Love at First Sight Options

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

Eternity's Love

Revision 1
The first time I saw you,
my heart skipped inside me;
recognizing your soul as
the love of life’s eternity.

Like the 4th of July
I heard Pavarotti sing,
fireworks burst overhead,
my heart gleefully dancing.

I loved you that first day.
Did you love me, too?
Doesn’t really matter,
love is always true.

And perhaps down the road,
life’s forever highway,
destiny will rise up
and we’ll find a new way...

Together!


original
The first time I saw you,
My heart leaped within me.
My soul recognized yours,
My love through life’s journeys.

Like the 4th of July
I heard Pavarotti sing,
Fireworks burst overhead,
My heart gaily dancing.

I loved you that first day.
Did you love me, too?
Doesn’t really matter,
My love is always true.

And perhaps down the road,
Life’s forever highway
Destiny will rise up,
And we’ll make a new way.

Together!

[AMETHYST]

Hello and very nice to meet you,

I see a lot of potential in this. I felt some weeding out of unnecessary words and some trimming of words that could be changed from weak to powerful might enhance and compliment your message.

Some further thoughts to follow...

Look forward to more of your work... Liz

First, your title. Way too cliche. I thought perhaps something that you've implied within your text yet, was't stated right out might be more fitting.


The first time I saw you,
My heart leaped within me.
My soul recognized yours,
My love through life’s journeys.

S1: The narrator describes the immediate response of meeting someone for the first time and the reactions clearly. However, perhaps weeding out might draw upon power words and say this in a fresh and original way.
L2: ...leaped within me  felt a bit clumsey, Would you consider inside me instead.
L3: the repeat of "my" in both L3/L4 weaken your intention. Perhaps introducing the union through the use of words such as our, we, ...
The first time I saw you
my heart leaped inside me
and recognized your soul,
a true love through life's journeys.

Ok so that is a bit weak as well, but it is to give an example how you might lead the reader with movement from one thought to the next, with slight pauses.

Like the 4th of July
I heard Pavarotti sing,
Fireworks burst overhead,
My heart gaily dancing.

This is a great stanza, nice motion, fresher images, I liked your reference to Pavarotti compared to 4th of July...
L4: Perhaps, my heart gleeful in dance.

I loved you that first day.
Did you love me, too?
Doesn’t really matter,
My love is always true.


And perhaps down the road,
Life’s forever highway
Destiny will rise up,
And we’ll make a new way.

L4: Perhaps instead of make, you might find a new way.

Good luck with this one, I will keep an eye open for any revisions...

Liz

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi liz!

it's nice to meet you, too!  and i appreciate all the great suggestions you gave me.  i posted a revision based on them & i'd love to know what you think about it now & if you have anymore suggestions, i'd appreciate it.

thank you,

deb

p.s.  what do you think of the new title?

[Michelle]

Hi deb,

The revision is much improved.
Excellent job!

With your chosen descriptions
I think your poem is optimized.

True love is a topic
that certainly has inspired
poetry for ages.

My suggestion, not necessarily
for this poem, but for all poems
is, never be afraid to let
your imagination run.


Michelle

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi michelle,

thank you for stopping by & commenting.  i appreciate it very much.  and i agree with you about never being afraid to use imagination.  i think we are sometimes taught to conform too much and i know i need to let mine run absolutely wild more!

thanx again,

deb

[AMETHYST]

Hi Deb..

Giggle, I didn't know you were you... so it's still nice to meet you, as it's always nice to meet you!  :jester:
Ahhh, good revisions!

Revision 1
The first time I saw you,
my heart skipped inside me;
recognizing your soul as
the love of life’s eternity.

Your revisions in S1 really shine through. I liked in L2, the rhyme and sound association with... Skipped/inSide, flowed as smooth a ice cream.
The meaning and imagery comes off flawless... I like L3/L4 revision, it sounds so natural.


Like the 4th of July
I heard Pavarotti sing,
fireworks burst overhead,
my heart gleefully dancing.


I loved you that first day.
Did you love me, too?
Doesn’t really matter,
love is always true.

I like this, liked it before too! :)

And perhaps down the road,
life’s forever highway,
destiny will rise up
and we’ll find a new way...

Perfect. This flows off like a song. I especially like the ending line. Brings some closure to the intent of the poem. Nicely done! CLAPPING.                  

Together!

This is perfectly placed on it's own.... it draws strength solely, together.

Well Deb, I look forward to more of your poetry... Hugs, Liz

[Guest_Pygmalion_*]

hi liz!
i didn't know that was you either!  i'm tickled you're here!  

thanx for the comments.  i appreciate them & you.

read ya soon,

deb