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> Snowman, Haiku
hellfire
post Jul 8 09, 04:08
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as winter begins
snowman,s excitement
escapes through icy grin
 
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Cleo_Serapis
post Jul 8 09, 06:39
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Hello Hellfire, wave.gif

I enjoyed your winter Haiku (although I admit to not wishing for winter to come any time soon).

I have two suggestions:
The first is to swap L1 and L3.

The second is to find another description for the word 'between' as I think you could make the snowman vision stand out further with a substitution there that leads into 'winter begins'. Perhaps use replacements for 'jumps' and 'joy' ? Perhaps:

Snowman jumps in joyfullness

Or

Snowman jumps in joyous play


Enjoyed the read,
~Cleo Snowman.gif


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ace
post Jul 8 09, 17:31
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Hellfire:

I love reading and writing haiku; your is very nice. One nit...the first line seems to have only four syllables. Would it meet the requirements better if you said:
"Winter now begins"?

ace
 
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Marc-Andre Germa...
post Jul 8 09, 23:04
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Hellfire, not too sure this is a haiku in the strict sense of the word. Haiku are poems of observation, and I can hardly imagine the observation of a snowman "jumping". Perhaps a winter animal? Also, I think you can find a synonym for "jump" that could replace "jump for joy" with one word. Never mind the syllable count (as long as you keep it under seventeen) for a haiku in English language, it should have less syllables than in Japanese.

I hope this helps.

Mark


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hellfire
post Jul 9 09, 00:40
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thanks cleo

will revise and see how it works.not sure if the L1 when then link with rest of the piece after change.thanks once again

regards

hellfire
 
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hellfire
post Jul 9 09, 00:43
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hi ace

thanks for the advice.
i am glad you enjoyed the piece.
much appreciated

regards

hellfire
 
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hellfire
post Jul 9 09, 00:47
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hi mark

must admit not a haiku in traditional sense.willl revise and are busy considering your suggestion regarding replacement for "jump for joy"
thanks.much appreciated

regards

hellfire
 
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Arnfinn
post Jul 13 09, 02:57
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G'day, Hellfire.


as winter begins
snowman,s jubilation
escape through icy grin


Well, I think you are one sillybull short L2.


How about using excitement instead of jubilation>> make it easier for the syllable count.

I would use escapes instead escape in L3.

Regards,


John


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hellfire
post Jul 13 09, 03:49
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hi john

thanks for the comments and suggestion.
it reads much better now.

cheers

hellfire
 
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