Black Widow, The black widow spider is similiar in some aspects to a femme fatal Options

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Black Widow.


Darkness tells of
deepest sighs,
of fear and pain
of hissing cries.

Shadows move
amid the night,
evil hides
just out of sight.

Creeping coldness
scores his skin,
Breath hangs frozen
death moves in.

Darkly cloaked
with veiled eyes,
Grinning lips
Emit goodbye.

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear princessdreams,

The text is loosely tied to the title allowing at least two other titles such as "Brown Recluse" and "Scorpion."

"Shadows move amid the night" is a nice phrase, which applies more to scorpions than spiders that prefer dark places like under rocks. Of course, this may be a metaphor for the venum.

Did you want lines one and twelve to end in prepositions?

Longer lines may lend more impact.

Thanks for the read.

Don

[Merlin]

Hello pd,

I live in Canada's desert and am familiar with the black widow. Some years, when the weather is right, we have no shortage of them.

To your poem: from a personal point of view, I don't like the short lines. Here, I actually see no reason why the lines are short as it's not a requirement for rhyme, and reading is actually rhymed, end-stopped couplets. A line-break indicates some sort of pause, but I can't establish a reason for pausing after L1, fer example. However, that does not mean you must change your format - it's simply my own preference.

I'm equally unsure why you've chosen to capitalize V3L3, V4L3+4, but not others. Is it a web you've woven to lure us in?

Best

Merlin

[heartsong7]

Black Widow.


Darkness tells of
deepest sighs,
of fear and pain
of hissing cries.

Shadows move
amid the night,
evil hides
just out of sight.

Creeping coldness
scores his skin,
Breath hangs frozen
death moves in.

Darkly cloaked
with veiled eyes,
Grinning lips
Emit goodbye.

Hi PD and welcome!
ooooh, chilling little piece.
You have a very good ear for meter and rhyme.
I think, in this case the short lines add to the effect of the crisp phrasings.
In the last stanza you are using rhymes that pair with the first stanza's "sighs/cries" That may be your intent, but if so... eyes and goodbye are not true rhymes. I don't mind slant rhymes but in a short poem, where all others are true, I think it's distracting. Why not try for another pair and mention something that might give more clue as to who she is.
Maybe something in this vein:
Her hour glass
of red revealed,
no chance his fate
would be appealed.

justathought.
I enjoyed this little jewel.
Sue

[Alan]

Dear Theresa,

Yup, she had her wicked way with him, twice !

Coupla minor points, some echoing your other visitors. Feel free to adopt, adapt or ignore !

Darkness tells
of deepest sighs, - prep moved ?
of fear and pain
of hissing cries. - poss AND hissing ?

Shadows move
amid the night, - amid ? how about within ?
evil hides - while evil hides ?
just out of sight.

Creeping coldness
scores his skin, - do you mean scours ?
Breath hangs frozen - no cap ?
death moves in.

Darkly cloaked
with veiled eyes, - needs a 4th syll - how about HOODED ?
Grinning lips - no cap ? - poss sated lips ? Somehow I don't see spiders as grinning !
Emit goodbye. - no cap ? and why not goddbyeS ? to make perfect rhyme?

Here is the whole thing with all my ideas and with edit marks removed:

Darkness tells
of deepest sighs,
of fear and pain
and hissing cries.

Shadows move
within the night,
while evil hides
just out of sight.

Creeping coldness
scours his skin,
breath hangs frozen,
death moves in.

Darkly cloaked
with hooded eyes,
her sated lips
emit goodbye.

[Mistral]

Hi PD,

I see you've received some great pointers, just want to add that I like the sinister feeling I got from your poem.
Lovely!

Hugs,
M

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Theresa,

such a wickedly ... fun poem!

I have made some notations below to abbreviate the poem a bit - just remember to take what you like and toss what you don't (T or T).

Enjoyed!
~Cleo


[add] {delete}

Darkness tells of *alternate: Darkness imparts
deepest sighs,
{of} fear and pain[;]
{of} hissing cries.

Shadows move
{amid} [among] the night{,}[;]
evil {hides} [lurks] –alternate for evil: malevolence
just out of sight.

Creeping coldness
scores his skin{,}[;]
breath hangs frozen [-] (no cap)
death moves in.

Darkly cloaked
{with veiled} [behind death’s] eyes, *cloak and veil are so close in meaning
{grinning} [sated] lips
emit goodbye.

without all the bits:

Darkness imparts
deepest sighs,
fear and pain;
hissing cries.

Shadows move
among the night;
malevolence lurks
just out of sight.

Creeping coldness
scores his skin;
breath hangs frozen -
death moves in.

Darkly cloaked
behind death’s eyes,
sated lips
emit goodbye.

[AMETHYST]

Hello Theresa,

I could have swore I posted to this already, I must have it somewhere on my desktop with a dozen others and thought I posted it but hadn't... anyway- I like this. I do think that what would improve it over all is a steady, constant line length... and in my opinion, your chosen diameter is a perfect choice.

Some thoughts to tighten the meter up through out and some word choice suggestions... Please use what is right for your poem and discard the rest...


Best Wishes, Liz

Black Widow.

The title I think serves best in this instance when the subject (Black Widow) is never repeated through out the poem, as you have done here. It gives the title purpose and strengthens the details that follow. Good choice.

Darkness tells of
deepest sighs,
of fear and pain
of hissing cries.

In this opening stanza of such short verse, (12 words) and out of that 'of' is used 3 times... that weakens the hook for a reader. Perhaps ...

Her darkness speaks
in deepest sighs,
of fear and pain
with hissing cries.

Shadows move
amid the night,
evil hides
just out of sight.

A little touch up to tighten line length ...

As shadows move
among the night
this evil hides
just out of sight.

Creeping coldness
scores his skin,
Breath hangs frozen
death moves in.

The creepy cold
can score his skin,
breath hangs frozen
while death moves in.

Darkly cloaked
with veiled eyes,
Grinning lips
Emit goodbye.

So darkly cloaked
with veiled-pierced eyes
as grinning lips
emit goodbyes.




Again, the only suggestions I've offered for each stanza is to tighten it up line length wise, which gives a smoother read IMO ... otherwise, I felt the imagery is strong and the poems leads to the duality of both the hidden world of the black widow, while also layers a meaning between a relationship or lover who is like this black widow...

This was my take on it and I felt that duality gives the poem a more intensified conclusion...

Best Wishes, Liz

[Mary Boren]

Hello Princess, and welcome. Are you still here? If you're interested in further comments on this poem, I will have some for you on your return.

Mary