laughing sonnet tears, tweaked ~ 2/24 Options

[JustDaniel]

laughing sonnet tears

Iambic swells when it can give a smile,
and you can shift to make its movement flow
by mixing in enjambment all the while
you're metaphoring scents you want to show.

Your capitalization on sweet sound
of assonance and consonance could bring
a depth of interest... and if you've clowned
a little too, we’ll laugh to make it sing.

Look out your window and across the way
impressing us with images about
your view, uncovering by what you say…
their very essence... and perhaps a doubt

that something more is lurking there, unseen
yet visible if we could nudge our screen.

MLee Dickens'son 19 Feb 2007


Original
S1L2 ~ and you can make its movement flow

[Alan]

Dear Daniel,

I'm amazed there have been no responses, but this one seems to hint at something lurking in the woodplle, just beyond our conscious ken.

Very clever, as always, indeed, I suspect too so for its own good ....

Po-lightly facing the demons (lol)

Love
Alan

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Daniel,

An ode to iambic sonnet-teers? *smiles* Very well done as always!

Just a few thoughts... use or lose!

Cat

laughing sonnet tears

Why the lack of capitals?

Iambic swells when it can give a smile,
and you can make its movement flow
by mixing in enjambment all the while
you're metaphoring scents you want to show.

Iambic is so pleasant when done right. I think I've finally gotten the hang of it! LOL You certainly have the movement flowing here! My only 'nit' is line 4. How do you show a scent? In my mind, to show something you have to be able to see something. You can't see a scent. A picture or image maybe but I know they don't fit due to syllable count. Maybe it's just me but 'show' just doesn't seem right in that line.

Your capitalization on sweet sound
of assonance and consonance could bring
a depth of interest... and if you've clowned
a little too, we’ll laugh to make it sing.

Which is exactly what this verse does! LOL

Look out your window and across the way
impressing us with images about
your view, uncovering by what you say…
their very essence... and perhaps a doubt

When I first read this I had a problem with line 1 (the stress on 'and') but the more I read it the less I notice it.

that something more is lurking there, unseen
yet visible if we could nudge our screen.

Nice ending~ You aptly describe iambic meter, illustrating by example and your subtle use of the 's' and 'w' sounds illustrates another poetic device. Maybe you should be a teacher! *smiles*

Cat

[Merlin]

If you could nudge the screen away to see, what wonders there might be beyond confines of old, fixed ways like end-stopped rhyming scree and hackneyed phraseology that whines. It’s capital to find a touch of wit accompanied by tasteful imagery to make of poets’ words, a Messerschmitt that soars the skies in perfect symmetry. Can there be more to words than they express, and does a writer hide a secret thought inside a sentence filled with pure largess? Can words assuage the troubled and distraught?
In regal beauty, scarlet columbines most often grow outside the timberlines.


Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I'm still working on some notes on this off line. I thought I would have already have gotten them ready to post, but since not, I wanted to stop by and let you know I have read this, LOVE it, both in it's lightheartedness of the subject, yet that excellent closing couplet puts just the right sense of seriousness to it, that in itself, felt like the hidden wonder of meter/Sonnet's and poetry...

Be back soon enough, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Dear Daniel,

I'm amazed there have been no responses, but this one seems to hint at something lurking in the woodpile, just beyond our conscious ken.

Really? I kind of thought it was a pretty straightforward metaphor, so I guess that baffles me some.

Very clever, as always, indeed, I suspect too so for its own good ....

Wow... Thank you, I guess... but that's a bit disappointing. I didn't think it was all that esoteric. I must be spending too much time inside my head lately.

Po-lightly facing the demons (lol)

... and I hope that I'm not one of them!

Love, Alan

appreciating your poLightness, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

An ode to iambic sonnet-teers? *smiles* Very well done as always!
Thank you, and yes, that was my intent.

Just a few thoughts... use or lose! Cat
I never lose them; sometimes I'm just slow!

laughing sonnet tears

Why the lack of capitals?
for the sake of duality. I originally capitalized them, but tentatively changed my mind when I felt that it kind of obscurred it ?

Iambic swells when it can give a smile,
and you can make its movement flow
by mixing in enjambment all the while
you're metaphoring scents you want to show.

Iambic is so pleasant when done right. I think I've finally gotten the hang of it! [ Which I've long told you that you would, Cat. You've always had a feel for it that I've sensed. ] LOL You certainly have the movement flowing here! My only 'nit' is line 4. How do you show a scent? In my mind, to show something you have to be able to see something. You can't see a scent. A picture or image maybe but I know they don't fit due to syllable count. Maybe it's just me but 'show' just doesn't seem right in that line.
I think that is precisely what I'm attempting by saying it that way. How can you describe, paint, tell, feel, touch, see a scent ? I'm not sure there IS a verb for it for a writing metaphor.... and by the way, did you HEAR 'sense' when you read it aloud...
or did you read it allowed ?

