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Cleo_Serapis
Hello ! wave.gif

This is a poem I recently wrote (yay, something new) hsdance.gif as a result of the Frost "Aquainted with the Night" challenge located here.


1st Revision - thanks Snow, Wally and John! eowyn.gif aragorn.gif legolas.gif

A Wakening


In districts dimly lit, immortal night
encumbers troubled souls through blinding rain
while searching for that flicker called The Light.

These phantoms seek the weak on luring lane
to prime their craft with those already beat
whose acts, often unnoticed don't explain

the cruel and unjust faltering of feet
on paths that yield a warning; no -- a cry
for help. No one will free you from that street!

It comes from deep within; just say good-bye
to fragments of yourself -- go scale that height
and rise above: welcome that pious sky.

Begin anew! Conquer those wrongs and right
the past; a dawning comes from fettered night.

Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter 19 Mar 2010




Original:

In districts dimly lit it’s always night
where troubled ones cannot see through the rain
and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'.

Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane'
priming their craft with those already beat.
These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain

the cruel and unjust faltering of feet
on paths that yield a warning, no; a cry
for help. Can someone save them from that street?

It comes from deep within; let’s say good-bye
to fragments of ourselves. We’ll scale that height
and rise above to see a sapphire sky.

It starts today! Conquer those wrongs and right
the past; a dawning comes from fettered night.


Copyright © Lorraine M. Kanter 26 Feb 2010
ohsteve
Lori, Hooray!!! Congrats on the new poem... of course I have been reading the succession of these in Karnak's but still its great to see you finally post this in the critique forum. I think you have worked out most of the little nits in this as it reads very well, if I didn't know where it had originated I couldn't tell that it was a frosty spin-off. I say very well done Lori. Now let's hope the muse now lit continues to burn. I think it has been a rough year for a lot of us, but it sure is nice to see we have endured and are getting back into the swing of things. I am still doing pretty good with the new meds, haven'twritten anything in about a week but thats ok as I have been taking care of other stuff.

Take care
Steve
Cleo_Serapis
HOORAY! dance.gif dance.gif

Thankies Steve. Yeppers, and I have two other Frost responses in the works too. Maybe I should ease back into writing doing those challenges? Idea.gif

As I hint in my closing - say goodbye to the past (we've all hard a rough year) - a new dawn is here! sun.gif

Whippee! hsdance.gif

Cheers
~Cleo arwen.gif
Eisa
Well done Lori!! pharoah2.gif cheer.gif It's so good to read your work again.

I love this form too - must have a try (if muse will allow!!)

A few thoughts follow :-


A Wakening


In districts dimly lit it’s always night
where troubled ones cannot see through the rain
and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'.

Possibly a comma after haze?

Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane'
to prime [ing] their craft with those already beat.
These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain

unnoticed acts that often don't explain


the cruel and unjust faltering of feet
unjust and brutal faltering of feet
on paths that yield a warning ... no; a cry
for help. Can someone save them from that street?

It comes from deep within; let’s say good-bye
to fragments of ourselves. We’ll scale that height
and rise above to see a sapphire sky.

It starts today! Conquer those wrongs and right
the past; a dawning comes from fettered night.



Fantastic ending!!!!!!!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif
Thoth
Hi Lori
This poem depicts a really dark side of city life. It is quite horrifying really, just what one imagines in our decadent inner city slums. You have a definite flair for this type of dark poetry and a masterful command of producing spooky imagery. The sonnet structure supports the theme too. In the end it was uplifting too -inspirational stuff!

Perhaps you could consider creating two distinct voices calling out from the void, enticing the lost souls hither and thither. Other than that, a very good example emanating from your own challenge.

Well done, thanks for the entertainment and taking the lead in this form of poetry again.

Hugz, Wally

P.S. Here are some comments to T or T


QUOTE
In districts dimly lit it’s always night [In districts dimly lit, perpetual night]
where troubled ones cannot see through the rain [encumbers troubled souls through blinding rain]
and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'. [while searching for that flicker called 'The Light'.]

Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane' [Spectres? Leading stress, try; ”where spectres seek the weak. . . ]
priming their craft with those already beat. [leading stress][“to prime their craft . . .]
These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain [“whose acts . . . “]

the cruel and unjust faltering of feet [I love this strophe!]
on paths that yield a warning, no; a cry
for help. Can someone save them from that street? [perhaps show voices for the spectres]

It comes from deep within; let’s say good-bye
to fragments of ourselves. We’ll scale that height
and rise above to see a sapphire sky. [try something other than sapphire - too common]

It starts today! Conquer those wrongs and right
the past; a dawning comes from fettered night.
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Snow and thanks! wave.gif

I'm glad to have you here in my thread. cheer.gif Yes, plesae DO try this - it's like a sonnet in some ways.

In districts dimly lit it’s always night
where troubled ones cannot see through the rain
and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'.

Possibly a comma after haze?
I was not fond of the 'and haze' as it felt and still feels too much like filler. I'll think on a change there (and see Wally has stopped in for a read too so perhaps he may have an option to consider when I read his reply as well? One thing for certain is L4 needs tweaking.

Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane'
to prime [ing] their craft with those already beat.
These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain

unnoticed acts that often don't explain
Yes, I agree with the suggestion in L2, and will relook at L3.

the cruel and unjust faltering of feet
unjust and brutal faltering of feet
on paths that yield a warning ... no; a cry
for help. Can someone save them from that street?

Yes, your idea would work here too = something new to consider there, the addition of 'brutal' instead of cruek works.

I wasn't quire sure on the ending actually. It doesn't quite fit the idea in my mind - it's more like an epiphany: Starting today, things will be different... but I'm glad you like it!

