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Critiquer of the month for JUNE Noms, please reply by December 15th |
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Nov 19 05, 07:47
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Calling all writers of the Mosaic!
The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JUNE. :block:
Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.
The award: *Laurel Wreath
*Graphic provided by Celtic Castle Designs
The details: [*]Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JUNE. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic start date OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critique replies were made in February as well. [*]Post the two examples in this thread. [*]Post only the CRITIQUES. [*]Make sure your examples are from the month of JUNE. [*]State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to. [*]Eligible forums: Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations
Nominations will be taken through December 15th, 2005.
Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.
Good luck all! Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic!
Mosaic Musings Staff :roman:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Nov 21 05, 06:46
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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We are extending the nominations through Dec 15th.
If you'd like to see this change to a volunteer-type of process, please send me a PM.
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Nina_*
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Nov 21 05, 08:48
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Guest
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Hi
I'd like to nominate Lori for COM in June. Despite having so much else to do she always manages to give carefully considered and very helpful in depth crits.
Affected by you by Siren - posted in Seren's
Hi Daniah.
What a poignant piece - the sorrow so deeply felt.
Your words have such a powerful impact! A longing so deep....
You've made some excellent revisions already. I have just a few word swaps for you to ponder below. [delete] {add}
Painted in my memory, Lori
Come watch sorrow spill forth from drooping lids, and [notice] {observe} * a bit stronger intent my brown irises swimming in a well of tears. Feel my fingers tighten, circling the hope with your presence in my heart.
I'd string my wishes on the thread of your affection, *comma not needed preceding ‘and’ and kneel before the world in your embrace, if only you'd rescue me from this misery.
Tonight, I shall clear my mind of painful memories; ignore the sting on my bruised body, and cling to the opiate touch of our [shared] {collective} dreams. For within them, you are my knight whisking me away from [sorrow] {regret}. * so as not to duplicate
and
in Mental Fatigue by Linda also in Seren's
Hi Linda.
I've finally had a chance to read this fine piece of yours!
First let me say that I edited your original post since I saw your revision as a reply. We like to ask our members to please post their revisions in the original and to leave the original there too so we can see the changes as they occur.
OK - I am one who looks at titles and finds the link in the work. This is brilliant! I can FEEL the intensity grow with each stanza!
Since you use some punctuation, I'll offer it in my critique below. [delete] {add}
Necrotic daylight, crimson waves, dripping into pools of dark deception; stagnant air grasp[ing]{s} [for] the last clarity of light.
In L6, I would suggest 'grasps' and an endstop after light.
Illusions echo—imagination: I [need to] {must} face the blistering dark melancholy memories that dig deep into my brain. On and on into the night I walk helpless---perhaps insane.
If you want to make the need a requirement, why not not change it from 'need to' to 'must'? Add endstop in L6.
Deficient in color shadows compensate as waves of motion ooze through the spaces that spawn my fate
Nice! Perhaps a pause, endstop or ellipse after 'fate'?
A hypnotic hum surrounds my head like an opiate sent to drive me mad.
Darkness becomes the oppressor, seductress in her domain observing the quality of discomfort massed upon the damned..
Now, we're talking! Love the build-up and personification here!
[The] Night still refuses to recognize [the] day and belches poisonous phrases ‘till [the] {an} animated brightness burns the eye of doubt with the potency of its power [and] drive[s]{ing} the bitter darkness out.
Well done! ~Cleo
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Nov 21 05, 09:31
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Wow Nina!
I'm surprized and thrilled by your nomination! :ballet: :cloud9: :dance:
I think you would say : reet chuffed? :wallace:
Thanks so much for this!
:mm: :champagne: :rose:
~Cleo :lovie:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Nov 23 05, 02:49
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Guest
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Hi Nina, good choice! I'll second that nomination (*wanders off to find some examples*) :sun:
Fran
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Nov 23 05, 12:36
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Guest
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I would like to nominate Cybele for COM.
This crit from A Rosebud Glimpsed On Morning Walk in Herme's.
Good morning Cathy,
Firstly, let me say I congratulate you on being able to not only read Burns, but to understand the language! There are many people over this side of the pond who would have great trouble comprehending his Ayrshire dialect ~ so well done.
I join Nina and Fran in saying that I too find your poem far more romantic than the original.
There is only one tiny point I would like to make and this is just a matter of preference Cathy;
Her queenly grace unfolds in June, outshining e'en the brightest moon.
The use of the word 'e'en' harkens back to an earlier era of poetry and I think it just slightly weakens your lovely work. Contractions are never attractive in poetry IMHO, and here it seems to be a slight bow to Burns. You don't need to do that Cathy. Although his poem inspired you, many, many poets use the same theme over and over again.
If you change this one word you can dissociate yourself from that work entirely. Using the full word 'even' (which can be read aloud as one syllable) is perfectly possible without spoiling your rhythm. If you read it aloud you will see what I mean.
Just a thought Cathy. Thank you for the lovey read.
-------------- Love
Grace
This crit from Solstice, also in Herme's.
Good morning Fran,
What a lovely picture you paint here. I know how you feel, I have many days sitting in the garden with my eyes closed, feeling exactly as you do in this poem.
I had only one thought Fran..
Quote sun-drenched days melt dream-drowned nights;
I couldn't see how the sun could melt something which was not frozen.
To keep and enhance the alliteration could I suggest
Sun-soaked days air dream-drowned nights ?
Thank you for the lovely read.
-------------- Love
Grace
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Nov 24 05, 18:16
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Thanks so much Fran.
I'd like to second Cathy's nomination of Cybele (Grace). *wanders off too to find examples
Cheers ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Jox_*
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Nov 25 05, 04:04
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Guest
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Hi all,
Well last time Cathy and Fran were up for this award I copped out and didn't vote because I wanted to vote for both of them. I think I will have to do the same again - I second both Lori's nomination and Grace's. So, if I can't have two votes I must abstain - but it is a positive abstention - I would like to see both ladies awarded - you both deserve it.
J.
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Guest_Nina_*
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Nov 25 05, 07:23
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Guest
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Hi Lori, J
James - I feel the same as you every month there is more than one nomination for this award. I always want to vote for both but end up voting for the one I nominated in the first place. I was really pleased it worked out as a tie last month.
Nina
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Guest_Jox_*
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Nov 25 05, 07:28
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Guest
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Thanks, Nina.
J.
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Dec 9 05, 06:41
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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