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A Wakening [revised 19 Mar 2010], 14 line Terza Rima [Frost challenge] |
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Mar 4 10, 06:32
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hello ! This is a poem I recently wrote (yay, something new) as a result of the Frost "Aquainted with the Night" challenge located here.1st Revision - thanks Snow, Wally and John! A WakeningIn districts dimly lit, immortal night encumbers troubled souls through blinding rain while searching for that flicker called The Light.
These phantoms seek the weak on luring lane to prime their craft with those already beat whose acts, often unnoticed don't explain
the cruel and unjust faltering of feet on paths that yield a warning; no -- a cry for help. No one will free you from that street!
It comes from deep within; just say good-bye to fragments of yourself -- go scale that height and rise above: welcome that pious sky.
Begin anew! Conquer those wrongs and right the past; a dawning comes from fettered night.
Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter 19 Mar 2010Original:
In districts dimly lit it’s always night where troubled ones cannot see through the rain and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'.
Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane' priming their craft with those already beat. These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain
the cruel and unjust faltering of feet on paths that yield a warning, no; a cry for help. Can someone save them from that street?
It comes from deep within; let’s say good-bye to fragments of ourselves. We’ll scale that height and rise above to see a sapphire sky.
It starts today! Conquer those wrongs and right the past; a dawning comes from fettered night.
Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter 26 Feb 2010
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Mar 4 10, 17:52
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Guest
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Lori, Hooray!!! Congrats on the new poem... of course I have been reading the succession of these in Karnak's but still its great to see you finally post this in the critique forum. I think you have worked out most of the little nits in this as it reads very well, if I didn't know where it had originated I couldn't tell that it was a frosty spin-off. I say very well done Lori. Now let's hope the muse now lit continues to burn. I think it has been a rough year for a lot of us, but it sure is nice to see we have endured and are getting back into the swing of things. I am still doing pretty good with the new meds, haven'twritten anything in about a week but thats ok as I have been taking care of other stuff.
Take care Steve
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Mar 5 10, 12:41
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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HOORAY! Thankies Steve. Yeppers, and I have two other Frost responses in the works too. Maybe I should ease back into writing doing those challenges? As I hint in my closing - say goodbye to the past (we've all hard a rough year) - a new dawn is here! Whippee! Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Mar 14 10, 03:50
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Real Name: Walter Schwim
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Referred By:Mistral
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Hi Lori This poem depicts a really dark side of city life. It is quite horrifying really, just what one imagines in our decadent inner city slums. You have a definite flair for this type of dark poetry and a masterful command of producing spooky imagery. The sonnet structure supports the theme too. In the end it was uplifting too -inspirational stuff! Perhaps you could consider creating two distinct voices calling out from the void, enticing the lost souls hither and thither. Other than that, a very good example emanating from your own challenge. Well done, thanks for the entertainment and taking the lead in this form of poetry again. Hugz, Wally P.S. Here are some comments to T or T QUOTE In districts dimly lit it’s always night [In districts dimly lit, perpetual night] where troubled ones cannot see through the rain [encumbers troubled souls through blinding rain] and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'. [while searching for that flicker called 'The Light'.]
Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane' [Spectres? Leading stress, try; ”where spectres seek the weak. . . ] priming their craft with those already beat. [leading stress][“to prime their craft . . .] These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain [“whose acts . . . “]
the cruel and unjust faltering of feet [I love this strophe!] on paths that yield a warning, no; a cry for help. Can someone save them from that street? [perhaps show voices for the spectres]
It comes from deep within; let’s say good-bye to fragments of ourselves. We’ll scale that height and rise above to see a sapphire sky. [try something other than sapphire - too common]
It starts today! Conquer those wrongs and right the past; a dawning comes from fettered night. ”
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Mar 16 10, 19:22
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Snow and thanks! I'm glad to have you here in my thread. Yes, plesae DO try this - it's like a sonnet in some ways. In districts dimly lit it’s always night where troubled ones cannot see through the rain and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'.Possibly a comma after haze?I was not fond of the 'and haze' as it felt and still feels too much like filler. I'll think on a change there (and see Wally has stopped in for a read too so perhaps he may have an option to consider when I read his reply as well? One thing for certain is L4 needs tweaking.Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane' to prime [ing] their craft with those already beat. These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explainunnoticed acts that often don't explainYes, I agree with the suggestion in L2, and will relook at L3.the cruel and unjust faltering of feet unjust and brutal faltering of feet on paths that yield a warning ... no; a cry for help. Can someone save them from that street?Yes, your idea would work here too = something new to consider there, the addition of 'brutal' instead of cruek works.I wasn't quire sure on the ending actually. It doesn't quite fit the idea in my mind - it's more like an epiphany: Starting today, things will be different... but I'm glad you like it! Thanks for stopping in! Hugs ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Mar 19 10, 05:48
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Creative Chieftain
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Real Name: John
