QUOTE (Alan @ Aug 17 10, 13:23 )
Dear Jim,
I placed a response to this over at BC yesterday.
Love
Alan
Hi, Alan,
BC doesn't lend itself to editing.
Have copied and pasted your response here.
QUOTE
Dear Jim,
I was not expecting this !
Coupla offerings tho, for you to use or laugh at :
the lonely’s search for more; : Eleanor's search for more;
who yearned for greatness and
the lonely’s search for more;
and then you conquered foreign shores - : soon then you conquered - too many and in 3 lines ?
brought foolish thoughts though –too unkind? : extra space after -
but you explored your feelings to the brink! : as you explored your feelings to the brink!
an Apple rotten at the core; add semi-c ?
and splintered at the root. : tree splintered at the root.
But Yoko stroked your ego, kept you strong : Ms Yoko ? - too many but and and generally in poem ?
to get along; but one won’t hear a thing. : to get along; one wouldn’t hear a thing. ?
My goodness, take or toss, but I hope you win either way !
Love
Alan
On Eleanor, I can understand why you offered that (one of my personal favourites) but even in that Father Mackenzie is in the same boat, then there's
Lady Maddona. On the 'ands', I was trying to move the reader through this quickly and don't think there are too many overall in the poem. That said, I can avoid it here, will edit to 'from there'. The space after the hyphen, done. thank you. On the 'as you explored..', I wanted to answer the 'too unkind?' of the previous line but have used 'Yet' to do the same job I hope.
QUOTE
an Apple rotten at the core; add semi-c ?
and splintered at the root. : tree splintered at the root.
I couldn't use that semi there, it splits up the image I want to paint; the 'core' is all four Beatles and the 'root' is John and Paul. I have substituted 'to' for 'at' there to make that connection easier I hope.
QUOTE
But Yoko stroked your ego, kept you strong : Ms Yoko ? - too many but and and generally in poem ?
On your general point about too many 'but' and 'and', I have edited a few out; Have used 'Your Yoko' there as well.
to get along; but one won’t hear a thing. : to get along; one wouldn’t hear a thing. ?
QUOTE
Yes, I like that, thank you will edit now. Unfortunately, the first draft will have to take its chances in the competition, already e-mailed it off. Thanks for dropping by, always appreciated,
Jim