Your capitalization on sweet sound
of assonance and consonance could bring
a depth of interest... and if you've clowned
a little too, we’ll laugh to make it sing.

Which is exactly what this verse does! LOL
That makes me very happy!

Look out your window and across the way
impressing us with images about
your view, uncovering by what you say…
their very essence... and perhaps a doubt

When I first read this I had a problem with line 1 (the stress on 'and') but the more I read it the less I notice it.
Ah... so now you not only see that you understand iambic, but you're getting a feel for the allowable variations on it! See?

that something more is lurking there, unseen
yet visible if we could nudge our screen.

Nice ending~ You aptly describe iambic meter, illustrating by example and your subtle use of the 's' and 'w' sounds illustrates another poetic device. Maybe you should be a teacher! *smiles*

Cat

Thanks so much Cat... but I'm only a teacher in the sense that others here and in some other and previous sites have taught me. That's what we all do, isn't it?

deLighting in the journey, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

If you could nudge the screen away to see,
what wonders there might be beyond confines
of old, fixed ways like end-stopped rhyming scree
and hackneyed phraseology that whines.

It’s capital to find a touch of wit
accompanied by tasteful imagery
to make of poets’ words, a Messerschmitt
that soars the skies in perfect symmetry.

Can there be more to words than they express,
and does a writer hide a secret thought inside
a sentence filled with honor or largess?
Can words assuage the troubled and distraught?

In regal beauty, scarlet columbines
most often grow outside the timberlines.

Merlin

I'm happy that you've let me nudge my screen
to read between your lines; I mean
to ask you if these two perhaps could be
a duet for the writing world to see.

seriously grateful and deLightedly requesting, Daniel

[JustDaniel]

Hi Daniel,

I'm still working on some notes on this off line. I thought I would have already have gotten them ready to post, but since not, I wanted to stop by and let you know I have read this, LOVE it, both in it's lightheartedness of the subject, yet that excellent closing couplet puts just the right sense of seriousness to it, that in itself, felt like the hidden wonder of meter/Sonnet's and poetry...

Be back soon enough, Liz

Thank you so much, Liz... that means a great deal to me.

Honestly, for some time, I'd gotten the impression that I'd totally failed with this one. Such are the vagaries of impatience. I'm a veteran of it.

bLightedly, Daniel

[Merlin]

A screen play of a different sort this is; you’ve nudged and niggled as I thought you might and Presto! There it came into clear sight – tis what I call my bit of funny biz!

I’ll need to change a word or two, I see; a hexameter snuck in unawares and it must go below, so I declares. A fix is on its way in hot degrees.

A duet for the writing world? They’ll flee! But I don’t mind, who knows what it might bring? It’s best, however, I should never sing; our audience will clap their hands in glee.

So hello world, I’m off to do a doo-et, because you know, that I can really doo-it!

[JustDaniel]

A screen play of a different sort this is;
you’ve nudged and niggled as I thought you might
and Presto! There it came into clear sight –
tis what I call my bit of funny biz!

Her first day on the job, my blonde, it's said,
used White-Out till she couldn't see a thing
while doing screen-play, trying hard to sing
and file away her nails from Aa to Zed.

I’ll need to change a word or two, I see;
a hexameter snuck in unawares
and it must go below, so I declares.
A fix is on its way in hot degrees.

Please don't tell Blondie that you're gonna fix.
I'm bettin' she don't bet, an' folks who do
would be on her list blackened, but then too,
she'd probably ne'er find it in the mix.

A duet for the writing world? They’ll flee!
But I don’t mind, who knows what it might bring?
It’s best, however, I should never sing;
our audience will clap their hands in glee.

I'll sing it fer ya; never fear, my friend,
so long's it ain't some smash-mouth rockin' stuff.
Don' even care if all we write is fluff;
I hardly e'er go flat until the end.

So hello world, I’m off to do a doo-et,
because you know, that I can really doo-it!

The two 'o us is practicin' ta dance;
we thought we oughter tell ya in advance!

[Merlin]

With White-Out on her lashes, she looks fine,
a damsel primed and painted for the screen,
all dressed in frillies bordered with bright green
and emerald necklace to her bosom line.
She waits for her director’s pointer sign,
then prances like a bold Shakespearean queen
across the stage to where MacBeth had been
before the witches put him in the brine.

