Awakening (was Earth Awakes), Sonnet crit*** Options

[Eisa]

This is the first new poem I've written this year. Hooray!


Awakening (REVISION)

I stir from languor hearing swallows trill
in distant wetland reeds. In reverie
I rest beneath our old magnolia tree
as nascent buds emerge. Though east winds chill,
the eye of heaven warms, rainfall sustains
dispersed autumnal seeds of marigolds
and primulas. I watch them grow, unfold
their petals to embroider my terrains.
Forsythia blooms against the kitchen wall;
nearby some blue tits nest inside their box
above a frill of evening scented stocks.
Entwined with life, I answer Gaia’s call,
to turn away from winter’s shadows, leap
into the light, as earth awakes from sleep.


------------------------------------------

Earth Awakes (ORIGINAL)

I stir from languor, when the swallows trill
in distant wetland reeds. In reverie
I sit beneath the old magnolia tree
as nascent buds emerge. Though breezes chill
the eye of heaven warms and rain sustains
dispersed autumnal seeds of marigolds
and primulas. I watch them grow, unfold
their petals and embroider my terrains.
Forsythia blooms against the kitchen wall;
nearby the blue tits nest inside their box
above a frill of evening scented stocks.
Entwined with life, I answer Gaia’s call
to turn away from winter’s shadows, leap
into the light, for earth no longer sleeps.

[Alan]

Dear Snow,

I'm glad that your muse has responded to earth's awakening !

Can I offer a very few minor thoughts :

I stir from languor[,] when the swallows trill
in distant wetland reeds. In reverie
I sit beneath the old magnolia tree
as nascent buds emerge. Though breezes chill{,}
the eye of heaven warms{,} and rain sustains
dispersed autumnal seeds of marigolds
and primulas. I watch them grow, unfold
their petals [and] {to} embroider my terrains.
Forsythia blooms against the kitchen wall;
nearby the blue tits nest inside their box
above a frill of evening scented stocks.
Entwined with life, I answer Gaia’s call{,}
[to] turn away from winter’s shadows, {take} leap{s}
into the light, for earth no longer sleeps.

[] is a deletion, {} is an addition.

Mainly I really wanted to get that last couplet to fully rhyme !

Feel free to take or toss, I loved it the was it was too.

Love
Alan

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

Not much left to crit after Alan finished. I did want to add a bit in reference to that last couplet though.

Could you possibly use:

into the light, for earth awakes from sleep.

Putting an "s" on "leap" would be grammatically incorrect. I answer... turn away... leap into the light...

Glad you all are finally experiencing that awakening of spring. It's been pushing summer down here in SE Louisiana (89 for the high today).

Larry

[Eisa]

Dear Snow,

I'm glad that your muse has responded to earth's awakening !

Can I offer a very few minor thoughts :

I stir from languor[,] when the swallows trill
in distant wetland reeds. In reverie
I sit beneath the old magnolia tree
as nascent buds emerge. Though breezes chill{,}
the eye of heaven warms{,} and rain sustains
dispersed autumnal seeds of marigolds
and primulas. I watch them grow, unfold
their petals [and] {to} embroider my terrains.
Forsythia blooms against the kitchen wall;
nearby the blue tits nest inside their box
above a frill of evening scented stocks.
Entwined with life, I answer Gaia’s call{,}
[to] turn away from winter’s shadows, {take} leap{s}
into the light, for earth no longer sleeps.

[] is a deletion, {} is an addition.

Mainly I really wanted to get that last couplet to fully rhyme !

Feel free to take or toss, I loved it the was it was too.

Love
Alan

Hi Alan

Thanks for taking time to offer your suggestions. I am grateful for your thoughts on punctuation which isn't always my strong point.

As to the last 2 lines - I agree that it would be best to have complete rhymes, but your suggestion does disturb the meter somewhat. I'll keep thinking on this.

Love
Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Not much left to crit after Alan finished. I did want to add a bit in reference to that last couplet though.

Could you possibly use:

into the light, for earth awakes from sleep.

Putting an "s" on "leap" would be grammatically incorrect. I answer... turn away... leap into the light...

Glad you all are finally experiencing that awakening of spring. It's been pushing summer down here in SE Louisiana (89 for the high today).

Larry

Thanks Larry - I think that would be a suitable alternative for the ending.

Wow! that sounds hot! It's just pleasantly warm here. Lovely!

Snow

[Larry]

Hi Snow,

Much better and your sonnet is beautiful as well.

I hope no one comes to this site and keys in "Awakening" though. If they do, they will get your lovely sonnet and my tongue-in-cheek SciFi poem (with the same title). If you haven't seen it, try this link: Awakening.

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Much better and your sonnet is beautiful as well.

I hope no one comes to this site and keys in "Awakening" though. If they do, they will get your lovely sonnet and my tongue-in-cheek SciFi poem (with the same title). If you haven't seen it, try this link: Awakening.

Larry

Thanks Larry - I'll take a look at your poem - sounds interesting!

Snow