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G'day Lori Original. Good. A Wakening Title Awakening In districts dimly lit it’s always night >>> 'always night'. Not true. In districts dimly lit it's always bleak/dull/pale/murky/dingy. where troubled ones cannot see through the rain and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'. >>> 'who is we' Use an active voice: and haze to find a flicker called light Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane' >>> 'of luring lane/in luring lane priming their craft with those already beat. These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain the cruel and unjust faltering of feet on paths that yield a warning, no; a cry>>> Just me here. on paths that yeild a warning. No-- a cry for help. for help. Can someone save them from that street? It comes from deep within; let’s say good-bye to fragments of ourselves. We’ll scale that height >>> Dunno, Plural? to fragment ourselves; we'll scale our heights and rise above to see a sapphire sky. It starts today! Conquer those wrongs and right the past; a dawning comes from fettered night. Take or leave my suggestions, Lori. I think your poem deserves a new start. Regards, John
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Mar 19 10, 20:36
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Wally, I like to check into the dark side sometimes, I find it fascinating, LOL! Yes, when I saw the end words of each line, I thought of the inner city and the street action at night. I like "spooky", and am glad you understood the message here. There's always hope, it just takes a change to see it sometimes. I like the idea of the phantom speaking so I'm going to use that one, TY! I've incorporated Snow's, John's and your suggestions into a re-write I'll be editing in a few minutes. I hope you don;t mind my using a few of your ideas - they fit much better that my original while still maintaining the message. What do you think? Thanks again and cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Mar 19 10, 20:39
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Mosaic Master
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G'day mate, It's NICE to see you in my thread, John. How are you? True, it's not 'always night' but I needed to keep the word 'night' and have incorporated some other suggestions - what do you think of the rewrite? You're all on the same page. Good onya! Hopefully, it has a new start now, lol! Cheers, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Mar 19 10, 23:07
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Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hey Lori,
Love the revision! The meter and flow are smoother now and even after the 3rd read, I found no bumps or nits to pick. I would have popped in for a critter two but everyone else covered all the bases quite nicely. Besides, I put in my two cents in Karnak. Bob would be proud.
Larry
p.s. Check out the Longfellow thread for my new SQ.
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Mar 20 10, 04:16
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Creative Chieftain
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G'day, Lori. Can I give a good to be alive call. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHa. Good revision. Well, the first line in any poem, as (yo) know, sets the theme. My suggestion. The backstreets, the shadows, it's always night. From therein use an active voice. Point out the scene. Nothing, passive. Boom, boom. John
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Apr 5 10, 01:23
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Dear Lori;
Powerful and reads so well. I would not dare touch the fourth verse or last couplet. I think they are VERY personal and have meaning that I would not change.
My grammar is terrible, so please correct me on the tense, V2, L2. Is 'beat' ok or should it be beaten? Here's a line if it's the latter (although, I expect I am wrong on this).
'dregs already beaten by deceit'
tootles Sam
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Values are to integrity as spirit to spirituality ... the one is needed that the other is sustained ~ Sam MM Award Winner
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Jul 20 10, 11:09
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Mosaic Master
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Hi there mate! Geez - sorry for my late response!!!!!! I just realized two more replies to this one. I will consider your idea on L1 - however, I think 'the shadows' may be redundant later with 'phantoms'. I do like 'it's always night' so glad you agree there. I almost wnated to give the visual of a 'district' in other words - a specific part of town where its a bit 'seedier' if you know what I mean. On the next revision (not sure when) - I will rethink that active voice narration. Best regards! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jul 20 10, 11:17
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Mosaic Master
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Hi Sam - It's GOOD to see you in my thread and at MM. Sorry for such a late response to your posting! I'm glad you enjoyed this. I will double check on the grammar - it's possible that it should be beaten QUOTE My grammar is terrible, so please correct me on the tense, V2, L2. Is 'beat' ok or should it be beaten? Here's a line if it's the latter (although, I expect I am wrong on this).
'dregs already beaten by deceit' . I want to be careful though as in L2, I'm referring to the specters, not the victims of their games. "to prime their craft with those already beat". The specters are the ones who are heightening their craft if you will by feeding on the weak. So I wouldn't view the victims as dregs necessarily. Good food for thought! I'll try and get back to this soon! Take care and thanks! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Jul 27 10, 08:32
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Guest
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Hi, Lori, I have read this through a few times and can't see where any further improvements can be made and still stay true to the challenge. QUOTE Taking Frost's 'Acquainted with the Night' poem below, create your own using the same end words. The words are: night, rain, light, lane, beat, explain, feet, cry, street, good-bye, height, sky, right, night. It is a strong response, and does meet those requirements admirably. That said, If you substituted a couple of 'your' words in appropriate places - eg 'beat' could be improved on, I think -it would give you the freedom to really develop this. Jim
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Jul 27 10, 11:51
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Mosaic Master
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Hi Jim, Thanks for stopping by! One of the things I like about the challenges is the freedom you can explore once the initial response has been penned. Now that I've met the rules of the challenge (in Karnak), I could edit some of those end words to better fit my message - especially 'beat' as that one I find hard to fit in. I'll mull this one over and see if other words better match the feel and message... Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
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Jul 27 10, 11:55
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Guest
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Look forward to it, but beware the terza, it's very addictive, jim
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