|
|
|
Dog-Days, Revised |
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 21 06, 01:35
|
Guest
|
This has been adapted from a 10 X challenge.
Dog-Days (revised, thanks everyone)
Strolling country lanes, with my dog Nightcap – days bleed into tomorrow.
With each hill climbed; every valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experience.
I no longer dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer, raping my soul.
I move onwards to contentment.
Dog-Days (Original)
Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow.
With each hill climbed; each valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul.
I step onwards into contentment.
copyright Nina 2006
|
|
|
|
Guest_Cathy_*
|
Aug 21 06, 09:23
|
Guest
|
Hi Nina!
I enjoyed reading this. You've done a great job with the ten words and I can't really see anything that I would change.
Cathy
Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow. Clever way to use 'dog-days' *smiles*
With each hill climbed; each valley descended, Emulating the ups and downs of life... I like this. stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences. Good lines!
No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul. Great imagery!
I step onwards into contentment. Maybe 'forward' instead of 'onwards'?
No nits Nina, a good write! Cathy
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 21 06, 11:26
|
Ornate Oracle
Group: Centurion
Posts: 4,592
Joined: 31-October 03
From: New Jersey
Member No.: 39
Real Name: John
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Larry Carr
|
Nina, A nice effort.
I liked these two lines, even though my subconscious keeps interjecting the word strains, but the image you are portraying makes it a better fit for your use of stains
stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
JLY
······· ·······
Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 21 06, 16:12
|
Babylonian
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 137
Joined: 18-August 06
Member No.: 213
Real Name: Rene Schwiesow
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Daniel Ricketts
|
QUOTE(Nina @ Aug 21 06, 02:35 ) [snapback]81606[/snapback] This has been adapted from a 10 X challenge.
Before I forget. . .the Desiderata has been a favorite of mine, oft quoted, oft referenced, for 30 some odd years. . .nice to see your quote. . .
Dog-Days
Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow.
Wow. . .can all of the healing be achieved on one walk? I might avoid using "my dog". . .possibly just Nightcap. . .or something along the lines of Nightcap wagging at my heels or something similar that would allude to the dog without having to say "my dog". . .and not sure days is a descriptive enough word for what seems to be "on the mind" at the time of the walk. . .maybe traumas. . .cutting memories. . .etc.
With each hill climbed; each valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
The semi-colon should be replaced with a comma. . .as you are not connecting two sentences. . .possilby simply "stains fade". . .bleach seems a tad strong to me. . .but it may be exactly what you wish to happen. . .
No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul.
I'd end this poem right here. . .no real need for the last line. It does seem to me that this poem could be longer. . .could be a part of a whole. . .because to "heal" in these three short stanzas. . .is probably not quite the way it went. . .maybe this was the walk that you realized you'd completed all the soul work necessary to move forward. . .
Wish my psychologically traumatized Reiki clients could make the connection it appears you've made here. . .and heal much more quickly.
Nice read. . .
~Ren~
I step onwards into contentment.
copyright Nina 2006
······· ·······
MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 21 06, 18:33
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
|
Hi Nina -- another good one from you. Walking the dog can be therapeutic.
Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow.
I love the image of 'days bleed into tomorrow'
With each hill climbed; each valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
You could have 'every hill climbed' to avoid the repeat of each.
No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul.
L1 -- seems a bit awkward ... perhaps I no longer dream
Not much to nit here Nina.
Snow
I step onwards into contentment.
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 22 06, 03:03
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
|
Good morning Nina,
I haven’t had time to venture into all the challenges lately so I come to this as a fresh poem and not an adaptation, (which is probably the best way to view it IMHO.)
Dog-Days
I take it that this was one of the set phrases? How very appropriate it is to this poem Nina, as they are long summer days when nothing much happens! It sets the tone to the serenity you are recapturing in the poem.
Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow.
Clever split of the hyphenated word to give it an entirely different meaning.
With each hill climbed; each valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
L4 I feel the word ‘fresh’ is not quite right Nina, maybe replace with something like calmer/gladder/happier ~ something to counter-balance harrowing maybe?
No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul.
L4 maybe possessing instead of raping. Seems a little more appropriate to the tone of the poem.
I step onwards into contentment.
I ‘move onwards’ or ‘I step forwards’ ?
The whole tone delights me. Nina in a cheerful mood!
(Pleased to hear the dog is called Nightcap and not Nightmare!)
