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> Dance of the Crinkled Veils (revised st 1), R&M
Eisa
post Aug 21 10, 10:07
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With Autumn round the corner, I have found this poem I wrote some years ago and decided to revise it.





I have revised St1 - one reason being that battements had only 2 syllables not 3

REVISION

Dance of the Crinkled Veils

Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her; ballet pointes battements tendus.

Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.

She sheds her veils in lento time
-- pianissimo they pirouette;
her vibrant beauty, still sublime,
enshrouds terrains a la georgette

Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair,
his spangled shawl around her thighs.

With lofty body proudly posed
her feet secured against each storm,
she wavers endless arms, exposed
‘til emerald ruffles dress her form.

--------------------------------------

Original first stanza
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.




--------------------------------------------------


tweaked lines

his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs.

‘til emerald layers dress her form.



* Georgette is crinkled - so should I leave out crimped and replace with a colour - or something else??

-----------------------------------------------------------

ORIGINAL

Dance of the Crinkled Veils

The sun has left her in the shade
to weave and twirl in ballet shoes;
while Autumn plays its serenade
she changes into citrus hues.

Her rustling veils of russet swirl
with tangerine embroidered hems;
soft breezes tousle chestnut curls
adorned with clustered crimson gems.

She slowly sheds her crinkled veils;
they pirouette without a sound.
Then vibrant loveliness prevails,
embellishing the naked ground.

The music slows until she’s bare,
her outline stark against the skies,
as frost imparts his gift with flair --
a spangled throw to swathe her thighs.

Her sable body’s proudly posed
abiding firm against each storm,
while swaying arms remain exposed
‘til buds of green enrobe her form.


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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Aug 21 10, 14:42
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Hi, Snow,

a tulip striptease? Very nicely done too. I have one little question on S4 tenses.

QUOTE
Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair;
his spangled shawl enwraps her thighs.


Specifically, it's 'enwraps' in line 4 that stops me a little, is the shawl already there or still to come with the frosty crown? If the former, then it's fine but need to lose the 's' if it's the latter.

On your question
QUOTE
* Georgette is crinkled - so should I leave out crimped and replace with a colour - or something else??


I think it's fine as is, but if you want an alternative why not strengthen the stripper theme by using 'a la georgette' there? A little French never hurts. PartyFavor.gif
Jim
 
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Michelle
post Aug 23 10, 17:24
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Hi Snow,

I think this is a lovely autumn veil dance with the nobility of the Waltz of the Flowers Very very lovely. I don't know much about ballet, but that didn't stop me from enjoying your poem.

I found nothing to nick-pick.

My favorite:

Her rustling tutu riffles, swirls
chartreuse with russet layered hems;
soft flurries tousle chestnut curls
adorned with crimson clustered gems.



I think it is kind of magestic - this just flows perfectly to me.

Your revision skills are excellent. I thought the original was very good, but the revision is like a masterpiece.

much enjoyed,

Michelle

my best


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Eisa
post Aug 24 10, 15:04
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Hi Jim

Your observations have been most helpful.

'enwraps' in L4 -- I kept changing from enwrap to enwraps and couldn't make up my mind which to go with. Your comment has helped me decide it should be 'enwrap'

'a la georgette' - yes I do like this! It adds a bit of originality and I shall change it now.

Your thoughts are much appreciated.
Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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Eisa
post Aug 24 10, 15:09
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Hi Michelle

Thank you for your kind words. At first, I only intended to tweak a few lines in the original, but my revision head soon took over. LOL! This poem has been revised a number of times - I hope this is the final one!

Good to see you
Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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AMETHYST
post Sep 13 10, 00:08
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ALmost missed this one Snow!

Lovely. So very lovely. Great capturing title as well. You masterfully created a musically sound poem, that adds such detail and imagery with movement. I am impressed at such a wonderful poem.

I don't have any offerings for this, only because there isn't anything left to offer. It is beautiful.

Big Hugs, Liz





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Eisa
post Sep 13 10, 16:00
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Thanks Liz

This is about te 5th revision - and the last! LOL!

