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> Triumphant Day, sonnet
Eisa
post Nov 6 10, 08:35
Post #1


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Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



I don't think I've had this on MM before - but here is a revision and the original


REVISED VERSION

Triumphant Day

The rooster’s crow commands the sun to rise,
bestirring earth from sleep. He deftly braids
vermilion ribbons through empurpled skies,
creating tapestries in glorious shades.

Soft flurries whiffle aspen leaves awake,
as robins warble, perched on rowan trees
The welkin’s licked by fiery tongues that break
through opalescent light of day’s reprise.
Fresh dew now sprinkled over meadows, clings
like moistened lace, exudes a fresh bouquet.
Creation drums its rhythm, nature sings
her blithe refrain, uniting dawn’s array.

When earth’s crescendo peaks, its warmth is spread;
the sun now leaps triumphant from his bed.



ORIGINAL

Triumphant Day

The rooster’s crow incites the sun to rise,
bestirring earth from sleep. He deftly braids
vermilion ribbons through empurpling skies,
creating tapestries in lustrous shades.

A breeze respires and shakes the leaves awake,
while sparrows chirp and wing among the trees.
Then fiery tongues caress the sky and break
across the opal hues of day’s reprise.
As dew is sprinkled over fields, it clings
like moistened lace; exudes a fresh bouquet.
Creation beats its rhythm, nature sings
her blithe refrain, uniting dawn’s array.

As earth’s crescendo peaks, its warmth is spread;
the sun now leaps triumphant from his bed.


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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Alan
post Nov 6 10, 17:04
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Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
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Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends



Dear Snow,

Excellent ! I offer one tiny amendment, as I think it handles a small be-dum glitsch :

Fresh dew is sprinkled over meadows, clings
like moistened lace, exudes a fresh bouquet.

could be :

Fresh dew, now sprinkled over meadows, clings
like moistened lace, exudes a fresh bouquet.

Love
Alan


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Eisa
post Nov 6 10, 19:33
Post #3


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Thanks Alan - that does sound much better. I'll change it now.

Love Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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