Around and round the kettle they would dance
until Ms Cleo came and shot them all
for doing foolery instead of what
they ought to do in such a circumstance –
there was no lining up against the wall,
there was no cigarette, no choco-lut…

[AMETHYST]

Hey Daniel,

I've read this many times and am quite put in awe at the skill and cleverness of many aspects of the poem, starting at the title. This brought me a much needed smile and overall enjoyment. There were a few lines that I felt I stumbled on a word or two. I've used your revised draft although my notes and nit picks were on the original, I do think the revised line is a nice improvement, so it felt fitting to include it my thoughts...

Well, let me get to the poem-

Best Wishes, Liz

laughing sonnet tears


As mentioned, the title is working double here and all in good use. I liked the multi-meanings this offers the reader, I guess, if I wrote more Sonnets' I could be a laughing Sonneteer too!


Iambic swells when it can give a smile,
and you can shift to make its movement flow
by mixing in enjambment all the while
you're metaphoring scents you want to show.


L1:I felt this line sounded awkward when read aloud. I keep wanting to say something like; Iambic swells and brings about a smile, (as it is now, that the iambic swells when it gives a smile, but it feels smoother when I contemplate the reaction being on the listener's (narrators part) not the iambic's part. L2, perhaps ... a little shifting makes its movement flow/L3 good line. L4. I kept wanting to say 'those metaphroring scents they put on show.'

What I liked most about this opening stanza was the personalization of devices that create a sonnet-and how there is an action/reaction- (the swell of iambic creats a smile) etc...



Your capitalization on sweet sound
of assonance and consonance could bring
a depth of interest... and if you've clowned
a little too, we’ll laugh to make it sing.


L4, perhaps ...
around a bit - such sonics make it sing (or make us sing) Or ...
around a bit, you'll make us laugh and sing.




Look out your window and across the way
impressing us with images about
your view, uncovering by what you say…
their very essence... and perhaps a doubt


This was the weakest stanza to me. It felt pieced to together just to get the Sonnet done. Although some of the double iambic work here, some feel awkward such as in L2/L3 while in L4, i thought 'a doubt' could be improved by changing 'a' to you or we ...

Perhaps ...

Listen and look how techniques sweetly sway,
impress us with images in and out
of view, uncover seeds by what you say...
their very essence--comes through, there's no doubt

I suggest the change over from there is a doubt to there's no doubt to show a sense of conviction and command that there is more lurking beneath what is seen, between the lines, within the words and in each slight cause is something that lurks there ... unseen.



that something more is lurking there, unseen
yet visible if we could nudge our screen.


I think the ending lines are strong and I have no real suggestions to improve them. I like the inclusion of 'our screen' ... showing the connectivity to online poetry posting and critique. Good word working ...

MLee Dickens'son 19 Feb 2007


Original
S1L2 ~ and you can make its movement flow

Well Daniel,

I do apologize that it took me long. Kelly and I took in a friends dog and all my time at home is trying to keep my dog and the new dog from being at odds-life has been one chaos after another and I just can't seem to get my schedule where I want it to be. I hope something I've left is helpful-please use what you think might work and discard the rest.

My best wishes to you and your family, Liz

[AMETHYST]

PS ... Would it be ok to come back to the thread with a silly sonnet in light of your interests! Beaming with a gleaming smile... Liz

[JustDaniel]

PS ... Would it be ok to come back to the thread with a silly sonnet in light of your interests! Beaming with a gleaming smile... Liz

Well, Merlin did, and he knows darn well he can do it any time! He has standing permission, and so do you. Let the whole world know...

and you and everyone else.... I'm still ponderin' this one for a revision. So sorry I've been distracted from it. I WILL be responding to your suggestions specifically when I can get my head around this again.

sLightly distracted from the direction of this one right now, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Smiling Thank you Daniel and I look forward to any upcoming revisions you might make!

Best Wishes, Liz

[jgdittier]

Dear Daniel and All,
I'm late to the race here and that alone is probably good in that the comments are so right on.
Poetry of this quality deserves the serious treatment it has engendered and note has added another most valuable voice to the interplay.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel.

What a clever piece! I adore poems about poetic form, devices and poets - what a unique approach! I've just one idea to share below for S1. T or T as you wish.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

[add] {delete}

Iambic swells when it can {give} *[shed] a smile, (*alternate for alliteration)
and you can shift to make its movement flow
by mixing in enjambment all the while
you're metaphoring scents you want to show.
EXCELLENT rhythms!