 Because I Stopped Too Much for Breath, a parody on an Emily Dickinson standard |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Sep 5 05, 09:29
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#1
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 18,795 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
Because I Stopped Too Much for Breath
Because I've badly documented I'm now far behind; though papers filed are signed and such... I think I’ll lose my mind... you see, I drove right on in haste and put the files away but labored on... and leisured too with great civility. I know in school I learned to strive past recess... through the ring... and passed with pastel colors there; what did the real world bring? I came forth kind of orderly; have I now lazy grown? Or does my mind run all about— from prophet… to a clown! A chart review has given pause; administration frowned. My roof could well have crashed on me... I could be poundin’ ground. My notes piled up for days... then months; not much has gone astray... but I must sort, record and type well on past Labor Day. © MLee Dickens’son 05 Sept 2005 Because I Could Not Stop For Death
by Emily Dickinson Because I could not stop for Death— He kindly stopped for me— The Carriage held but just Ourselves— And Immortality. We slowly drove—He knew no haste And I had put away My labor and my leisure too, For His Civility— We passed the School, where Children strove At Recess—in the Ring— We passed the fields of Gazing Grain— We passed the Setting Sun— Or rather—He passed Us— The Dews drew quivering and chill— For only Gossamer, my Gown— My Tippet—only Tulle— We paused before a House that seemed A Swelling of the Ground— The Roof was scarcely visible— The Cornice—in the Ground— Since then—'tis Centuries—and yet Feels shorter than the Day I first surmised the Horses' Heads Were toward Eternity— ·······  ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner        |
  
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| Guest_Nina_* |
Sep 5 05, 13:51
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Hi Daniel
Poor you still struggling to clear your paperwork. I hope you succeed and don't lose your job over it. Unfortunately the lure of poetry and MM is just too strong to resist, I empathise with you. Good luck with your sorting, recording and typing. By the way - when and what is labor day? Nina |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Sep 5 05, 18:00
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#3
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Hi Daniel,
I hope you get caught up soon! Because I've badly documented I'm now far behind; though papers filed are signed and such... I think I’ll lose my mind... I love paperwork!  you see, I drove right on in haste and put the files away but labored on... and leisured too with great civility. Too much leisure? :oops: I know in school I learned to strive past recess... through the ring... and passed with pastel colors there; what did the real world bring? Are we ever really prepared? I came forth kind of orderly; have I now lazy grown? Or does my mind run all about— from prophet… to a clown! A chart review has given pause; administration frowned. My roof could well have crashed on me... I could be poundin’ ground. I'm glad they didn't send you looking for another job! Shock My notes piled up for days... then months; not much has gone astray... but I must sort, record and type well on past Labor Day. Does anyone still celebrate Labor Day?? :p I think paperwork multiplies like bunnies! LOL |
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| Guest_Toumai_* |
Sep 8 05, 11:30
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#4
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Hi Daniel
Oh I hate keeping up with the paperwork! Good luck with all the documentation and catching up. It's great to see you when you get the odd moment to drop in. Fran |
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 Sep 11 05, 08:13
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#5
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Daniel,
Looks like I'm the first to congratulate you for your ingenuity in emulating Emily Dickinson and one of her most poignant poems. Your piece mixes beautifully your respect for her work and your ability to nudge it from its somber outlook to your tongue-in-cheek approach. Amongst the posters at this site, I figure I may be the one most enraptured by our poetic heritage and I greatly appreciate your piece here as it is a tribute to Emily Dickinson. Cheers, Ron jgd ······· ······· |
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Aug 7 06, 15:36
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#6
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,795 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Nina @ Sep 5 05, 14:51 ) [snapback]53450[/snapback] Poor you still struggling to clear your paperwork. I hope you succeed and don't lose your job over it. Unfortunately the lure of poetry and MM is just too strong to resist, I empathise with you. Good luck with your sorting, recording and typing. By the way - when and what is labor day? Nina Hey, Nina!  I just discovered that I have a WHOLE LOT of responses that I owe from during that time I was behind, so I'd better get to them, huh? Sheesh! I really don't want to flood the top of the forum with my stuff as though I'm being vain, so I guess I'd best spread it over a period of time, huh? Any suggestions?Actually, I guess I should be doing some of that paperwork I'd caught up on right now, since I haven't posted some visits and groups from last week yet... but I'm on my own time just now, since I have to work an extra long day tomorrow. Thanks for your visit and your concern. I hope that you're having a wonderful summer. I know that you post more in the prose side of the house where I simply don't have time to go, unfortunately, but it's always a pleasure to have you visit over here! deLightingly, Daniel B) ······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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Aug 7 06, 15:40
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#7
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,795 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Cathy...