Hugs Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

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anaisa
post Sep 23 10, 01:01
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Eisa! Beautiful poem.
I always get to them after they are revised~
I loved these lines:



Diminuendo: standing bare
she silhouettes the dreary skies.
Soon frost will crown bedraggled hair,
his spangled shawl enwrap her thighs.

Beautiful flow to the whole thing ;-)

K



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Eisa
post Sep 23 10, 15:48
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Thanks Karen

I'm glad this worked for you!

Snow Snowflake.gif



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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 29 10, 08:06
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Hi Snow,

I wanted to stop in and wish you and this lovely poem best of luck atthe IBPC! cheer.gif

I have just one teensy nit and it's here in the opening:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.


I feel as though this is a bit of a run-on, and at first glance thought a comma should be inserted after the word hues. But then I saw something more as the change is happening while the breezes are being fanned, correct? So, I was struggling with how to avoid that second 'she' in L4? Perhaps something to pause after serenade - maybe something like 'as breezes fan and serenade her batterments: in ballet shoes'?

This was a lovely read!
~Cleo sun.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 29 10, 08:08
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I just thought of something else for you to consider instead - what abut reversing the lines so you'd have this:

As breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes
beneath a screen of stratus shade
which changes into citrus hues.
I know L4 would need a little work...



·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Eisa
post Oct 29 10, 13:12
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 29 10, 14:06 ) *
Hi Snow,

I wanted to stop in and wish you and this lovely poem best of luck atthe IBPC! cheer.gif

I have just one teensy nit and it's here in the opening:
Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes.


I feel as though this is a bit of a run-on, and at first glance thought a comma should be inserted after the word hues. But then I saw something more as the change is happening while the breezes are being fanned, correct? So, I was struggling with how to avoid that second 'she' in L4? Perhaps something to pause after serenade - maybe something like 'as breezes fan and serenade her batterments: in ballet shoes'?

This was a lovely read!
~Cleo sun.gif


Hi Lori - good to see you here.

At first I liked changing 'she' to 'her' ... but then wondered if it makes proper sense - to serenade her battemments (leg movements) I was really meaning that she starts to battement beacuse she was being serenaded. I'll think on that one.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Oct 29 10, 13:25
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Oct 29 10, 14:08 ) *
I just thought of something else for you to consider instead - what abut reversing the lines so you'd have this:

As breezes fan and serenade
she battements in ballet shoes
beneath a screen of stratus shade
which changes into citrus hues.
I know L4 would need a little work...


Hi again Lori wave.gif

Yes, that is another way of looking at it -- but I keep saying the last line as, 'she changes into citrus hues' again. LOL!

I need time to get my head round this ... anyway haven't the entries already been sent to IBPC?

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 29 10, 13:47
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Yeah - I see where you are coming from. Food for thought! chef.gif We just had 14 turkeys roaming my backyard just now, lol and I took some photos. turkey.gif

There's still time - I don't send the entries until the 1st of each month. teacher.gif

HUGS
~Cleo galadriel.gif


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

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Eisa
post Oct 29 10, 18:18
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Oh Lori - 14 turkeys! you'll be ok for Xmas dinner LOL!

I'm glad I have a few more days as I have found another problem ... battements is pronounced with 2 syllables - not 3. (batt/mon) -- so it's out for that line!


I have 2 alternative at the moment:

Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her dance begins in ballet shoes.

(which is a bit of a let down after using battement)

or

Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hue
as breezes fan and serenade
her ballet starts glissard dessous.

I'll use this for now -- but I'm still thinking and open to further suggestions.

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 30 10, 11:16
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OK - what is glissard dessous?

I think it's supposed to be "glissade dessous"?

Ask.com:
Glissade
[glee-SAD]
Glide. A traveling step executed by gliding the working foot from the fifth position in the required direction, the other foot closing to it. Glissade is a terre à terre step and is used to link other steps. After a demi-plié in the fifth position the working foot glides along the floor to a strong point a few inches from the floor. The other foot then pushes away from the floor so that both knees are straight and both feet strongly pointed for a moment; then the weight is shifted to the working foot with a fondu. The other foot, which is pointed a few inches from the floor, slides into the fifth position in demi-plié. When a glissade is used as an auxiliary step for small or big jumps, it is done with a quick movement on the upbeat. Glissades are done with or without change of feet, and all begin and end with a demi-plié. There are six glissades: devant, derrière, dessous, dessus, en avant, en arrière, the difference between them depending on the starting and finishing positions as well as the direction. Glissade may also be done sur les pointes.

