Rejection, A Pantoum Options

[Sekhmet]

REJECTION -

 Woman_walking_in_stack_heel_shoes.jpg ( 29.79K ) Number of downloads: 2


REJECTION - Second revision.

Sauntering - light as the April breeze,

along the lonely lovers' lane.

Her floral skirt swirls round her knees.

Wicked eyes, flashing in cruel disdain.

Along the lonely lovers' lane,

a young man waits, with muted breath.

' Wicked eyes flashing in cruel disdain'

He means to bring the young girl, death.


A young man waits, with muted breath.

How dare she laugh - with eyes flashing scorn?

He means to bring the young girl death.

She'll see no more, the golden dawn.


How dare she laugh - with eyes flashing scorn?

Oh why did he place his heart at her feet?

She'll see no more the golden dawn.

How swiftly he'll make his silent retreat.


Oh why did he lay his heart at her feet?

her floral skirt swirls round her knees.

How swiftly he'll make his silent retreat.

Sauntering - light as the April breeze.

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REJECTION

A Pantoum With grateful thanks to Mike for introducing me to this form



Sauntering; light as the April breeze

along the lonely lovers lane.

Her floral skirt swirled round her knees.

Those wicked eyes, flashing disdain.



Along the lonely lover's lane,

a young man waits, with muted breath.

'Those wicked eyes flashing disdain' -

he means to bring the young girl - death.



A young man waits, with muted breath.

How could she laugh; eyes filled with such scorn?

He means to bring the young girl death.

She'll see no more, the golden dawn.



How could she laugh; eyes filled with such scorn?

though he'd laid his heart at her feet.

She'll see no more the golden dawn.

How swiftly he'll make his retreat.



Though he'd laid his heart at her feet,

her floral skirt swirled round her knees.

How swiftly he'll make his retreat.

Sauntering; light as the April breeze.

[mike in brooklyn]

Hi Leonora
What an eerie feeling I got while reading this poem.
You had thee hairs on my neck erect and some chills
running up my spine.
A very good 1st Pantoum - and you wrote it so quickly too.

My only critique would be that the poem would benefit from
some more attention to the meter.
I found it a bit difficult to scan in places.

ie: 'those wicked eyes flashing disdain' might be improved
as 'those wicked eyes in flashed disdain' or ' those wicked eyes flash cruel disdain'

I am very sensitive to meter - a personal thing

Just a suggestion of course.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Leo, as Mike said, I too got a bit of standing hair and chills, almost felt as though he were stalking her, and she had no idea, not so sure about the picture with this, as my imagination provided the swirling dress. i have to go reread about pantoum's.

Steve

[Sekhmet]

Good morning Mike - You are, of course, quite right about the meter. Until recently, I worked with syllables, but I am now, slowly beginning to realise that the beat is just as important. I haven't quite got the hang of it yet - so please put me straight if I have it wrong in my revision.

Thank you for reading and commenting on Rejection.

Leo

[Sekhmet]

Good Morning Steve - I am so glad that I managed to convey an aura of menace. Thank you for stopping by to read this poem - a first tentative try at a Pantoum. Please feel free to imagine your own dress - but it was actually that picture which inspired the poem.
On seeing it, I thought to myself, (a typical grandma of two young women.) 'She really shouldn't be walking along a lonely country lane - dressed like that!) How non-pc can I get?!
Have a good day,
Leo

[JLY]

Leo,

Your storyline is quite commonplace these days in that there are too many occurences of your theme that make the front pages of our newspapers and evening newscasts.

The moralists put much of the blame on the woman who flaunts her curvaceous body but it is she who becomes the perilous victim in these assualts by deranged assailants.

I liked the alliteration in this line, it just needs an apostrophe...
along the lonely lovers' lane

In comparison to your other lines, I find this one to be a bit of a tonque-twister and may be better sounding if it were abbreviated....
How dare she laugh - her eyes flashing scorn

Your poem is all the more menacing because it is so true to life, particularly here in the U. S.

JLY

[Marc-Andre Germa...]

Leonara,

A pantoum that reads like a ballad Really, I'm impressed, it seems so impossible with such a restricted form. One nit though: I think this definitely deserves metrical tightening. Read aloud, most of it reads as smoothly as a ballad, but there are quite a few danglers...I'm sure you know where these are already

Mark

[Sekhmet]

Thank you, JLY and Marc for reading and commenting on 'Rejection'. I have revised the original, and hope that I have eradicated at least some of the danglers and nits - sounds rather like a badly groomed dog!
Leo