I hope you're not serious that you LIKE PAPERWORK! You've GOT to be kidding!  Thank you for your visit and for your wonderfully light comments. deLighting with Madame M, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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Aug 7 06, 15:44
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#8
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,795 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(jgdittier @ Sep 11 05, 09:13 ) [snapback]53981[/snapback] Dear Daniel, Looks like I'm the first to congratulate you for your ingenuity in emulating Emily Dickinson and one of her most poignant poems. [ Thanks so much, Ron! Please forgive my tardiness! ] Your piece mixes beautifully your respect for her work and your ability to nudge it from its somber outlook to your tongue-in-cheek approach. [ I take that as a very high compliment, my friend! ] Amongst the posters at this site, I figure I may be the one most enraptured by our poetic heritage and I greatly appreciate your piece here as it is a tribute to Emily Dickinson. Cheers, Ron jgd Dear Ron, please forgive me for overlooking this wonderful compliment. I will cherish it, my friend. One of the highest ever paid to me!   Lightened on a pink cloud, Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Cathy_* |
Aug 7 06, 18:06
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#9
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Hi Daniel,
yes, I DO like paperwork! LOL
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Aug 21 06, 13:49
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#10
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,795 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE(Toumai @ Sep 8 05, 12:30 ) [snapback]53732[/snapback] Hi Daniel Oh I hate keeping up with the paperwork! Good luck with all the documentation and catching up. It's great to see you when you get the odd moment to drop in. Fran  Hey, Fran!  I'm only 11 months late with this reply! I did catch up back then, then got behind, then caught up... and I am in the middle of doing paperwork RIGHT NOW... as a State official is coming to check out our program on Thursday morning... but I had to come up for air! ARGHHHH. ... and what's this about my odd moment ?  Are you trying to get EVEN with me for something?  Lightly, Daniel
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Gregory_* |
Aug 26 06, 08:54
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#11
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Daniel, love a poem you don't have to crit for grammar. Although I did hear Emily in your parody, her equisite use of time and breath, and brevity, I did not. However that is hardly a criticism given how good she was. This is excellent, and funny, and because it is about Emily I even liked the paperwork. Cheers Gregory
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Aug 26 06, 10:21
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#12
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Daniel.
You've inspired me (perhaps it was I who inspired you originally way back when  ) to repost my parody of ED's poem today. Overall, you poem has solid rhythms and a good conclusion - paperwork drives me INSANE!  I did spot problems in two of your stanzas with rhyme scheme noted below for you to review. Hope this Labor Day is labor free! Cheers ~Cleo  Because I've badly documented I'm though papers filed are signed and such... I think I’ll lose my mind... you see, I drove right on in haste and put the files away but labored on... and leisured too with great civility. I spy  a problem in your rhyme scheme here Daniel. I suggest a change in L2 to something that incorporates perhaps 'and file papered debris' ?I know in school I learned to strive past recess... through the ring... and passed with pastel colors there; what did the real world bring? (Nice inner rhymes here)! I came forth kind of orderly; have I now lazy grown? Or does my mind run all about— from prophet… to a clown! I spy a problem in your rhyme scheme here Daniel. I suggest a change in L4 to something that incorporates perhaps from prophet... I have known?
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner      |
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Aug 27 06, 07:43
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#13
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
 Oops!I noticed in Emily's poem that she did not follow strictly to a rhyme scheme too and in fact, you were following her lead. Never me mind then on that observation of mine... ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 27 06, 20:59
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#14
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Daniel,
You've selected a poem by a major poet which I think has both rhyme and metre flaws. It has, however, one of the most powerful messages I've ever seen in poetry and a flow that etches itself in its reader's mind. It is a superb choice to choose as a tribute. You have followed Dickinson's form here so well that sumply hearing it hummed permits me to recognize the original. You have brilliantly followed the thrust of it but modified the story. Were Dickinson with us today I'm sure she would shower plaudits on you for all the elements of poetry you've mastered in this one piece. After reading my comments here, please reread Dickinson's aloud with inflection enough to bring out the music in it and then read yours. You, sir, are in tune with the masters!!! Congratulations, cheers, Ron jgd ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Linda_* |
Sep 8 06, 12:20
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#15
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Hi!
 This is your big sis! At your prompting, I just registered today, under the name Linda (how creative is that!?) Enjoyed your piece about paperwork....really explains me right now, also, where email is concerned! I am so behind, and this slow dial-up does little to help the situation! I am equally behind in sending greeting cards this month, and replying to letters received via "snail-mail"....besides being behind in gardening chores. AAARRRRGH! Looking forward to reading more in the site! Thanks for the info....and hi to everyone else, too! Linda
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