Candy Clouds (tweaked Feb 20), Wizard Award ~ sonnet for children Options

[Eisa]

This is a revision of an oldie that I am considering for submission to a children's (older) magazine.

I'm trying a slight change to the first line

RECENT REVISION 19/01/07
TWEAKED 16/02/07
tweaked again 20/02/07




Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom barracuda floats
in cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; two sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade; with greatest haste
a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Is this the hungry hunter, who’s the bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane?

Who gobbles up the gooey, candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining, plumped on pillows – face aglow.

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by
with fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

First line was ~
A shoal of phantom flatfish slowly floats

then was~
A spooky shoal of phantom haddock floats

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REVISION

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly float
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles. A sun-bleached boat
pursues the quaint parade. With greatest haste
a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Perhaps he is the hungry hunter, bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane.

Who gobbles up the gooey candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining on plump pillows – face aglow.

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by;
his fingers blazing patterns through the sky.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ORIGINAL


Candy Clouds

A shoal of ghostly fishes slowly float
along the azure ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles. A washed-out boat
pursues the quaint parade. With eager haste,
a giant hamster darts across the blue.
Perhaps he is the hungry hunter, bane
of Sapphire Kingdom, or the kangaroo
that leapt upon a candied counterpane.

Who gobbles up the fluffy mallow clouds?
The topaz ruler of the skies will know.
He watches all their antics, looking proud
upon a plumped-up pillow -- face aglow.

He toasts the changing pictures cruising by;
his fiery arms outstretched across the sky.

Reason for edit: changing 1st line

[JustDaniel]

Love it, Snow...

Just a few quickies, as I'm runnin' off; I'll be back, though:

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly floats
on [ add syllable ] cerulean ripples, quickly chased
[ ce ROO lee uhn would then be slurred into three syllables to not stifle your metrical flow, methinks ]
by snapping crocodiles. .

chompin' off quickly, Daniel

[Eisa]

Love it, Snow...

Just a few quickies, as I'm runnin' off; I'll be back, though:

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly floats
on [ add syllable ] cerulean ripples, quickly chased
[ ce ROO lee uhn would then be slurred into three syllables to not stifle your metrical flow, methinks ]
by snapping crocodiles. .

chompin' off quickly, Daniel

Thanks for coming to my rescue Daniel -- I had been pronouncing cerulean the wrong way, putting the stress on the first syllble. I've changed it now -- sounds better.

Ever thankful

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

Wow! I love the imagery you've created! I can imagine sitting along the water's edge and watching the whole thing~ LOL

The only thing I can see (since it's only about 6AM here) is...

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by;
his fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

Maybe...

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by
with fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

I'll come back when I've had time to wake up a bit! LOL

Cathy

Good luck with your submission!

[JustDaniel]

Hello, Snow!

Let me start with a bit o' wisdom from none other than my old friend eM:

Though crits can only give a bitty nudge...
they may stir nutty clouds inside your fudge.

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly float[ s ] [ a shoal... floats ]
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased [ much better! ]
by snapping crocodiles. A sun-bleached boat
[ Were this not for children, we'd have a couple of semi-colons in the stanza, for related clauses ? ]
pursues the quaint parade. With greatest haste
a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Perhaps he is the hungry hunter, bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane.

Who gobbles up the gooey candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining on plump pillows – face aglow.
[ Maybe reclining, plumped on pillows... both for fun and for more pleasant meter ? ]

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by[,] ( ; )
his fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

Clear view amid the clouds, Snow!

deLightin' in yer writin', Daniel

[JLY]

Snow,

You have a lot of fanciful images here.

Who gobbles up the fluffy[,] mallow clouds?

What is a counterpane?

JLY

[Eisa]

Hi Snow,

Wow! I love the imagery you've created! I can imagine sitting along the water's edge and watching the whole thing~ LOL

The only thing I can see (since it's only about 6AM here) is...

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by;
his fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

Maybe...

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by
with fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

I'll come back when I've had time to wake up a bit! LOL

Cathy

Good luck with your submission!

Thanks Cathy -- your suggestion is just right for the final couplet.

As for the submission -- it'll take months to hear back from them -- I'll have forgotten about the poem by then LOL!!

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Daniel

Thanks for calling back

Hello, Snow!

Let me start with a bit o' wisdom from none other than my old friend eM:

Though crits can only give a bitty nudge...
they may stir nutty clouds inside your fudge.

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish, slowly float[ s ] [ a shoal... floats ]
Of course it should be floats -- (I'm sure I had that at one time)
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased [ much better! ]
by snapping crocodiles. A sun-bleached boat
[ Were this not for children, we'd have a couple of semi-colons in the stanza, for related clauses ? ]
Well I suppose I should follow proper punctuation, even if it is for children. Let me know if I've found the right places ( not my strong point)
pursues the quaint parade. With greatest haste
a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Perhaps he is the hungry hunter, bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane.

