Not This October Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

REvised with thanks to Cathy

Last October was mean,
spits of snow and ice
came out of nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes in the spring.

Not this October...

Gentle breezes warmed the skin
and cool rains fell to quench the thirst
of parched ground.

Last October we had snow six inches deep
by the first two days,

Not this October...

There was no hint of snow until mid-November.

Last October, leaves on the trees were ripped away...
swirling into mini twisters in the yard.

Not this October...

Leaves stayed gold, scarlet, yellow;
gently cradled by soft winds
to blanket the ground,
awaiting a winter-white frock.



original

Last October was mean, lean
with spits of snow and ice that
came out of nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes in the spring.

Not this October; where gentle breezes warmed the skin – only a cool rain fell to quench the thirst of the
parched dry ground.

Last October we had snow six inches deep by the first two days,

Not this October; there was no hint of snow until mid-November.

Last October the leaves on the trees were ripped and swirling into mini twisters in the yard.

Not this October; the leaves stayed gold, scarlet, and yellow, falling as a gentle rain, blanketing the ground
to await the November snows.

[JustDaniel]

I can't even remember this past October, let alone compare it with the year before. Congratulations on the evidence you don't have early dementia, Steve. I think I may...

Maybe next October I'll remember...

but I'm glad you were able to more gently welcome this season's snow this year.

fallin' Lightly, Daniel

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Steve,

I don't even remember a year ago October! LOL But if it was snowing, I don't want to remember it either!

I think you could omit some words to tighten this up a bit and maybe reformat your lines just a bit so that some aren't so long while others are short. I think it might look better... could just be me! *smiles* Of course... as always... use or lose!

Cathy



Last October was mean, {lean}
{with} spits of snow and ice {that}
came out of nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes in the spring.

Not this October; {where} gentle breezes warmed the skin {– only a}[and] cool rain[s] fell to quench the thirst of {the}
parched {dry} ground. 'Parched' and 'dry' would be the same thing.

I would leave 'Not this October' on a line by itself (maybe even in italics) and set the other lines up a bit differently.

Last October we had snow six inches deep {by}[line break] the first two days,

Not this October; there was no hint of snow until mid-November.

Here again, I would leave 'Not this October' by itself.

Last October the leaves on the trees were ripped [away...]{and} swirling into mini twisters in the yard.

Not this October; {the} leaves stayed gold, scarlet, {and} yellow[...]{,} falling as a gentle rain, blanketing the ground
to await the November snows.

For the last part of this verse maybe:

drifting gently to blanket the ground
awaiting November snows. OR

gently cradled by soft winds
to blanket the ground
awaiting a winter-white frock.

It would look like this:

Last October was mean,
spits of snow and ice
came out of nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes in the spring.

Not this October...

Gentle breezes warmed the skin
and cool rains fell to quench the thirst
of parched ground.

Last October we had snow six inches deep
by the first two days,

Not this October...

There was no hint of snow until mid-November.

Last October, leaves on the trees were ripped away...
swirling into mini twisters in the yard.

Not this October...

Leaves stayed gold, scarlet, yellow;
gently cradled by soft winds
to blanket the ground,
awaiting a winter-white frock.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thanks Daniel for reading and I do believe I have that senility factor its called CRS,,, can't remember stuff...lol.But imagination more than reality sets the picture for this poem. Cathy once again a great critique helps put my attempt into a first class piece, I have this habit of writing wht comes into my head and then not really self critiqueing enough, I will use your edition as a revised piece and see what other comments come, thanks for reading and commenting.
Steve

[Psyche]

Hi Steve!

Great poem! Cathy's tips helped a lot to tidy it up. I don't believe I would change anything else.
You're wise to follow her suggestions.

I agree with you about using the imagination a lot. I probably don't remember anything about last October, let alone January 2007...haha... But I too believe that a poet can and should use flights of the imagination to compose, and there's no obligation to express events exactly as they were, either. What I think is important -but not obligatory either- is to write something that can relate to actual facts, either personal or universal. In this case, you've written about "climate change", and that's the essence of your work.

Love it!!
Cheers, Sylvia ***

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sylvia, thanks for reading and your commens am glad you enjoyed.
Steve

[Arnfinn]

G'day Steve,


Ya got a bit of a yo yo going here. How about dividing into the past tense and the present.



Last October was mean,
spits of snow and ice
came out of nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes in the spring.

Not this October...

Ok Gentle breezes warmed the skin
and cool rains fell to quench the thirst
of parched ground.

Last October we had snow six inches deep
by the first two days,

Not this October...

There was no hint of snow until mid-November.

Last October, leaves on the trees were ripped away...
swirling into mini twisters in the yard.

Not this October...

Leaves stayed gold, scarlet, yellow;
gently cradled by soft winds
to blanket the ground,
awaiting a winter-white frock.


Ok, lets put your thoughts in perspective.

Last October, leaves (on the trees) were ripped away...
swirling into mini twisters in the yard. Delete 'on the trees' Every one of us know that leaves hang around trees.

So start (my opinion) like this

Last October, leaves were ripped away,
swirling like mini twisters in the yard <<< Have a look at that mate! A very interesting couplet.

(Last October was mean,) <<< delete
spits of snow and ice
came out of nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes in the spring.

So what have we got! We havva got this mate!

Last October, leaves were ripped away
swirling like mini twisters in the yard,
spirits of snow and ice
came out of nowhere bit(ing)
as swarms of mosquitoes in the spring. ok, I've given you a few ideas.


Last October we had snow six inches deep
by the first two days,
<<< delete this statement from your poetry, its a repeat and nothing to the feel of the poem


Next Stanza. With my revision.



Not this October--
Gentle breezes warmed the skin,
cool rains fell to quench the (thirst) <<< delete 'thirst'
(of) parched ground. <<< delete 'of'


<<< Now, Steve you need to add another line of poetry. Yep, one last line, ( a punch line). Mate use your imagination This last Line will make all the difference. 10/4 over and out.


So mate I've left ya with a hatful of ideas..


Your the poet: dooooo something.

Poetry is an expansion of the mind...think about your poem. Always look for improvements. Take the mundane, and set the words on fire.

Impress your reader. Bring out the poet in the poetry.



jOHN

[Eisa]

Hi Steve

I like some of your images here and the comparison between last your and this.

A few suggestions ~

Last October… [was]
mean spits of snow and ice
came [out of] from nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes in the spring.

Not this October...

Gentle breezes warmed the skin
and cool rains [fell to] quench the [thirst
of] parched ground.

Last October [we had] snow was six inches deep
[by the first] in two days,

Not this October...

There was no hint of snow until mid-November.

Last October, leaves [on the trees] were ripped away...
swirling into mini twisters in the yard.

Not this October...

Leaves stayed gold, scarlet, yellow;
gently cradled by soft winds
to blanket the ground,
awaiting [a] winter’s [-]white frock.

or you could make a complete change and instead of interweaving last and this October make it 2 seperate stanzas for each year like this ~

Last October…

mean spits of snow and ice
came from nowhere to bite like
swarms of mosquitoes.
Snow was six inches deep
in two days,
leaves ripped away, swirling
into mini twisters in the yard.

This October...

gentle breezes warm the skin
and cool rains quench parched ground.
There is no hint of snow.
Leaves stay gold, scarlet, yellow;
gently cradled by soft winds
to blanket the ground,
awaiting winter’s white frock.

Just a few thoughts -- take or toss!

Snow