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bombadil1247
I want to put my thanks to Larry on record again. His link to the Lennon Memorial contest in Last Lyric inspired this. I'm trying to mimic a lyric in this, to make you hear music playing and have you sing along. More on the form at Karnak's.


My Lennon

The early days with Mimi set the scene
for come and see me; in between,
your Julia was heard
in every joke you told;
you taught your teachers how to scold
but never would retract a single word.

You Quarried Ain’t She Sweet in Hamburg bars,
then cut the record; not quite stars,
you came back home to play.
The Cavern dancing hall
watched rockers, mods and beatniks fall
beneath your spell; The Beatles held full sway.

The Charts reflected glory, every week
they told your stories of the meek
who yearned for greatness and
the lonely’s search for more;
from there you conquered foreign shores -
The Beatles music, loved in every land.

The Krisha years were crazy; lots of fun,
they made you lazy, everyone
but George was taken in.
No Baby anymore
he let his inspiration soar;
a better man than you then, Gunga Din.

That’s when the break-up started, by your leave;
too many parties, I believe,
and far too much to drink.
Those drugs to free your mind
brought foolish thoughts though – too unkind?
Yet you explored your feelings to the brink!

The arguments that followed were a bore,
an Apple rotten to the core
and splintered at the root.
Paul won but we lost out,
though Yesterday may Twist and Shout
that partnership was over, dead, kaput.

Your Yoko stroked your ego, kept you strong
and helped you find a truer song,
one both of you could sing.
You told all men to love
each other, promised that’s enough
to get along; one wouldn’t hear a thing.

He shot you on the sidewalk late at night,
took umbrage at imagined slight
and stole your voice away -
a silence I feel still
and I suppose I always will
until I hear the Heavenly choir some day.

I’m sure you’ll go on writing, Heaven’s halls
need angel music after all.
Now you can act as Muse;
pluck chords from your guitar,
compose new songs to charm the stars
and rock the constellations as you choose.
Alan
Dear Jim,

I placed a response to this over at BC yesterday.

Love
Alan
bombadil1247
QUOTE (Alan @ Aug 17 10, 13:23 ) *
Dear Jim,

I placed a response to this over at BC yesterday.

Love
Alan


Hi, Alan,

BC doesn't lend itself to editing. grinning.gif
Have copied and pasted your response here.

QUOTE
Dear Jim,

I was not expecting this !

Coupla offerings tho, for you to use or laugh at :

the lonely’s search for more; : Eleanor's search for more;

who yearned for greatness and
the lonely’s search for more;
and then you conquered foreign shores - : soon then you conquered - too many and in 3 lines ?

brought foolish thoughts though –too unkind? : extra space after -
but you explored your feelings to the brink! : as you explored your feelings to the brink!

an Apple rotten at the core; add semi-c ?
and splintered at the root. : tree splintered at the root.

But Yoko stroked your ego, kept you strong : Ms Yoko ? - too many but and and generally in poem ?

to get along; but one won’t hear a thing. : to get along; one wouldn’t hear a thing. ?

My goodness, take or toss, but I hope you win either way !

Love
Alan


On Eleanor, I can understand why you offered that (one of my personal favourites) but even in that Father Mackenzie is in the same boat, then there's Lady Maddona. On the 'ands', I was trying to move the reader through this quickly and don't think there are too many overall in the poem. That said, I can avoid it here, will edit to 'from there'. The space after the hyphen, done. thank you. On the 'as you explored..', I wanted to answer the 'too unkind?' of the previous line but have used 'Yet' to do the same job I hope.

QUOTE
an Apple rotten at the core; add semi-c ?
and splintered at the root. : tree splintered at the root.
I couldn't use that semi there, it splits up the image I want to paint; the 'core' is all four Beatles and the 'root' is John and Paul. I have substituted 'to' for 'at' there to make that connection easier I hope.

QUOTE
But Yoko stroked your ego, kept you strong : Ms Yoko ? - too many but and and generally in poem ?
On your general point about too many 'but' and 'and', I have edited a few out; Have used 'Your Yoko' there as well.

to get along; but one won’t hear a thing. : to get along; one wouldn’t hear a thing. ?
QUOTE
Yes, I like that, thank you will edit now. Unfortunately, the first draft will have to take its chances in the competition, already e-mailed it off. Thanks for dropping by, always appreciated,
Jim
JLY
Jim,
I am not familiar with the form, so I will have to read up on it.

First things first. From an historical perspective you seem to have everything running in proper sequence and the events you have detailed are on target.

The sing along aspect didn't quite resonate with me at my first run through; I was focusing more on the content and not the melody.

Your final verse is a bit wishful thinking / pie in the sky...wouldn't we all want something like that to be said about us:

I’m sure you’ll go on writing, Heaven’s halls
need angel music after all.
Now you can act as Muse;
pluck chords from your guitar,
compose new songs to charm the stars
and rock the constellations as you choose.


I for one, hope that John is writing new tunes for us to enjoy some day when we join him.

JLY
[size="3"]
Eisa
I want to put my thanks to Larry on record again. His link to the Lennon Memorial contest in Last Lyric inspired this. I'm trying to mimic a lyric in this, to make you hear music playing and have you sing along. More on the form at Karnak's.

You have succeeded Jim, I certainly heard the music in this.

I'll be back when I have more time to concentrate on the content.

Snow Snowflake.gif
bombadil1247
QUOTE (JLY @ Aug 18 10, 12:09 ) *
Jim,
I am not familiar with the form, so I will have to read up on it.

First things first. From an historical perspective you seem to have everything running in proper sequence and the events you have detailed are on target.

The sing along aspect didn't quite resonate with me at my first run through; I was focusing more on the content and not the melody.

Your final verse is a bit wishful thinking / pie in the sky...wouldn't we all want something like that to be said about us:

I’m sure you’ll go on writing, Heaven’s halls
need angel music after all.
Now you can act as Muse;
pluck chords from your guitar,
compose new songs to charm the stars
and rock the constellations as you choose.


I for one, hope that John is writing new tunes for us to enjoy some day when we join him.

JLY
[size="3"]


Hi, JLY,

On the form, as I say I was trying to 'marry' Poesy and Music since it is his lyrics that we will all remember. The history comes from pesonal memory and a few (4) books gifted to me over the years. I omitted references to their American adventures because a) I didn't experience those and b) I'd started courting in earnest by that time and four lads from Liverpool were the farthest thing from my mind then. That last verse, given my decision to focus on the history this was the only verse where I could say my own goodbye and those thoughts were uppermost in my mind. Wishful thinking maybe, but 'optimism' is the word I most associate with JL - he was always so sure of our higher nature.
Jim
bombadil1247
QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 21 10, 15:58 ) *
I want to put my thanks to Larry on record again. His link to the Lennon Memorial contest in Last Lyric inspired this. I'm trying to mimic a lyric in this, to make you hear music playing and have you sing along. More on the form at Karnak's.

You have succeeded Jim, I certainly heard the music in this.

I'll be back when I have more time to concentrate on the content.

Snow Snowflake.gif

Hi, Snow,

thanks for stopping by, your visits are always appreciated - as are your lovely comments,
Jim
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