Venom, A poem... Options

[Guest_Lecta_*]

Fatal Temptation

Raindrops fall
on your soft, white petals.

Ladybugs lie
on your forest green leaves.

A single flower of white,
you stand out
in a garden of
blues, purples, reds.

You slowly sway
bending with the breeze.

Humming along to
a bird’s sweet, sweet melody,
you draw me to you.

Your intense aroma
of hypnotic voices
clouds my mind.

As I sit down
Beside you,
my reason is sedated.

I am paralyzed
by your beauty.

So stunning...

So lovely...

And I am lost.

---

What do you think? For you OCPs (Obsessive Compulsive Punctuationers) here's one that is (should be at least close to) perfectly punctuated!

Happy holidays!

~Lecta~



Note: Do you people like the new title? I edited the poem a little too, using some of your suggestions!  

[Guest__*]

Dear Lecta

You are hereby awarded the OCPMTA !

..... if you think about it, (I think) you'll understand it...

As for the title, I think I just got it ! WHO are you ?

Love
Alan

[Guest_Lecta_*]

Alan,

OCPMTA...hmmm... Ok, I get OCP...let me see...

Most Trustful Advarsary... no...

Moose Trust Ardvarks... no...

Most Terrific Application... maybe...

Quincy Eats Cheese... no...

hmmm... I don't know... You'll have to give me this one. I'm usually pretty good at this, but I have no clue.  

The title is given because the person telling the story is poisoned by the flower, hence, "Venom." (Such a happy poem! ) I meant the flower part literally. But I suppose one could think of it as a person... maybe I should make that more clear... Did you think it was a person?

"WHO are you ?"

What do you mean?

I am SO confused!

Happy holidays!

~Lecta~

[Guest__*]

Dear Lecta,

Oh dear !

You know, that was last night - but in the cold grey light of dawn - literally, it's pretty foggy outside - I can't remember either !

MTA = something like Medal of Teriffic Application ( of the OCP part ! )

I looked up venom in the dict, and one def incl the bee's sting, so I thought you were writing from the viewpoint of a BEE ! Have a look, I think it fits quite well ! Hence the WHO are you - answer = the bee.

If you meant a person, that too would fit, but you mean a poison FROM the flower. WOW ! Depths within depths !

Love
Alan

[Cybele]

Good Morning Lecta,

MM that can be a little confusing since we now have an Electra as well

Venom

Raindrops fall
on your soft, white petals.

Ladybugs lie
on your forest green leaves.

A single flower of white,


you stand out
in a garden of
blues, purples, reds.

You slowly sway
bending in time to the breeze.

bending with the breeze might be a little smoother, Lecta .

Humming along to
a bird’s sweet melody,
you draw me to you.

Your intense aroma
of hypnotic voices
clouds my mind.

Can't quite make the connection of the first two lines. Could you please explain them to me?

As I lay down
Beside you,
my reason’s sedated.

L3 either 'my reason sedated' or 'my reason is sedated'

I am paralyzed
by your beauty.

So stunning...

So lovely...

And I am lost.

This is a very colourful poem with some great imagery Lecta, but I can't quite think of the title as being right in any of your explanations. Perhaps instead of Venom something like 'Fatal Attraction' might fit better.

Choose or lose as always. Thank you for sharing this one.


Grace  

[Arnfinn]

How are ya.


Your poem may I say is very well written...

Yes...I knew the flower did all the nasty things...I did not want the aroma to bump you off.

I would rather the poem or the plant to have been the Mandrake

The Mandrake...n a poisonous plant, Mandragora Officinarum with white or purple flowers and large yellow fruit, having emetic and narcotic properties and possessing a root once thought to resmble the human form and to shriek when plucked...  Mandragon

The plant itself is deadly poisonous.

Yes a very enjoyable poem.


Arnie

[Guest__*]

Hi Lecta,
I loved the imagery in this poem and the beautiful use of colours but I must admit that, on my first reading, I read it as a person rather than literally as a flower  :blush21:  and I thought the title a bit harsh for such a gentle write.
I really did enjoy reading this though despite those tiny points.

[Siren]

Lecta,


An enchanting read... I'm impressed... you have lovely images here and I am as hypnotized as you are...


:)

You are right though about the title, Sweetie... "Venom" though not totaly bad isn't quite right here...


Perhaps for a title:


1) Soporific Melody

2) Beguiled

3) Lost In Your Wiles


well those came from the top of my head...


I'll return... You do need punctuations and for that I'll come back...


Daniah

[Guest_Aurora_*]

Hi Lecta

I really love what you have here. Filled with romance and lovely images.
Very enchanting and too beautiful for your title. Maybe you could call it something like- On The Edge Of Forever or Wild Flowers.

Now your third stanza sort of threw me off a tad, so I gave you some flower-food for thought.

Venom

Raindrops fall
on your soft, white petals.

Ladybugs lie
on your forest green leaves.

A single flower of white,
you stand out --accentuates you
in a garden of--in a garden of blues
blues, purples, red--purples and reds

You slowly sway
bending in time to the breeze.

Humming along to
a bird’s sweet melody,
you draw me to you.--draws me to you

Your intense aroma
of hypnotic voices
clouds my mind.

As I lay down
Beside you,
my reason’s sedated.

I am paralyzed
by your beauty.

So stunning...

So lovely...

And I am lost.

---

Not much to change here, but I thought I'd add my thoughts. I love what you have and the atmosphere your poem creates. Bravo.

Angie

[Guest__*]

Hello
Your poem moves in different directions. It could be that the figurative you has succumbed to one of those carnivorous plants, like a Venus Flytrap.
Or you could be literally in the romantic grasp of some young Lothario and unable to withstand his wicked designs.

Either way, it's very cleverly put together. Keep writing.

Jimmy Mac

.

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

Lecta,
some great imagery here, but I too was put off by the title.
Was thinking  more of "enticement" or "allure",maybe  malodourous "
Oh have some fun with all of them.
Larry