Thanks for stopping in! Snowflake.gif
Hugs
~Cleo sun.gif
Arnfinn
G'day Lori

Original. Good. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif



A Wakening

Title Awakening


In districts dimly lit it’s always night >>> 'always night'. Not true. In districts dimly lit it's always bleak/dull/pale/murky/dingy.
where troubled ones cannot see through the rain
and haze to find that flicker we call 'light'. >>> 'who is we' Use an active voice: and haze to find a flicker called light

Specters enlist the weak on 'luring lane' >>> 'of luring lane/in luring lane
priming their craft with those already beat.
These acts, often unnoticed, don’t explain

the cruel and unjust faltering of feet
on paths that yield a warning, no; a cry>>> Just me here. on paths that yeild a warning. No-- a cry for help.
for help. Can someone save them from that street?

It comes from deep within; let’s say good-bye
to fragments of ourselves. We’ll scale that height >>> Dunno, Plural? to fragment ourselves; we'll scale our heights
and rise above to see a sapphire sky.

It starts today! Conquer those wrongs and right
the past; a dawning comes from fettered night.


Take or leave my suggestions, Lori. troy.gif


I think your poem deserves a new start. troy.gif


Regards,


John


Cleo_Serapis
Hi Wally, tut.gif

I like to check into the dark side sometimes, I find it fascinating, LOL! Yes, when I saw the end words of each line, I thought of the inner city and the street action at night. I like "spooky", ghostface.gif and am glad you understood the message here. There's always hope, it just takes a change to see it sometimes. I like the idea of the phantom sauron.gif speaking so I'm going to use that one, TY! hsdance.gif

I've incorporated Snow's, John's and your suggestions into a re-write I'll be editing in a few minutes. I hope you don;t mind my using a few of your ideas - they fit much better that my original while still maintaining the message.

What do you think?

Thanks again and cheers,
~Cleo eowyn.gif
Cleo_Serapis
G'day mate, troy.gif

It's NICE to see you in my thread, John. How are you?

True, it's not 'always night' but I needed to keep the word 'night' and have incorporated some other suggestions - what do you think of the rewrite? You're all on the same page. Good onya!

Hopefully, it has a new start now, lol!

Cheers,
~Cleo kiss.gif
Larry
Hey Lori,

Love the revision! The meter and flow are smoother now and even after the 3rd read, I found no bumps or nits to pick. I would have popped in for a critter two but everyone else covered all the bases quite nicely. Besides, I put in my two cents in Karnak. Bob would be proud.

Larry

p.s. Check out the Longfellow thread for my new SQ.
Arnfinn
G'day, Lori.

Can I give a good to be alive call. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHa. troy.gif


Good revision. minniemouse.gif pinkpanther.gif

Well, the first line in any poem, as (yo) know, sets the theme. troy.gif


My suggestion.

The backstreets, the shadows, it's always night. Hide.gif

From therein use an active voice. Point out the scene. troy.gif

Nothing, passive.

Boom, boom. Fencing.gif


John troy.gif Pharoah.gif
4rum
Dear Lori;

Powerful and reads so well. I would not dare touch the fourth verse or last couplet. I think they are VERY personal and have meaning that I would not change.

My grammar is terrible, so please correct me on the tense, V2, L2. Is 'beat' ok or should it be beaten? Here's a line if it's the latter (although, I expect I am wrong on this).

'dregs already beaten by deceit'

tootles
Sam
Cleo_Serapis
Hi there mate! troy.gif

Geez - sorry for my late response!!!!!! I just realized two more replies to this one. upside.gif

I will consider your idea on L1 - however, I think 'the shadows' may be redundant later with 'phantoms'. I do like 'it's always night' so glad you agree there. I almost wnated to give the visual of a 'district' in other words - a specific part of town where its a bit 'seedier' if you know what I mean.

On the next revision (not sure when) - I will rethink that active voice narration.

Best regards!
~Cleo sun.gif

Cleo_Serapis
Hi Sam -

It's GOOD to see you in my thread and at MM. mm.gif mm.gif Sorry for such a late response to your posting! upside.gif

I'm glad you enjoyed this. I will double check on the grammar - it's possible that it should be beaten
QUOTE
My grammar is terrible, so please correct me on the tense, V2, L2. Is 'beat' ok or should it be beaten? Here's a line if it's the latter (although, I expect I am wrong on this).

'dregs already beaten by deceit'
. I want to be careful though as in L2, I'm referring to the specters, not the victims of their games. "to prime their craft with those already beat". The specters are the ones who are heightening their craft if you will by feeding on the weak. So I wouldn't view the victims as dregs necessarily.

Good food for thought!
I'll try and get back to this soon!

Take care and thanks!
~Cleo Read.gif
bombadil1247
Hi, Lori,

I have read this through a few times and can't see where any further improvements can be made and still stay true to the challenge.

QUOTE
Taking Frost's 'Acquainted with the Night' poem below, create your own using the same end words. The words are: night, rain, light, lane, beat, explain, feet, cry, street, good-bye, height, sky, right, night.


It is a strong response, and does meet those requirements admirably. That said, If you substituted a couple of 'your' words in appropriate places - eg 'beat' could be improved on, I think -it would give you the freedom to really develop this.
Jim
Cleo_Serapis
Hi Jim, wave.gif

Thanks for stopping by! One of the things I like about the challenges is the freedom you can explore once the initial response has been penned. writersblock.gif Now that I've met the rules of the challenge (in Karnak), I could edit some of those end words to better fit my message - especially 'beat' as that one I find hard to fit in.

I'll mull this one over and see if other words better match the feel and message...

Cheers
~Cleo eowyn.gif
bombadil1247
Look forward to it, but beware the terza, it's very addictive, margarita.gif
jim
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