Perhaps this slight tweak might work since this isn't a starting move:

Beneath a screen of stratus shade
she changes into citrus hues
as breezes fan and serenade
her -- ballet points glissade dessous.


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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
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Eisa
post Oct 30 10, 16:23
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Hi Lori

Glissard was a typo - I did actually mean glissade. (comes from revising late at night!)

I got my info from Wikipedia Glossary of Ballet.

Dessous
Literally "under". Used where the front leg is brought to the back, in techniques such as the assemblé, pas de bourrée, and glissade.

Glissade
Literally, to glide. This is a traveling step starting in fifth position with demi-plié: the front foot moves out to a point, both legs briefly straighten as weight is shifted onto the pointed foot, and the other foot moves in to meet the first. A glissade can be en avant, en arrière, dessous, and dessus; start in fifth position plie, push off back foot moving the front foot forward and bringing the back foot that you pushed off on in the front landing in fifth position.

I really wanted to find a ballet term after dismissing battement and the only other one I could find to fit in the rhyme was
Sous-sus, Sus-sous which was a bit repetitive.

I think your suggestion works quite well, Lori and I'll change it to that in my revision. With pointes, spelled with an e (are you agreed?) I can't think of any thing else right now.

Thanks
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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Oct 30 10, 16:47
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Hi, Snow,

just popping in briefly. Congrats on the nomination. I've posted a link to a site which may help with the 'battements' issue - look at the reference to 'battements tendus'. I think you could rewrite that line to 'she shows off her (or 'practices') battements tendus'.
Jim

http://www.artofballet.com/class2.html
 
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Eisa
post Oct 30 10, 17:15
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QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Oct 30 10, 22:47 ) *
Hi, Snow,

just popping in briefly. Congrats on the nomination. I've posted a link to a site which may help with the 'battements' issue - look at the reference to 'battements tendus'. I think you could rewrite that line to 'she shows off her (or 'practices') battements tendus'.
Jim

http://www.artofballet.com/class2.html


Hey Jim

I've missed you of late. I look forwad to your expert comments. I am so pleased you have come to help with this as I have missed my battements LOL!

I could change to:

as breezes fan and serenade
her, practicing battements tendus.

Yes, I think that kind of flows better than glissade dessous.

I'm changing the 'she' to 'her' to avoid the close repeat of 'she'

Thanks Jim, so gald you called here.

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
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Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Oct 31 10, 06:52
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Oct 30 10, 22:15 ) *
QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Oct 30 10, 22:47 ) *
Hi, Snow,

just popping in briefly. Congrats on the nomination. I've posted a link to a site which may help with the 'battements' issue - look at the reference to 'battements tendus'. I think you could rewrite that line to 'she shows off her (or 'practices') battements tendus'.
Jim

http://www.artofballet.com/class2.html


Hey Jim

I've missed you of late. I look forwad to your expert comments. I am so pleased you have come to help with this as I have missed my battements LOL!

I could change to:

as breezes fan and serenade
her, practicing battements tendus.

Yes, I think that kind of flows better than glissade dessous.

I'm changing the 'she' to 'her' to avoid the close repeat of 'she'

Thanks Jim, so gald you called here.

Snow Snowflake.gif


Hi again, Snow,

lost my router for 10 days then a bout of bronchitis, back now though. Glad if I helped but not sure you can go with
QUOTE
her, practicing battements tendus.
as it looks like it's the breeze practicing - while that would be very poetic, don't think it's what you intend here. I would use a little poetic licence and make the reader hear 3 syllables in 'batt-e-ments' by settling for 'practiced' rather than 'practicing'. Use or lose of course.
Jim
 
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