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Quiet, another Haiku |
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Jul 8 09, 17:42
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Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 87
Joined: 27-November 06
Member No.: 361
Real Name: Ross Baird
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Mysty
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Been critiquing the haikus and sewnuru's of others...so felt I should give everyone a shot at one of mine: Quiet
The morning despairs... silence across the table... a still death of love.
ace
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Jul 8 09, 21:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 201
Joined: 28-April 09
From: Canada
Member No.: 784
Real Name: Marc-Andre Germain
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Ace, You've captured a moment, and it's fairly well-executed. I've got a few nits though. The first one is easy to fix: haiku are untitled poems. You've got the Japanese syllable-count right, but 5-7-5 is not necessarily desirable when written in the English language. As in Japanese, they should be written with an economy of words; for example, I'd remove the article "the" in L1 and simply have "morning despairs", even though it only has four syllables. Also, I believe haiku should be written with concrete visuals and actions: "despair", "death" and "love" are rather abstract, and I think they tell a lot more than they show. A well-executed juxtaposition of two images should be enough for the reader to get your message. Here are two quick reworks, not necessarily stellar, just to give you an idea. (I've removed "morning" as I think the cereal box makes the time of day clear enough.) silence - a Corn Flakes box splits the table bread and jam shadowed by the morning papers I hope this help. Mark QUOTE (ace @ Jul 9 09, 05:42 ) Been critiquing the haikus and sewnuru's of others...so felt I should give everyone a shot at one of mine: Quiet
The morning despairs; silence across the table; a still death of love.
ace
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Guest_prerna bala_*
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Jul 22 09, 05:30
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Guest
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yeah, i think the haiku of yours captures the moment, but show us rather then tell us. how would one feel despair, how would the haiku poet present it to the reader? i am curious how you would express that, and the sound of the silence, this is a real creative challenge for you, wow the sound of silence can be really expressed in such creative ways!
rather impatient to read your revise good luck
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Jul 27 09, 07:56
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Creative Chieftain
Group: Centurion
Posts: 2,587
Joined: 9-August 03
From: Australia
Member No.: 17
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
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G'day, Mate.
The morning despairs; >>> Yep! Like this silence across the table; >>> Yep! Like this a still death of love. >>> Hmm... Perhaps, more subtle. 'fills ears with failure' or something similar.
Nice setiments.
John
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Guest_alice_*
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Jul 28 09, 09:20
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Guest
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Hi Ace, I believe haiku is a very visual art form that allows the reader to feel a certain emotion because of the picture the ku is giving. On reading it the reader then can say aha I can see, feel that. If one thinks about the fragment and phrase of a haiku eg.
morning across the table eyes full of rain
here without mentioning an emotion the reader then makes their own interpretation. For such a short form, I think there are more rules for haiku than any other :(
big sighs here I did enjoy you ku and it certainly started my brain working overtime..haven't written one for ages..
take care Alice
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Jul 28 09, 20:00
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Ace,
I'm still trying to learn these short forms, and I'd like to offer a suggestion for you to ponder. I wonder if you might consider finding replacement words for despairs in L1, silence in L2 and death in L3? The reason I mention it is because as a reader, I think the 'aha' moment would appeal to me more so if I wasn't told in such an abstract way of the despair happening in this snapshot of life. Since a season isn't referenced, i would say this is a Senyru, especially since it's about 'people' so the seasonal aspect isn't necessary (I think).
Maybe if you described despair in your first few words, ridding 'the', the rest will come? What about the morning can be a key symbol to attach the despair to? Some habit, like brewing coffee? And the silence? Perhaps the person is staring at an empty chair?
Be back again, Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 31 09, 22:31
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 9,313
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi ace!
How strange it is that different lines appeal to different people. Personally, I find your Senryu highly striking. It certainly makes one think. It's so sad...maybe somebody died and it's the first breakfast without that person? Silence can be so loud...
Keep 'em coming!
Syl***QUOTE (ace @ Jul 9 09, 00:42 ) Been critiquing the haikus and sewnuru's of others...so felt I should give everyone a shot at one of mine: Quiet
The morning despairs; silence across the table; a still death of love.
ace
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Aug 1 09, 07:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi Ace,
The problem with senryus is that what's one person's klunker is another's Stingray. Personally I like everything except the punctuation. You've a light touch and subtle message. Why spoil it with such sophisticated punctuation as semi-colons. I'd use dashes. More casual. Lighter. As for the wording, I love it!!!
Peggy
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Aug 1 09, 13:00
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 9,313
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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I absolutely agree with Peggy about the punctuation. Those semi-colons spoil the effect.
I've been reading up about Haiku, etc., and nowadays we have "free form haiku", which is being used a lot. But it's perfectly all right to stick to tradition. 5-7-5 was actually introduced long ago by a Japanese poet to the English language. But in Japan the Haiku was/is written on a single line...!
So if we have FV haiku, then the content should also be free, methinks. Punctuation is an aesthetic issue, and I agree with Peggy all the way!
Syl***
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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