Who gobbles up the gooey candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining on plump pillows – face aglow.
[ Maybe reclining, plumped on pillows... both for fun and for more pleasant meter ? ]
Nice idea!
He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by[,] ( ; )
his fingers blazing patterns through the sky.

Clear view amid the clouds, Snow!

deLightin' in yer writin', Daniel

Thanks again Daniel!

Snow

[Eisa]

Snow,

You have a lot of fanciful images here.

Who gobbles up the fluffy[,] mallow clouds?

What is a counterpane?

JLY

Thanks for the tip John, punctuation is not mt strog point. A counterpane is a decorative bed-cover.

Thanks for calling!

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Thanks Cathy -- your suggestion is just right for the final couplet.

As for the submission -- it'll take months to hear back from them -- I'll have forgotten about the poem by then LOL!!

I'm glad I could offer something useful! *smiles*

I know what you mean... it's going to be up to 6 months before I hear anything about mine too!

Cathy

[Eisa]

Thanks Cathy -- your suggestion is just right for the final couplet.

As for the submission -- it'll take months to hear back from them -- I'll have forgotten about the poem by then LOL!!

I'm glad I could offer something useful! *smiles*

I know what you mean... it's going to be up to 6 months before I hear anything about mine too!

Cathy

Yes -- it will be getting near Xmas again before we hear. LOL!!

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow,

I remember this and now with the slight revisions are smooth and wonderfully done. First your title jumps out--especially when I think of reading it to my grandaughter or my friends young children. Fortunately, it is just as pleasing and warm to the hearts and ears of us adults. So you certainly have a winner here!

Some thoughts to follow. I really liked Daniels suggestion for L12 and was glad to see it used in revision!

Biggest Hugs, Liz ...

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish slowly floats

Personally, I am trying in my mind to see how you might say ... 'Shoals of phantom flatfish slowly float (it sounds much nicer that way) ...

among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; a sun-bleached boat
pursues the quaint parade; with greatest haste

Perhaps ... in L3 and L4,
'by snapping crocodiles; as sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade; with greatest haste...

making the 'boats plural for a tighter end rhyme, while making pursue singular. Heck, it could be 2 sun bleached boats after them...

a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Is this the hungry hunter, who’s the bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane?

I love this. The images are smooth, interesting and active--

Who gobbles up the gooey, candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining, plumped on pillows – face aglow.

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by
with fingers blazing patterns through the sky.


Wonderful poem. And such a beautiful ending. Great choice of words through out. For both adult and child. Good work, do you have a place in mind for submission yet? I will look thrhough Poet's Market Book if you would like a variety of possibilities...


Hugs, Liz

[Eisa]

Hi Liz -- I remember you commenting on this elsewhere ... memories!

Hi Snow,

I remember this and now with the slight revisions are smooth and wonderfully done. First your title jumps out--especially when I think of reading it to my grandaughter or my friends young children. Fortunately, it is just as pleasing and warm to the hearts and ears of us adults. So you certainly have a winner here!

Some thoughts to follow. I really liked Daniels suggestion for L12 and was glad to see it used in revision!

Biggest Hugs, Liz ...

Candy Clouds

A shoal of phantom flatfish slowly floats

Personally, I am trying in my mind to see how you might say ... 'Shoals of phantom flatfish slowly float (it sounds much nicer that way) ...


Glad you said this, as I too have been saying 'Shoals ....' I could always start with a headless iamb (only used it once before) it does sond smoother somehow

among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; a sun-bleached boat
pursues the quaint parade; with greatest haste

Perhaps ... in L3 and L4,
'by snapping crocodiles; as sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade; with greatest haste...

making the 'boats plural for a tighter end rhyme, while making pursue singular. Heck, it could be 2 sun bleached boats after them...


Good idea -- but if I change the 1st line to Shoals, I'll have to end with float. (a shoal floats ... shoals float) It all depends on what I choose for the 1st line.

a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Is this the hungry hunter, who’s the bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane?

I love this. The images are smooth, interesting and active--

Who gobbles up the gooey, candy clouds?
The topaz master of the skies should know.
Observing every prank, he laughs aloud,
reclining, plumped on pillows – face aglow.

He toasts the mallow pictures cruising by
with fingers blazing patterns through the sky.


Wonderful poem. And such a beautiful ending. Great choice of words through out. For both adult and child. Good work, do you have a place in mind for submission yet? I will look thrhough Poet's Market Book if you would like a variety of possibilities...

