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> Rhine River Tour, My thanks to Mark, Eira, and Sylvia
Guest_ohsteve_*
post May 12 09, 12:53
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Rhine River Tour

Revised

A gentle mist rises from the river;
daylight arrived an hour ago,
but old Sol likes to take his time
climbing those vine-covered mounts.

Soon the guide calls us aboard
we wend our way upstream,
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

Just around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks its' crenelations over
sharp-sided crags and clinging bush.

Lines and rows of vineyards
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.

Aromas' of wurst, pommes frites;
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout ...

"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

May 12, 2009/ revised Jun 4, 2009
© Steve Pray

Original

A gentle mist from the river rises;
daylight arrived a hour ago,
but old sol likes to take his time
climbing those vine covered mounts.

Soon the guide calls us to board
we wend our way up stream,
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

Just around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks it’s crenelations over
sharp sided crags and clinging bush.

Lines and rows of vineyards
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.

Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits;
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout a question...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

May 12, 2009
© Steve Pray
 
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vessq
post May 12 09, 19:59
Post #2


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Hi Steve,

This is a really good poem. There are several lovely images here. Vineyards pushing toes into soil is great. Children pointing and laughing at silly people who ride the river is telling. We seldom appreciate our own natural wonders.

I am working on new parking lot construction at the Grand Canyon. People come from all over the world to see this place. I have lived a few hours drive from it in Southern Colorado for over 60 years and had never bothered to visit.

I have only one suggestion for the poem. I would prefer (A gentle mist rises from the river)

Good work,

Vess
 
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Guest_ohsteve_*
post May 14 09, 09:21
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Vess, I am glad you caught that under appreciation for our own backyard wonders. I lived just twelve miles from Longfellows house for 19 years and never once visited. My wife grew up in Cambridge, England and yet the only time she has been through London was going to and from Heathrow Airport. I have seen more things there than she has. I think the tour was more enjoyable to me because I didn't have to drive and pay attention to the road, I got to see more than I did while traveling elsewhere. I am sure the Grand Canyon is very beautiful, but the one I would like to see first hand is the one in Valley Marinaris on Mars.

Steve
 
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Marc-Andre Germa...
post May 14 09, 11:27
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I've enjoyed this Steve, the children stanza is especially endearing. I've got a few nits though:


Rhine River Tour

A gentle mist from the river rises;
>>considering that you're not using rhymes here makes it harder to accept the syntactic inversions; why not "A gentle mist rises from the river;" ?
daylight arrived a hour ago, >>>an hour
but old sol likes to take his time >>I believe that Sol the sun needs a capital 'S' as opposed to 'sol' the scale note.
climbing those vine covered mounts.>> vine-covered (hyphen) ?

Soon the guide calls us to board
we wend our way up stream,
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

Just around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks it’s crenelations over
sharp sided crags and clinging bush. >>sharp-sided ?

Lines and rows of vineyards
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.

Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits; >>If my memory serves me right, German has the same spelling as French: pommes frites
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout a question...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

I hope this helps.

Mark


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Psyche
post May 22 09, 20:02
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Hi Steve!
I like this poem! Altho' I haven't taken exactly the same tour, I know what you mean. Lovely imagery & movement, with well-chosen words. Let's see now: (TorT)



A gentle mist from the river rises; <<<<<<I don't think the verb inversion works well here. One gets the feeling you're going to write a sonnet..!

daylight arrived a hour ago, <<<<<<<<<<<< 'an'
but old sol likes to take his time <<<<<<<<< I'm not sure whether your familiarity with 'old sol' is a good idea,
Steve. Sol should use Caps, but maybe you could also find a better word than 'old' for a qualifier? Perhaps 'serene', 'staid', 'placid', 'unruffled'....Or just say 'sun' with some good adjective? TotT..!


climbing those vine covered mounts. <<<<<<< lovely!

Soon the guide calls us to board <<<<<< aboard? with comma?
we wend our way up stream, <<<< upstream?
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

Just around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks it’s crenelations over <<<<<<<< possessive 'its'
sharp sided crags and clinging bush. <<<<<< hyphenate 'sharp-sided'?

Beautiful stanza!

Lines and rows of vineyards <<<Aren't lines & rows the same thing?
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois. <<<<<<< I like this!

Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits; <<<<< 'Aromas' for plural
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Good S, altho' the sudden introduction of beer (after all the talk of vineyards), dunno....

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout a question...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

Really good last 2S, Steve! Just so! I love the whole poem. Please toss out whatever I've critted, at will...


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Guest_ohsteve_*
post May 25 09, 10:03
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Mark and Sylvia, Thank you for your read and the great comments... I can see changes here...but will be back to do a revision....
Steve
 
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Eisa
post May 29 09, 04:05
Post #7


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Hi Steve

I like this - it conjures up a beautiful scene. Very well written ... but I'll see if I have any suggestions.


Rhine River Tour

A gentle mist from the river rises;
daylight arrived an hour ago,
but old Sol likes to take his time
climbing those vine covered mounts.

L1 - I would prefer not to have the inversion at the start
A gentle mist rises from the river;

I like your use of words old/sol ... time/climb/vine


Soon the guide calls us to board
we wend our way upstream,
cool waters bow away in a white wave,
ripples lap at the banks.

[Just] Around the next bend an ancient
castle peeks it’s crenelations over
sharp sided crags and clinging bush.

Lines and rows of vineyards
push toes into alkali soil,
too soon to become wine;
you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.

Lines & rows mean much the same - keep rows as it sounds good with toes

Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits;
and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh,
and shout a question...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."

We can see the last line is a question, so I'd miss out last but one line.

Perhaps

Children fishing on the shore point,
laugh and shout ...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."


Looking at scenes
they have seen
all their lives.

Great ending stanza ... love scenes/seen. It's true of many wonderful places, the locals don't see the beauty when they see it every day.

Very Good Steve

Snow Snowflake.gif


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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jun 4 09, 20:36
Post #8





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To Answer Snow and Sylvia, yes it is a land of lots of vineyards especially along the rivers, but I was more of a beer drinker, than a wine drinker. So I drank beer and also if I remember correctly they didn't offer wine for sale on the boat just beer or soft drinks.

As for rows and lines being the same yea, well maybe... I guess its more the way the vines are planted, looked at one way they are rows going up and down, looked at another way they are lines going across, or vice versa, and they are both at the same time. If you have a 100x100 block of dots on a page are they rows/lines/columns/ ? sometimes the vineyards were fan shaped, narrow at the top wide at the bottom, sometimes they followed the contour of the land... not sure how else to say it... anyway more suggestions anyone.

Steve
 
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