something like:
Her sinuous stab wounds continued;
renounced to suppurate. there?

She moves with me, depleting energy,
{and} rendering me spiritless.

I am at her mercy.

[Thoth]

I can't say I like it, Bev

but then that is the whole point of the poem so it works for me. No nits that stood out. I like the revision

Well done! and best of luck for IBPC. My sincerest wishes are that for you something good at least comes out of the suffering you have endured.

Hugs,

Wally

[Peterpan]

Hello Wally!

Thank you for stopping by. I sent the poem to my mom and she phoned me in a sheer panic!

My uncle also said one thing good is a 'good' poem out of the pain!!!

How are you?

Bev