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 22 06, 05:36
|
Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
|
Hi Nina. This is a wonderful poem mused from the times ten! I DO agree that the slight changes from the original poem here work better too! Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, {my} dog – days bleed into tomorrow. I think the reader might be able to conclude that 'Nightcap' is a dog, so suggest deleting the word 'my'. LOVE dog-days bleed into tomorrow and the break of the phrase into two lines! With each hill climbed; {each} valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, {bleached} [hazed] by fresh experiences. Harrowing is strong, I also offer a play on the word, 'harrow-filled'. When I think of summer, in addition to 'bleach' I also think of haze (humidity). So I offer hazed as an alternate for its dual meaning, haze as in atmospheric moisture and as in to harrass and for the alliterative to 'harrowing'.No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul. My favorite stanza!I step onwards {into} [sighting] contentment. Sighting, revealing, immersing or captivated by is offered to mean 'discovering'.
Well done Nina! ~Cleo
······· ·······
"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
|
|
|
|
|
Aug 22 06, 07:29
|
Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
|
Hi Nina, I rather like the peaceful feeling I get from the narrator and how, although unspoken in the poem, life seems to be falling into place. There is both hope and acceptance here. Some Further thoughts to follow... Hugs, Liz QUOTE Dog-Days
Good title. I like the dual meaning. It works on both levels pertaining to the poem as well.
Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow.
I love the image of the narrator walking in the country, dog by his/her side and the duality of the word Nightcap is perfect.
Would you consider strolling country lanes,
With each hill climbed; each valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
Perhaps...
Each hill climbed; a valley descends, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences.
No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul.
Perhaps... No longer do dreams of evil, cloaked in glittering respectability, nor a snake-headed charmer rape my soul.
I step onwards into contentment. I like the contrast between onwards/into Nice ending. I especially liked the positive ending line, and how the narrator seems to be finding his/her own way...
copyright Nina 2006
······· ·······
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 24 06, 23:47
|
Guest
|
Hi Cathy QUOTE I enjoyed reading this. You've done a great job with the ten words and I can't really see anything that I would change. thanks very much. Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 24 06, 23:48
|
Guest
|
Hi John QUOTE I liked these two lines, even though my subconscious keeps interjecting the word strains, but the image you are portraying makes it a better fit for your use of stains Yes, stains fits better what I wish to say. thanks very much Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 24 06, 23:52
|
Guest
|
Hi Ren Firstly, a very warm welcome to MM. I hope you enjoy your time on here. QUOTE Before I forget. . .the Desiderata has been a favorite of mine, oft quoted, oft referenced, for 30 some odd years. . .nice to see your quote. . Thanks I’ve always really loved the message of Desiderata and try (but don’t always succeed to aspire to his words). Another favourite of mine is Khalil Kibran. Reading him is very calming. QUOTE Wow. . .can all of the healing be achieved on one walk? Well, it wasn’t just one walk. The line “days bleed into tomorrow” is meant to show time passing. The thought in my mind was that the narrator is wandering around the country, no ties, no responsibilities, a kind of freedom. QUOTE I might avoid using "my dog". . .possibly just Nightcap. . .or something along the lines of Nightcap wagging at my heels or something similar that would allude to the dog without having to say "my dog". . .and not sure days is a descriptive enough word for what seems to be "on the mind" at the time of the walk. . .maybe traumas. . .cutting memories. . .etc This came from a 10 X challenge and dog-days was one of the words. I’m not sure why you suggest avoiding using “my dog” though I realise it could be rephrased as “my dog Nightcap”. I like the line “days bleed into tomorrow” and I hoped it would give the sense of time passing. QUOTE The semi-colon should be replaced with a comma. . .as you are not connecting two sentences. yes, I agree. QUOTE . .possilby simply "stains fade". . .bleach seems a tad strong to me. . .but it may be exactly what you wish to happen. . . I do wish that to happen. QUOTE I'd end this poem right here. . .no real need for the last line. I’ll think about it. QUOTE It does seem to me that this poem could be longer. . .could be a part of a whole. . .because to "heal" in these three short stanzas. . .is probably not quite the way it went. . .maybe this was the walk that you realized you'd completed all the soul work necessary to move forward. . . QUOTE It’s not a walk I personally have ever taken or needed to take, thankfully. I don’t even have a dog. Wish my psychologically traumatized Reiki clients could make the connection it appears you've made here. . .and heal much more quickly. QUOTE I don’t think my MC found it particularly easy but the pain became easier and the nightmares went away. Physical and mental distance was put between the MC and her memories. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 24 06, 23:55
|
Guest
|
Hi Snow QUOTE Hi Nina -- another good one from you. Walking the dog can be therapeutic. thanks very much. I’m reliably told how therapeutic und understanding dogs can be. I’ve never had one. QUOTE I love the image of 'days bleed into tomorrow' Thanks QUOTE You could have 'every hill climbed' to avoid the repeat of each. Yes, I quite like that QUOTE L1 -- seems a bit awkward ... perhaps I no longer dream Yes, it will be changed. Thanks very much for your time and suggestions. Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 25 06, 00:06
|
Guest
|
Morning Grace QUOTE I haven’t had time to venture into all the challenges lately so I come to this as a fresh poem and not an adaptation, (which is probably the best way to view it IMHO.) I agree QUOTE Dog-Days
I take it that this was one of the set phrases? How very appropriate it is to this poem Nina, as they are long summer days when nothing much happens! It sets the tone to the serenity you are recapturing in the poem. thank you QUOTE Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, my dog – days bleed into tomorrow.
