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> Aging in Thought- revised 30 Oct 2010
anaisa
post Sep 23 10, 01:03
Post #1


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revision-

When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,

please help me not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack

to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain

from wearing Mumus, curlers in the hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.




first one

When cataracts form clouds across my eyes
like fog that settles on the coastal skies;
and feeble knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,

help me to not relinquish vanity
to illnesses or pain. Just swaddle me
in classic silk pajamas, sleek and black,
with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack

to drape around my bones, nor pink housecoat
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor. A single chain
of gold, Ann Taylor slacks. Let me abstain

from wearing sweat shirts, curlers in my hair,
of anything that may alarm or scare
the neighbors. Pictures not lamentable,
just well preserved and deemed presentable.


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Eisa
post Sep 23 10, 15:42
Post #2


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Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori



Hi Karen

This one made me smile - I can so relate to this, now I'm getting older.

Your rhymes are unobtrusive to the general flow here and I only faultered in one place

help me to not relinquish vanity

sounded a little awkward first time I read - second time was not so bad. Perhaps, something like

Please help me not relinquish vanity

sounds a little stronger.

It's always great to read your work.

Snow Snowflake.gif




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anaisa
post Sep 23 10, 17:49
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Thanks Eisa-

Sounds much better your way! Glad you smiled- :-)

K


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JLY
post Oct 5 10, 05:30
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Karen,
When I read the first two lines, I just knew this was going to be a smooth read because you start off with such a lyrical, lilting bounce.
It would be nice if we all could look our best as we age; I particularly enjoyed your reference to Ann Taylor, that in of itself tells me you are a fashionable person.
I wouldn't change a thing, I would only ask that you add another verse, you left me wanting for more images that I can relate to.
JLY


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anaisa
post Oct 11 10, 00:12
Post #5


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Hi JLY,

Thanks for your kind reply- I appreciate the comments.

Karen

QUOTE (JLY @ Oct 5 10, 06:30 ) *
Karen,
When I read the first two lines, I just knew this was going to be a smooth read because you start off with such a lyrical, lilting bounce.
It would be nice if we all could look our best as we age; I particularly enjoyed your reference to Ann Taylor, that in of itself tells me you are a fashionable person.
I wouldn't change a thing, I would only ask that you add another verse, you left me wanting for more images that I can relate to.
JLY



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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 29 10, 07:39
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Hi karen,

I wanted to wish you well with this "slice of life" poem at the IBPC. cheer.gif

I suggest changing S1L3 to:
where creaky knees require a wooden cane
to navigate my walk across the lane,



with little velvet shoes—no flannel sack
to drape around my bones, or pink housecoat (I think you might need to change 'or' to 'nor' since your prelude is 'no flannel sack'? Another option is to endstop after 'bones' and start a new sentence so not such a run on simply with 'No pink housecoat...')
with fuzzy slippers skimming like a boat
across the kitchen floor.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo sun.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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anaisa
post Oct 30 10, 12:20
Post #7


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Ho Cleo-

Thanks for that- I changed a few things, hope it's better now :-)

K


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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 31 10, 16:53
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FABULOUS!!!

Good luck! Read.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Oct 31 10, 17:18
Post #9





Guest






Hi, Karen,

congratulations in the nomination and good luck in the IBPC - nice to see two structured going forward. :)
Jim
 
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