Hey, Larry...
I've modified my entry to indicate that critique is welcome. It's been a while since I offered anything, so the habit had died!
I like all of your suggestions, and I'll likely incorporate each, though the one to the third senryu would make the first line run directly into the rest for ONE LONG THOUGHT, which isn't supposed to happen in a senryu.
Also, I'm not sure if you noticed the IRONY of your having to offer a suggestion in the first senryu!? Do you see it? LOL
deLighting in your generous sharing, Daniel