Clever split of the hyphenated word to give it an entirely different meaning. Yes, I didn’t want to use it in the standard way. QUOTE With each hill climbed; each valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade,
bleached by fresh experiences. L4 I feel the word ‘fresh’ is not quite right Nina, maybe replace with something like calmer/gladder/happier ~ something to counter-balance harrowing maybe? I’m trying to say that newer, different experiences fill the MC’s mind, helping to push the more awful memories further back in her mind. Calmer/gladder/happier doesn’t quite say the same thing QUOTE No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul.
L4 maybe possessing instead of raping. Seems a little more appropriate to the tone of the poem. Here I wanted a very strong contrast to the calmness of the rest of the poem. There is also the hint in raping as to what the MC is escaping from. QUOTE I step onwards into contentment.
I ‘move onwards’ or ‘I step forwards’ ? Move onwards would work quite well, thanks. QUOTE The whole tone delights me. Nina in a cheerful mood!
LOL, make the most of me in a cheerful mood. Doesn’t happen often. QUOTE (Pleased to hear the dog is called Nightcap and not Nightmare!) LOL, Nightcap was one of the ten words. I thought it was a cute name for a dog. As for nightmare, I have enough of those for real. Thanks very much Grace Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 25 06, 00:10
|
Guest
|
Hi Lori QUOTE This is a wonderful poem mused from the times ten! I DO agree that the slight changes from the original poem here work better too! Thank you QUOTE Walking country lanes, with Nightcap, {my} dog – days bleed into tomorrow. I think the reader might be able to conclude that 'Nightcap' is a dog, so suggest deleting the word 'my'. LOVE dog-days bleed into tomorrow and the break of the phrase into two lines! I’m not sure that there is enough information for the reader to conclude Nightcap is a dog. Actually it should be “days bleed into tomorrow” and dog-days was deliberately split to change the meaning and break the phrase. QUOTE With each hill climbed; {each} valley descended, stains of harrowing memories fade, {bleached} [hazed] by fresh experiences. Harrowing is strong, I also offer a play on the word, 'harrow-filled'. When I think of summer, in addition to 'bleach' I also think of haze (humidity). So I offer hazed as an alternate for its dual meaning, haze as in atmospheric moisture and as in to harrass and for the alliterative to 'harrowing'.[/ b] I like strong words. Bleach relates to fade and stains, so I’d like to keep it. QUOTE No longer do I dream of evil cloaked in glittering respectability nor a snake-headed charmer raping my soul. [b]My favorite stanza! Thank you QUOTE I step onwards {into} [sighting] contentment. Sighting, revealing, immersing or captivated by is offered to mean 'discovering'. I wanted the movement from one place to another; from unhappiness to contentment. I don’t think sighting is quite what I want to say. Thanks very much for reading and commenting. Nina
|
|
|
|
Guest_Nina_*
|
Aug 25 06, 00:13
|
Guest
|
Hi Liz QUOTE I rather like the peaceful feeling I get from the narrator and how, although unspoken in the poem, life seems to be falling into place. There is both hope and acceptance here. Thank you QUOTE Good title. I like the dual meaning. It works on both levels pertaining to the poem as well. Thanks, I hoped it would.
I love the image of the narrator walking in the country, dog by his/her side and the duality of the word Nightcap is perfect.
Would you consider strolling country lanes, I would consider strolling. Walking was one of the ten words, which is why I used it but I’m happy to lose them. QUOTE Perhaps...
Each hill climbed; a valley descends, stains of harrowing memories fade, bleached by fresh experiences. Thanks for the suggestion. I may change this verse slightly , replacing one of the “each” with “every” as I want a sense of slowness, timelessness. QUOTE Perhaps... No longer do dreams of evil, cloaked in glittering respectability, nor a snake-headed charmer rape my soul. Again, I have changed this verse slightly but I do want to keep it as the snake-headed charmer raping the MC’s soul rather than the dreams. QUOTE I like the contrast between onwards/into Nice ending. I especially liked the positive ending line, and how the narrator seems to be finding his/her own way... Thank you. For once, I wanted it to be a positive ending. Thanks for reading and commenting. Nina
|
|
|
|
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:
|
|
Read our FLYERS - click below
Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning
your writings. ENJOY!
|
|
|
|