I have 2 places in mind at the moment Liz. I have been meaning to get the Poet's Market Book, as I've got to the stage where I'm thinking -- 'Why leave all my poems in the computer ... get them out there!' LOL!! Thanks for your help Liz

Hugs, Liz

Thanks Liz -- you have given me a couple of thoughts to polish this.

Hugs Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Snow...

Yes that is what I meant by my suggestions regarding float/floats and boat/boats... if you cannot get L1, to end with float (which I think is sweeter to the ear) then L3, the other suggestion might help to make boat/s for a tighter rhyme with floats.

so it could either be...

'A dozen shoals of phantom flatfish float ... (omitting slowly, which felt weak to my ear)
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; a sun-bleached boat
pursues the quaint parade, wiith greatest haste,

or

'A shoal of phantom flatfish slowly floats ...
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; while sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade, wiith greatest haste


Just thoughts ... Hugs, Liz

[jgdittier]

Hi Snow...

Yes that is what I meant by my suggestions regarding float/floats and boat/boats... if you cannot get L1, to end with float (which I think is sweeter to the ear) then L3, the other suggestion might help to make boat/s for a tighter rhyme with floats.

so it could either be...

'A dozen shoals of phantom flatfish float ... (omitting slowly, which felt weak to my ear)
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; a sun-bleached boat
pursues the quaint parade, wiith greatest haste,

or

'A shoal of phantom flatfish slowly floats ...
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; while sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade, wiith greatest haste


Just thoughts ... Hugs, Liz

Dear Eisa,
I'm glad I let this one get past me!. I'd have said it needed no improvement. I think I was right, it didn't need much but it improve nicely anyway.
I think now it's too good for children. It flows on waves of smiles. Mine!
Cheers, ron jgd

[Eisa]

Hi Snow...

Yes that is what I meant by my suggestions regarding float/floats and boat/boats... if you cannot get L1, to end with float (which I think is sweeter to the ear) then L3, the other suggestion might help to make boat/s for a tighter rhyme with floats.

so it could either be...

'A dozen shoals of phantom flatfish float ... (omitting slowly, which felt weak to my ear)
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; a sun-bleached boat
pursues the quaint parade, wiith greatest haste,

or

'A shoal of phantom flatfish slowly floats ...
among cerulean ripples, quickly chased
by snapping crocodiles; while sun-bleached boats
pursue the quaint parade, wiith greatest haste


Just thoughts ... Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz

I do like your suggestion of 'a dozen shoals of ......' -- that would add anothe dimension to that line. I have been thinking how I could get rid of 'slowly', and that would do it!!

Hugs Snow

[Eisa]

Dear Eisa,
I'm glad I let this one get past me!. I'd have said it needed no improvement. I think I was right, it didn't need much but it improve nicely anyway.
I think now it's too good for children. It flows on waves of smiles. Mine!
Cheers, ron jgd

Thanks Ron! -- I think there is a child in all of us who enjoys this type of poem.

Snow

[wordsart]

Hi again

This is a lively poem and replete with visual images so bound to eb a winner w3ith children. All the unusual colour words are a great theme for learning too.

I have a couple of suggestions;

1) 'cerulean' is quite a mouthful so would like to suggest it follows 'in' rather than 'among' just to ease the tongue twisting (and the meter?)

2) pursues the quaint parade; with eager haste as you had before I think works better than 'greatest haste'. Another alternative is 'utmost haste'

imho 'utmost' sounds most natural of the three, but 'eager' is more descriptive.
3) adding is it before kangaroo seems to help the scanning of that line and it also helps grammatically as the 'or' could otherwise refer to 'the bane' , ie the bane of Cobalt Kingdom or the bane of kangaroo. The punctuation obviously prevents that misinterpretation, but it is still tricky for children and teachers usually don't like anything that might confuse.

a giant gerbil paddles his canoe.
Is this the hungry hunter, who’s the bane
of Cobalt Kingdom -- or [is it] the kangaroo
that sambas on a patchwork counterpane?



That's all though. Your other revisions are great. And it's a nice peom to savour as you speak it. Hope you find success with it inthe magazine

Jenni

[Eisa]

Hi Jenni

Thanks for your indepth thoughts here. I will consider all your suggestions before I write a final revision, bearing in mind that I have to stick to 10 syllables.

I am particularly considering going back to 'eager haste' or your suuggestion of 'utmost haste' instead of ' greatest haste'.

Thank you for your good wishes

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

I LOVE this Snow!

I have no nits at all - I hope you submit this one, I think the children would enjoy this (and with pictures too it would really sell)! It is full of vivid images that a child understands - and lots of color and character...

Good luck with this one!
~Cleo