 A Day...At Rest |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Aug 14 03, 07:54
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry  |
Above
a flag eases in the sun. A warriors last dream has run. Mourners file in one by one. Words of silence have begun. Ink stained parchment wets the eyes. Silver birches breathe sighs. Dreamtime blue Australian skies. Unheard sounds mouth last goodbyes. Arnfinn ·······  ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner         |
  
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| Guest_Zeus˛_* |
Aug 14 03, 08:07
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#2
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Arn,
is that a typo in the title, hard to decipher.Like this somber memorial service for a fallen warrior.In S1L5 should the line read as mourners file in one by Good imagery. Larry z2 |
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Aug 14 03, 20:36
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#3
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Larry.
Yeah! The title should read A Day......At Rest. Also did some editing..........Posted poem llate at night. I dont know how to change the title? Thanks for reading and commenting. Have to fly.............But i'll be back...I've got make a few replies to other poetry Regards, Arnie ······· ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 14 03, 20:46
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#4
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Gotcha! :StarWars1:
I updated the title for ya! Looks good? :pharoah2 Cheers! 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner     |
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Aug 15 03, 00:51
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#5
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks Cleo
 Everything looks great: read: now.  Arnie :blues:   :piggy: :pharoah2
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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| Guest__* |
Aug 15 03, 16:47
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#6
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Dear Arnfinn
Somber. Because this is well-crafted and a clear communication, I'm going to nitpick. All offerings to be had or chucked, just in case any of my ideas chime with you. I mark * where I've made a suggestion. Above A* flag eases in the sun,* *lazes ? The* warrior'*s last dream has run. Mourners file in,* one by one,* Words of silence have begun. Ink stained parchment wets the eyes. Silver birches breathe their* sighs* (you need an extra syllable for your rhythm) Under* dreamtime blue Australian skies,* Unheard sounds mouth last goodbyes. Without edit marks : Above A flag lazes in the sun, The warrior's last dream has run. Mourners file in, one by one, Words of silence have begun. Ink stained parchment wets the eyes. Silver birches breathe their sighs Under dreamtime blue Australian skies, Unheard sounds mouth last goodbyes. May I suggest reading the poem to yourself ALOUD several times - you'll soon see where there are any glitches, and where you need a comma etc. In one or two places I've changed a dot for a comma, or straight run-thru, to see if that makes it flow easier. Hope I've helped. if not, ditch everything I've said ! Love Alan |
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Aug 16 03, 01:21
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#7
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Alan
I, thank you for reading my piece and for you comments. The poem is a monody,(a poem lamenting a persons death) The usual idea, is to restrict punctuation, so the solmn ocassion can be read with meter and reverence. I originally had 'silver birche trees breathing sighs ' because "breathing" made the verse flow better, however, breathing is grammatically incorrect. Whereas "breathe" is correct grammatically, it adds a one syylable modifier before ........."sighs" Thank you once again for taking an interest. Best wishes, Arnie 
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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 19 03, 19:00
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#8
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Arnie! :vic:
This has a sad flair to it and from reading your comments to Alan I see why. Do you know more of this style? Perhaps you could add it to the poetic forms forum, "Karnak Crossing"? ??? I am only going to suggest a slight rearrangement of your stanzas...please take or toss.. Cheers! ~Cleo :pharoah: Above a flag eases in the sun. A warriors last dream has run. Mourners file in one by one. Words of silence have begun. First stanza I would break as: Above... a flag eases in the sun. A warriors last dream has run. Mourners file in one by one. Words of silence have begun... Ink stained parchment wets the eyes. Silver birches breathe sighs. Dreamtime blue Australian skies. Unheard sounds mouth last goodbyes. Ink stained parchment wets the eyes. Silver birches breathe sighs. Dreamtime blue Australian skies. Unheard sounds mouth last goodbyes. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Aug 20 03, 01:57
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#9
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 2,587 Joined: 9-August 03 From: Australia Member No.: 17 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Cleo,
Yey! your versionis better. Yeah! There really should be a comma behind.... Above, Dont know about an elipsis? Nah! I'll put a comma in. Monody: 1 An ode sung by a single actor in a Greek tragedy 2 A poem lamenting a persons death. 3 A composition with only one melodic line. Gk monaoidia f monoidos singing alone. Lament: 1 Passionet expression of grief 2 A song or poem of morning or sorrow I got an old poetry book with half a dozen monodies. I'll have to dig it out. See ya aroundtheblock  Arnie ······· ·······Arnfinn
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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